


A Tale of Two Hearts

by beckyboo85



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, But i think this may be non-canon?, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Angst, I Don't Even Know, I don't even know what canon means, Implied Sexual Content, My First Fanfic, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Promiscuity, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Some slight changes in timeline, Timeline What Timeline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-04-08 07:32:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 66,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4296078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beckyboo85/pseuds/beckyboo85
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The inquisitor struggles with the role and responsibilities that make up the position of inquisitor and uses self destructive vices to cope. She's finds herself falling in love and realizes she needs to fix herself before she can be anything to anyone.</p><p>*I updated with two chapters, but one was the original chapter 7. Whoopsie!*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. They call me inquisitor, that's not my name.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this use my first post on here. It's been a long time since I've written anything and I'm having to do it on my phone. I try to edit it as best as I can but I'm certain I'll miss things from time to time. So go easy on this ole girl. It's been a while and I'm incredibly nervous about posting this. Also the beginning is rough, it's like clumsily trying to relearn how to ride a bike. You know you never forget, but that first ride after a while is spent worrying you're going to fall. I fell a lot the first chapter or so, but then I got my groove.

What am I doing here?

That thought popped into my head all the time. Inquisitor they call me now, but if they really knew me, and knew what I had to do everyday, they would take it back. I didn't deserve to be their inquisitor, hell, I didn't even want it. Being thrust into a position like this makes you reevaluate your whole life. I was just some stuck up noble before this where my biggest concern was who I was going to bed that evening. All I ever did was use and manipulate people. I was a rogue and I was good at what I did. I used people and hurt people and part of me enjoyed it. The rush and thrill of it excited me and turned me on. Now people rely on me, trust me to do the right thing. So I try to, but I don't have a lot of experience with the right thing and I just keep fucking everything up. 

I walk around this castle hating myself most days. The only respite I get is when I'm with Dorian or Varric, they're the only ones that made this place bearable. I also get a break from the self-hate when I have someone in my bed. It helps distract my mind, but then usually makes me hate myself more afterward. I also liked dreaming of the commander of the inquisition's army. Cullen was the star of more daydreams of mine than I can recount. I'd give my left tit to have him command me around the bedroom for a night. He was beyond attractive and so honorable and noble. Being from a noble family and being the inquisitor required I married someone with a title, and I was pretty sure his title would do. Cullen daydreams were my favorite escape from my thoughts. 

I spent most of my evenings in the tavern drinking alone. Occasionally Varric or Dorian would join me, but usually it was just me. I'd stay until I saw a suitable person to have a tumble with and drag them to my room. That night all I could think about was a band of refugees that had been killed by red Templars because I didn't make it to them in time. I had stopped to find a treasure before finding them and they died because of me. I couldn't think of anything else so the rest of the tavern kind of faded in the background. 

"I know that look. That look means you been alone with your thoughts too long, my lady. So it's time to share a drink with me," a gruff voice said interrupting my thoughts. Blackwall. I liked Blackwall, he definitely seemed haunted, but he was tough and saved my ass more than a few times. I gave him a quick smile and then it was gone just as quickly.

"I wouldn't be good company tonight," i said, accepting the drink nonetheless. 

"I'm never good company, so we have that," he said and sat down across from me. "What were you thinking about my lady?" he asked and I just shook my head.

"Nothing that needs to be shared," i stated and downed most of my drink in one long gulp. "So, Warden, what were you like before you joined the grey wardens?" I asked, trying to make small talk. If I was going to drink the man's drink, I figured I may as well entertain the company associated for a bit.

"Not like I am now, I wouldn't want to embarrass you, my life was a bit risque at times," he said making me flash my mischievous grin.

"Well now you have to tell me," I stated with a drunken laugh.

Blackwall proceeded to tell me stories of his life before, but nothing too in depth. Just general ridiculousness that usually ended up with him naked. As he talked the drinks continued to flow heavily. I started to feel rather drunk. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I laughed so hard, drunk or otherwise.

"And there I was, laying in the middle of the damn herd of halla, naked," Blackwall nearly yelled finishing his story and causing half the bar to laugh. It was a side of Blackwall I'd never seen. He was usually extremely withdrawn, so I assumed he was drunk too. The crowd that had formed around our table dispersed as we ordered another round. 

"You're drunk," i stated with a drunken smile.

"Not as drunk as you, I imagine," he chuckled.

"Do you want to get out of here and get naked with me?" I suggested.

"Very much, my lady," he said and hurriedly drank his drink. I just left mine. 

Blackwall and I stumbled to his loft in the barn and landed in a fit of giggles on his makeshift bed. We laid there for a moment as he ran his eyes up and down my body mentally undressing me.

"Beg your pardon my lady, but if you don't undress now, I may have to rip your clothes off," he said with a bit of a growl and off the clothes came. Then I came shortly after. He used his mouth so skillfully; no one had ever made me come so quickly. 

"Bravo, serah, now get up here and give me a proper fucking," I moaned after I'd come down and he had licked every drop of me up. He looked up at me and grinned and did as instructed. He moved up my body and kissed my mouth hard. He wanted to make sure I tasted myself on him. When He did that it only rekindled the flame deep in my belly.

"So the lady wants my cock?" he teased He began unfastening his trousers. I nodded.

"And if she doesn't get it soon she may lose her mind," i moaned.

"Mmm don't tempt me, I'd rather like to see that," he said as he pushed himself inside me. I couldn't contain myself. He was bigger than I'd ever had before and it felt sublime. I swear I saw stars. My eyes rolled back as I arched my back and tilted my head back and let out a loud moan. 

"Fucking maker," i cried out.

"No, you're fucking me," he growled and grabbed my chin with one off his hands and made me face him. "Who are you fucking?" he demanded and he thrust harder.

"You," I moaned.

"No, say my name. I'll ask one more time, who is the inquisitor fucking?" he asked, pumping even harder, I thought I was going to lose my mind as he started to make it more aggressive. 

"Blackwall," i nearly screamed. He reached down to circle my clit hard with his rough thumb.

"Say it again," he moaned as he started to near the edge which was enough to send me over again.

"Blackwall," I said in a harsh whisper as I came and stared him in the eyes the whole time.

"Fuck," he yelled in a guttural moan as he came. "Damn, woman," he sighed as he collapsed his weight on top of me. Neither one of us said anything else, and eventually I heard him snoring. I meant to get up and get dressed to leave but I actually felt so warm underneath him that I just fell asleep. It was the first night I didn't have any nightmares. I don't know if that was because of Blackwall or because I was disgustingly drunk. 

The next morning I awoke with the big burly man lying next to me still sleeping peacefully. I quietly got out of bed and dressed as quickly and as I could which was pretty quick and pretty quiet. I was about to make a clean getaway until my horse saw me and began kicking and whining, which of course woke Blackwall up. I silently cursed that damn horse.

"Leaving so soon?" he asked with a smile. When He spoke it make me realize the massive headache I had because of the night before. Blackwall didn't look like he was the least bit hungover, he almost looked chipper, "I was hoping for round two this morning," he said and I slowly shook my head.

"I feel like I'm about to die," I stated, and began to wonder if I was going to throw up, "How are you not dying right now?" I asked him.

"I was only drinking water last night," he laughed loudly.

"Fucking asshole," i cursed under my breath. He laughed even louder.

"Warden Blackwall?" I heard Cullen call out below. I had a quick panic but instantly regrouped.

"He's up here," i called and quickly fixed my hair. "I came by to find him to bring some Warden documents we found," I said as Cullen climbed up.

"Why are you always naked when I come looking for you?" Cullen asked with a laugh.

"The better question it's why do you keep looking for me when I'm naked, commander?" Blackwall joked. 

"Why don't we wait for him to gather himself down in the stables," Cullen suggested with a smile and I nodded giving him a smile of my own. I proceeded to climb down the ladder. "I have to admit, I'm a bit surprised to see you up and around so early," Cullen said and I laughed.

"I didn't sleep well, so I decided to get up and at em' today. I don't think I'll make a habit of it," i joked and laughed again.

"Cullen, did you need something important or can it wait? I can't find my pants, someone was a little too eager to get into them last night," Blackwall said and I had to feign a coughing fit to cover the laughter that almost erupted.

"It can wait," Cullen said with an exasperated sigh. "Shall I walk you back to skyhold, Lady Trevelyan?" he asked me and I just smiled and nodded. We walked in a nervous silence for the first several yards until the commander finally spoke up, "you look quite lovely this morning, inquisitor."

"Why thank you, commander," I said and turned to face him and give him a quick curtsy mid-stride, not missing a step, "And, as usual, you look quite dashing," I responded and saw the blush in his Cheeks.

"Thank you," he said with a smile. We both had goofy grins on our faces. The silence didn't feel nervous after that and before I knew it we we're already walking the battlements near Cullen's office. "Lady Trevelyan," he began.

"Please, call me Lenora," i said and he smiled.

"Lenora," he said and it almost sounded like a sigh, "I am quite fond of you. And this probably isn't the right time, but I find myself constantly thinking about you. I was wondering what your feelings towards a courtship would be?" he asked and I could only smile ear to ear.

"I'd like that," I said and he nodded and kissed me on the cheek. He then bowed and walked into his office. It was so sweet I could have vomited. I did, in fact, vomit as soon as he closed his door, but that was from the hangover, not the sweetness. 

I made my way to my room so that I could nurse my hangover and possibly sleep the rest of the day. My hangover also reminded me of the Blackwall situation I'd gotten into. I figured I could just ignore it and it would go away. When I got into my room, my lovely best friend was waiting for me.

"Where have you been? I came to see who you brought to bed tonight and you weren't here," Dorian complained when I entered.

"I don't know why you are always trying to catch me naked, i told you, I don't have a penis," i teased. 

"I heard you drank the entire tavern last night, you don't look that terrible," he stated sitting in my bed as I undressed and pulled the covers back before crawling in. 

"I feel that bad. Can you do something about this headache?" I asked and he smiled. He placed a hand on my head and did a spell to take the headache away. "You're the best," i said and kissed his cheek as I snuggled down into my bed. He got under the covers with me.

"You know sleeping with Blackwall was a bad idea, right?" Dorian said, sounding concerned and held my hand. I nodded.

"You just wanted to see that hairy mountain, didn't you?" I teased.

"I was curious," he confirmed with a chuckle. "Is he really as hairy as he seems?" Dorian asked.

"Hairier," i joked, "How'd you know?" I asked.

"Bull saw the two of you leave together last night. He couldn't wait to tell me, and yet everyone says that I'm the gossip," he said with a scoffing laugh. "What did Wall say when you were explained to him it was a one time thing?" He added.

"That conversation didn't exactly happen. Right as I was going to give my lovely one time thing speech, Cullen came into the barn. So I had to act like I'd just gotten there and has been looking for him. Then I left with Cullen," I explained.

”Hmmm what did hotpants say?" Dorian asked apparently very intrigued by the turn of events. I just sighed and buried my head in the pillow for a moment and shook my head.

"He's quite fond of me and would like to court me," I moaned.

"Why aren't you doing back flips or something? Isn't this what you've always dreamed of?" Dorian asked. 

"Of course it is. I was over the moon when he told me. But courtship? Could you see me courting anyone? I just fucked Blackwall, I'm clearly in no position to court anyone," I stated. 

"Simple. Court Commander dream-dick and fuck whomever you'd like," Dorian stated and I couldn't hold back my chuckle. I then thought about it and raised my eyebrows and nodded my head.

"That could work," I thought aloud.

"What are you going to do about Blackwall?" Dorian asked and I just shrugged.

"Nothing. Now stop asking hard questions and just cuddle with me already, damn it." I started and snuggled up to him. Dorian just laughed and placed an arm around me. He waited to leave until after I fell asleep. 

That day I had a terrible dream while I was sleeping. This time all of my friends were stuck in a tar pit, slowly sinking to their deaths. I was the only one that could save them but I was also being attacked by a dragon. I had to battle the dragon while I could hear their screams and cries as they sank deeper. I then had to hear their deaths and ran to the pit just in time to see them die. At which point the dragon decimates me. I woke up in a cold sweat and I saw someone sitting on my balcony.

"Are they always that bad?" I heard Blackwall ask. It took me a moment to realize it was late evening. I'd slept the entire day. I cursed as I climbed out of bed.

"No, usually I'm too drunk to dream," I croaked and pulled on my bedroom robe, "Listen, Blackwall, about last night. It was a mistake. I shouldn't have slept with you, and I'm sorry if that gave you the wrong idea," I began. I assumed the only reason he was there was because he thought the previous evening was more than what it was.

"I don't think mistake is the right word. I didn't actually think you'd go to bed with me, but that was fucking amazing. You'd be lying if you deny that," Blackwall said, staying on the balcony. I took a moment to recount our time together and I had to nod in agreement.

"I'm not denying it, it was definitely good. But I'm not really looking to make a habit of it. It was a one time thing, I can't do a relationship or anything like that," I tried to explain.

"Yeah, you can only do that with Cullen, eh?" He challenged. I started to spit out a comeback but he held his hand up to silence me, "that's fine my lady. Court the Commander if you must. I'm just suggesting a good tumble with each other once in a while. Why waste good sex?" He suggested.

"How'd you know about Cullen?" I asked.

"Your friend Dorian was telling Bull," he said and I just nodded.

"I don't know, Blackwall. That kind of situation can get messy quickly, and I guarantee you it will not be messy for me. I will make the clean break for Cullen. I don't want that to be a problem for when we travel together. And you can tell no one about it. I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea about us," I instructed, and he just nodded and began moving towards me.

"So is that a yes?" He asked and began untying the sash holding my robe together. 

"Just sex," I clarified and he nodded once more before pushing the gown off my shoulders. "And we will never meet here. I will find you when need be, and uh, oh maker," I sighed as his hand slipped into my small clothes. 

"Shut the fuck up already," he growled and pushed me back onto my bed. He then took a step back and began undressing himself. "Play with yourself while I undress," he instructed. When he issued commands like that it felt like a little bolt of electricity straight to my nether regions. I, of course, did as instructed. I watched him take his clothes off and found myself longing for his touch. I blame it on how talented he was at making me climax. As soon as he was finished undressing he grabbed my hands from down below and replaced them with his mouth. I don't know how many women have had that man's mouth on their lady bits, but it was enough to make him superb at getting the task done. He ate me out like he hadn't had food or water in weeks. While his mouth was busy at work on me, I noticed he would occasionally reach down and stroke himself and it turned me on beyond belief.

"Get on this bed," I pleaded more than instructed. Blackwall paused and looked up at me with a grin. 

"With all due respect, my lady, but in here, I will be the one giving orders tonight. Is that clear?" He asked, and again, I felt the jolts of pleasure. I just nodded. "Stand up and face the bed," he said and I did as I was told. He then moved until his chest was touching my back and I could feel his hardness against my derriere. I couldn't help but moan in anticipation. He reached around to fondle my breasts and play with my nipples. He then reached lower and slipped a couple of his fingers inside me. "That's a good girl, so wet and ready for my cock," he growled and then pulled his fingers out of me, placed his hand on the back of my head and pushed down until I was bent over. He slapped my ass hard a few times and then rubbed where he had slapped. "Maker, that is a beautiful ass. I have wanted to get my hands it for a long time. So fucking beautiful," he said as he slid his hard member inside of me. He pushed down on my upper back to get me at the angle he wanted me so that he could directly hit the sweet spot. "Fucking maker, yes. You feel so fucking tight," he yelled as he picked up the pace.

"Your cock feels so fucking good," I cried out as I felt myself coming again. "Fuck," I screamed.

"You like my cock? Like it when I ram it inside of this tight little pussy?" He growled thrusting harder and deeper. His hands gripped my hips so hard I knew it was going to bruise, but I didn't care. His words kept me on that orgasmic plane.

"Maker, yes," I screamed, "harder," I added. He then began thrusting with wild abandon, I briefly wondered if the bed was going to collapse. 

"I'm coming," he yelled as he was still thrusting as fast as he could, he then yelled something incoherent and then slumped against me. 

Blackwall was truly gifted, it was as though I was an instrument and he the skilled musician. He knew all the right places that could make me scream, a few I didn't even know myself. He rolled off of me and laid there looking up at the ceiling for a while. I rolled over and stared at the ceiling as well As the post-coital high began to wear off, I began seeing the faces if the people that were dead because of me. 

"This won't get messy for me either. Just so you know. I'm not deserving of anything more than just sex," he mumbled as he rolled to a sitting position. His words interrupted the stream of dead faces on loop on my brain. I jumped out of bed and began dressing.

"That makes two of us then. Let's go drown our misery, Warden. What do you say? And no fucking water tonight. Let's drink until we can't think and then fuck our brains out," I suggested. I had only put on a light airy dress that wasn't quite see through, but you could see all the curves of my body. He looked at me like I was a juicy steak. I almost thought he was going to rip my dress off, but then there was a knock at my door. I signaled for him to hide in my dressing room and threw all of his clothes in after him. When I opened the door, there stood Cullen. I almost let out a sigh when I saw him, he was so damn attractive. 

"Lenora, you look positively stunning," he said with a gasp and I just smiled and signaled him to come in. 

"To what do I owe the pleasure, commander?" I asked.

"Please, just call me Cullen," he said.

"Cullen," I replied with a smile. 

"Truthfully? I can't remember now. I know I had made up an excuse to be here, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was now," he said with a chuckle and moved closer to me. "You're so beautiful," he said and placed a hand on my hip and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. I knew I should have been thrilled to have him there kissing me, even if there was a naked man in my closet that I had just had sex with mere minutes ago. But I just felt sad and guilty. I didn't deserve him, he was so good and sweet, I knew I would just destroy that. 

"Would you like to accompany me for a drink, Cullen?" I asked and he nodded.

"I'd love to," he said with a smile.

I left with Cullen assuming Blackwall would make his way out as discreetly as possible, and I was right. Cullen stayed for a few drinks with me and he spent that time talking about old war stories with the recruits that were there. He did place his hand on my knee while he told his stories. He wanted everyone to know that I was there with him. He was marking his territory. After two or three drinks he excused himself to finish some reports. I stayed for a few more drinks expecting Blackwall to show, but he never did. Eventually I made my way to the stables and found him waiting in the barn. 

"Decided against the drinks then?" I asked when I found him working on a rocking griffon. 

"Figured you didn't need me there when you had your knight," he muttered. 

"Valid. Well I'm drunk, can we please get to the fucking?" I asked and the only words the rest of the evening were his commands. 

That night I didn't stay and sleep. I didn't even wait for him to fall asleep before I left. As soon as he spent himself and rolled off of me, I immediately got out of bed and got dressed. I didn't say anything, neither did he, I just left. 

That became our routine. Outside of sex we really didn't talk to each other. And during sex, we'd say the most filthy and depraved things to each other. All the while I continued courting Cullen. Cullen and I regularly took our meals together, and we looked marvelous together. We spent most of our time talking about our pasts. Cullen had a lot more to talk about as he'd been through so much. It always left me hating myself because I had led a privileged life and I chose to do terrible things. After my time with Cullen, I'd go fuck Blackwall just to hate myself even more.

"Does it ever get easier?" I asked Blackwall one day after I'd gotten dressed. 

"Does what ever get easier?" He asked.

"The self loathing," I clarified and he shook his head.

"It never gets easy. I got a lot of years on you, and it hasn't let up yet," he said. He then stood up and pulled my clothes off. "I haven't gotten enough to forget yet," he said and we proceeded to have more sex. That night we literally went all night. By the time I made it back to my own quarters, I ached all over, but it was a good ache. It would make me think of my countless orgasms instead of my soul wrenching guilt.


	2. Running away from you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The inquisitor's relationship is troubling at best, and she acts out to accommodate and then it all comes tumbling down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you actually continued to chapter two, I am impressed and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

"Lenora, you know how much I adore you," Cullen said one day as we were playing chess.

"Perhaps, although I never tire of hearing it," I teased.

"I find you too be one of the most exquisite, articulate, brave, charming, and endearing people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. And all this time we spend together, I love every second of it, but I find myself wanting more time with you, and more of you," he said suggestively. 

"My dear commander, are you saying what I think you're saying?" I teased, not actually thinking he'd actually say it. Usually when he'd begin to venture to the topic of sex, if I challenged him to say it directly, he'd back out. 

"Yes. I love you, Lenora, and I'm ready to show my affections in a more physical form. I mean, that is if you are," he said and I almost choked on my own saliva. 

"You love me?" I asked cautiously and he gave me an exquisite full smile, he so rarely does that.

"I do," was all he said and his smile slid into that adorable cocky grin of his. If I wasn't suddenly overcome with guilt, it would have made me smile.

"Wow. I feel so honored that you feel that way about me, but I'm worried that I'm not right for you, Cullen. You are the most honorable and self-sacrificing man I have ever met. There is not a selfish bone in your body, and I genuinely love that. But I'm none of the wonderful things you are. I'm not a good person, Cullen," I said and felt tears welling up in my eyes. 

"You're wrong, you are one of the most incredible people I've ever known," he challenged.

"I'm not. Can I just have a day or two to think?" I asked him, and he nodded, but I could see the look of rejection in his eyes. I grabbed his hands in mine. "I love you too, Cullen, and I'm not saying no, I'm saying in a few days," I said and put on the brave strong face. Making sure the broken face was no longer visible. He smiled and kissed me.

"OK," he whispered and leaned his forehead against mine. 

I took my leave and immediately made my way to Blackwall. Before I said anything I closed and chained all the entrances to the barn. I then began taking off my clothes. 

"You know that thing you've been asking me to do?" I asked him as he watched me undress. "You can do it. As rough as you please so long as you make it hurt," I growled and began ripping off his clothes. 

"You want it rough?" He asked and I nodded. "No time for that thing then, I'm fucking you right here and now," he said and slammed me against the barn wall. "Rough enough yet?" He asked and I shook my head.

"I said make it hurt, damn it. Hurt me Blackwall," I said and slapped him. He took a step back. 

"None of that," he warned, referring to the slap. 

"None of what? This?" I asked and slapped him again. He didn't say anything or react at all, so then I pushed him hard and slapped him again. He grabbed my hands hard and pushed me back against the wall. He then gathered my wrists in one hand and slammed them hard against the wall above my head. I laughed, "is that all you got? Josephine hits harder than that," I taunted and he slammed them again much harder. He then used his other hand to grab a handful of my ass and squeezed hard. Then, without warning he slammed himself inside of me. That hurt and I cried out. I was already somewhat wet, but not like I normally would be by the time we got to this point. He kept doing that. He slam my hands against the wall and then slam himself into me. "Use me however you want," I offered when the hurting physically wasn't enough. I wanted to be punished for existing. I wanted to hurt in ways I could never recover. "Fuck me anywhere anyway you want, I don't care. Use me damn it," I growled. He shook his head and used his free hand to guide my legs around his waist and then dragged his hands gently up my arms and softly rubbed my wrists and then brought my arms down to wrap around his neck. He then brought his hands back to my ass but just to support my weight and he carried me to a hay bale covered in a blanket and gently laid me down. This was followed by the most gentle sex I'd ever had. When we both came at the same time, it left me in tears. Blackwall wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed but then I shrugged his arms off of me and sat up. 

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"What the fuck was that?" I asked instead of responding. 

"It was what you needed," he said, and he wasn't wrong, but I did mention that I'm a terrible person, right? I got the crying under control and composed myself.

"And what is it exactly you think I needed?" I said in a condescending tone.

"To just be loved, damn it," he said and I laughed at him.

"Oh Blackwall, that's so cute. I already have someone that loves me. Someone that I love back. Why would I ever come to someone like you for love?" I asked with a laugh. I hated myself for what I did as I was doing it. "This was just a last hurrah. I will be making love with my love from now on, and that's not you," I stated and got dressed. 

"That's bullshit and you know it." He said.

"I told you this would get messy for you. This is that clean break I told you about. I will no longer need your services," I said.

"So the crying was just business? Listen, you don't have to try to convince me of what you're not. I know what you're not almost as well as I know what you are. I know you, Nora, better than anyone. 

"He doesn't love you, he doesn't even know you. And you don't love him. If you loved him, truly loved him, you'd save him from the pain of being with you. You and I are the same. 

"But if you want to choose that, then that's up to you, but you know I'm right," he said, causing the tears to start falling again. I just turned around and slapped him again. "He doesn't know how to love you," he added.

"Oh, you do?" I mocked him while continuing to cry.

"I have a better chance at knowing than any other person you could find. You and I are the same kind of fucked up. We're the only ones who could love each other. The pain we cause each other could never trump the pain of daily living for us," he said running a hand through my hair. I slapped his hand away.

"You're wrong," I stated firmly.

"Maybe. But one thing I'm not wrong about, Cullen will never be able to fuck you like I can. He'll never make you come like I can. He'll never leave you screaming his name and begging for more like I can." 

"Watch how you speak to your inquisitor, Warden, lest I banish you with the rest of your order," I stated formally, ensuring what cracks in my composure that had been visible were completely repaired by showing my cold side instead. "Your services will no longer be required. Should I require your assistance on any further missions, I will send for you. Goodbye." I ended and left.

I don't know why it hurt so much to leave it like that. I thought maybe Blackwall was right, about a lot of things. Maybe he was the only one that would know how to love me, but to love me is to love a train about to derail. It could only be a matter of time before everything turned into a disaster. I was saving Blackwall. I don't think I realized that as I left the barn that day, I just knew that ending things with Blackwall meant I had to take that next step with Cullen, and I wasn't sure how long I could maintain the image of the girl he wanted me to be. I told myself that's what all the tears were for, not Blackwall.

I waited until the next day and I arranged to have a special dinner set up just for Cullen and I in my quarters. I sent word to him to meet me and began to get dressed. I wore a floor length dress that was beyond tight; I may as well have been naked. I looked fantastic. I was going to give Cullen what he wanted; I was going to give him me. I had convinced myself that he was such a good man he deserved anything he wanted, and he wanted me. I thought that if I can do something good in my life for one of the best men I knew, then maybe that would make up for some of the bad. I didn't have to love him, I just had to be something he could love.

While I was finishing up getting ready, I was surprised when I felt arms around my waist.

"Your early," I said with a smile and then I caught the smell of musk and pine and knew it was Blackwall, and immediately turned around. He just laughed.

"Early am I?" He said with a drunk smile.

"You cannot be here right now," I stated firmly. "And why are you drunk?" I added.

"I am here now. And I'm drunk because I drank a lot of ale. You owe me some goodbye sex," he slurred. 

"Leave now, or I will call the guard," I said, maintaining the firmness in my voice. He moved to kiss me, but I grabbed his arm and twisted it around his back forcing his back to face me. I pulled a dagger and held it to his neck. "You will leave now and never return," I said.

"And what if I don't, you gonna kill me, inquisitor?" He said with a laugh. "You don't have it in you."

"Are you willing to test that theory? Cullen will be here in less than an hour for our very romantic dinner. There will be nothing here to distract from that, so you can leave willingly or I will force you to leave one way or another," I whispered in an edgy and serious tone.

"I just want to know why you had to end our arrangement? Cullen would never know about us," he said and if I didn't know any better it almost sounded like he was pleading, "it's unfair to give a man as much as you gave me just to take it away. I can't give you up cold turkey."

"You're not giving me up because you never had me. Find some trollop at the tavern to bed, there are plenty to choose from. It was just sex, remember, that was the arrangement. Cullen and I will be very soon engaged and I won't jeopardize that. He's too good of a person to do that to," I said, my composure cracking ever so slightly and Blackwall didn't miss it.

"Ah, so that's what this is. He's the good person so he deserves what he wants, but you don't," he said with an all knowing nod.

"No. I love him and he loves me and we deserve to be happy together. Do not presume to know me warden, whoever or whatever you thought you knew, is gone. I'm moving on and I suggest you do the same," I said and patted him on the shoulder. He just shook his head and left.

I hated how rattled he had made me. I spent most of that day trying to compose myself for that night, and just a few words from him shook me to my core. I didn't have much time to pull myself together because Cullen arrived shortly after Blackwall left. 

"You look absolutely stunning," I heard Cullen whisper before I saw him. I pulled a smile on my face and turned around to greet him.

"Well, it's kind of a special night," I said and crossed the room to give him a kiss. I let the kiss linger and grow deeper. His hands quickly made their way up to my waist and then up my back to find my zipper, "shouldn't we have our dinner first?" I asked as he pulled the zipper down and he shook his head.

"Dinner can wait, I cannot. Is this okay?" he asked sensing my hesitation. I didn't respond, I just began kissing him with as much urgency as I could muster. I hoped he would confuse it for passion or something similar, and he did and proceeded to peel my dress off of me. 

Sex with Cullen was sweet, it's the only way I know how to describe it. But it wasn't nearly enough to sate me, and it wasn't very long, which he apologized for profusely.

"I'm sorry, I thought I would last longer than that, it's just been so long," he said looking rather embarrassed, it was very sweet. I just placed a hand on the side of his face and kissed him.

"You were perfect," I lied, I just wanted to make him feel better and it worked because he smiled, "honestly, I'm flattered that I was able to make you come so quickly," I added and he laughed.

"You were the perfect one. I can't tell you how amazing you felt. I love you so much, Lenora," he said and squeezed my hand.

"Are you ready to eat now?" I asked motioning to the dinner, and a playful grin danced across his face.

"Oh, I'm ready to eat," he said as he pushed me back to lying on my bed. He then moved his head between my thighs. He licked and sucked and fingered until I finally came. Once he was done eating me out, he was ready for more sex, it lasted only slightly longer than the first time. I faked an orgasm for him that time and he seemed exceptionally proud of himself. It was adorable.

"I love you," I said and stroked his hair. I knew that was all it would take to make it a perfect evening for him. 

Cullen and I eventually ate dinner and I allowed him to stay all night. I didn't sleep much because I was afraid of having a nightmare with him there. I knew that with his lyrium withdrawals that he was just as likely to wake up screaming, but I didn't want to risk it. I wanted to be perfect for him. If I could be perfect for him, then perhaps that could start to balance the scales in my favor morally. 

I avoided Blackwall. I didn't know what else to do because I felt so awkward around him after our last encounter. I was a mess when I sought him out, and I had no idea he felt as much for me as he exhibited that day. I truly thought it was just sex for him. And I thought it was just sex for me too. But if that was all it had been, why did his display of emotion affect me as much as it did. I made a fool out of myself, but that's not what made me feel awkward. The passionate love making that was our last time together. That wasn't just sex, and then I cried afterwards. That was probably the most embarrassing part. No one had ever seen me cry before. Anytime I had to do business near the barn I waited until I knew he was elsewhere. And I stopped having him accompany me on missions. 

For a whole month, I was able to avoid Blackwall and get closer to Cullen. I also drank a lot more that month. I had wished the sex with Cullen could have been enough, but it just wasn't, so I drank more and went out a lot more to kill demons, bandits, and red templars. The thrill of killing was almost better than an orgasm. My entire body became a weapon on the battlefield and there was no greater rush. 

"Wow, boss. If you weren't the inquisitor, you'd definitely be a charger," Iron Bull said one day when I'd killed an entire fort of bandits before the rest of my party could get there.

"You couldn't afford me," I teased. "Go ahead and make camp here, we'll head back in the morning," I added. For this trip I had brought Iron Bull, Dorian, and Solas. Solas wandered off immediately, but Dorian and Bull stuck around

"Listen boss, everyone's kind of worried about you. You've never fought as perfectly as you have the last few weeks, which isn't a bad thing, necessarily, but you are starting to scare some of the recruits who tag along.I usually don't stick my nose where it doesn't belong, but I couldn't help but notice this all started shortly after you stopped your late night visits with the warden," he said.

"That's nobody's business but mine," I stated.

"True, but the vint says he hasn't seen you at all lately," bull said nudging Dorian.

"It's true, my dear, I never see you anymore. This is the most miserable I've ever seen you. Is it Cullen?" He asked and I just shook my head. Dorian shooed Bull away sensing I needed to talk.

"Cullen is wonderful, and I'm lucky he's so in love with me. I just think the pressure of being in charge is starting to get to me," I lied. I didn't want people to worry about me.

"So this has absolutely nothing to do with whatever was going on between you and Blackwall?" He asked. He knew me better than I gave him credit for. I just shook my head.

"There was nothing going on between Blackwall and me. Will people just let that go already?" I responded, and he held up his hands in surrender. 

"I just had to ask. Then all I can gather is Cullen isn't as good in the sack as our dear warden," Dorian said with a playful glint in his eye.

"How did you manage to hit every nail on the head?" I asked with a laugh.

"That's what a best friend is for. Does my best friend need a cuddle buddy tonight?" He asked and I nodded and hugged him.

"Do you have wine?" I asked.

"Does the divine know the chant of light? Of course I have wine," he said.

That evening I proceeded to tell Dorian everything that had happened. I told him every pathetic detail. I even cried a bit, by that was mostly because of the wine. Wine always makes me emotional. Dorian just listened and never judged. He claimed he understood and offered what advice he could think of. He suggested I talk to Blackwall to clear the air, and that I should probably not be with Cullen if it was just to make myself feel better about myself. Even though I knew he was right, I hated the idea of breaking up with Cullen. Cullen had been a dream of mine for so long, I wasn't sure if I could admit he just wasn't the right dream. 

As soon as we got back to Skyhold, I took my horse to the stable, even though I knew Blackwall was there. We had found some great warden information he had been looking for, so I decided to give it to him. He looked up when he heard me enter, but he didn't say anything. 

"Here," I said and handed him the papers.

"Thank you, I would have liked to have been there," he said and I just nodded. I was starting to lose my nerve. 

"Perhaps next time," I said and started to leave until he spoke up.

"I doubt that. This is the first time I've seen you in a month," he said and I stopped, but didn't turn around right away. I left out a long sigh and turned around slowly.

"I fear that I may not handled our last encounter well. I was in a very vulnerable placed that day, and the last thing I should have done was make my way here. I'm not good at apologies because I never do them, so instead I avoided you. I also felt bad that I may have hurt you. So I'm sorry, Blackwall," I said. I thought on each word as they came out, and it all sounded much better than i had anticipated. He just nodded and thumbed the papers in his hands.

"I understand that, but I don't accept your apology. It's bullshit," he said and my mouth just hung open. I wasn't expecting that. I didn't want to draw it out though, so i nodded and turned to leave. "You did hurt me, but what you refuse to admit is that you hurt yourself too. You choosing Cullen was the wrong choice, and you good and well know that. They say you've been going around half crazed killing anything that gets in your way, and you know why? Because you aren't getting fucked like you need. The two of you prance around here acting like you're in love and it makes me sick because it's a lie. Maybe not for him, I'm sure he loves you, how could he not. But you don't love him because you can't love," Blackwall said in a deep voice. He moved closer to me as he continued talking. He was close enough to touch me, and placed his hands on my waist as he pushed me against the wall and smothered my mouth with his. I gave in for a moment and let him kiss me.

"No," I said, almost cried, as I pushed him away.   
"If I don't know how to love, then what do you care? All I was to you was a good lay. You can find another one. I'm nothing Blackwall. Nothing," I said and pushed him one more time before I moved to leave. He grabbed my arm and kissed me again, "I said no, damn it," I said more forcefully as I pushed him off of me again.

"You're not nothing, damn it. You're everything Nora, and if you can't see that, then Cullen isn't loving you the way you deserve. Before our arrangement, I dreamed of all the ways I could love you. I have loved you since the moment you found me in the woods. You gave me a purpose again, you saved me. I will always love you for that. I was willing to be whatever you needed me to be, so I suggested our stupid arrangement, but I can't do this anymore. I love you. And I'm the only one who can. I'm the only one who really knows you, and knows what goes on in your head. Cullen will never know. You will never be honest enough with him to let him know," Blackwall said with more sincerity than I'd ever heard from anyone before. I just shook my head and ran away as fast as I could. It was a childish move, but if I stayed there and listened to anything more it would have ruined everything. I didn't stop running until I was in Cullen's office. 

When I entered Cullen'ss office, he was in the middle of issuing orders, so I waited against the back wall and observed him. He was so focused, and had that commanding air about him that I found so attractive. But that quality never translated in our relationship. I had loved it when Blackwall would take control and was the commander of the bedroom, I wished Cullen would try it. He flashed me a smile when he was done and everyone was shuffling out of the office. Once every recruit was out, he shut and locked all the doors and then sauntered over to me and wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head upon mine. I brought my arms up and wrapped them around his neck. These were the moments I really loved with Cullen. When he said more in the sigh into my hair than he could ever say in words. 

"I missed you," he whispered and began kissing me. I smiled at him when he pulled back, "I really missed you," he said as he began unbuttoning my armored coat. I moved my hand to stop his.

"Let's play a game. You're the Commander in charge, and I'm the terrible recruit in need of commanding and punishment," I suggested. I was trying to see if we could make the sex interesting because then if nothing else, I could have that. Cullen just sighed.

"Seriously?" He asked, not sounding into the idea.

"I thought it might be fun," I said.

"Maybe another time. I'm tired of being the Commander today, and I missed you. I just want to be with you," he said and leaned his head against my forehead. I just nodded my head. I was a little upset that he wouldn't oblige me. We'd been courting for 2 months, and exclusively sleeping together for half of that time. I never made any kind of request from him, and once I finally did I was rebuffed. "We can play your little game next time," he said sensing my annoyance.

"I guess I shouldn't have asked," I said rolling my eyes. He moved in to kiss me and I didn't really react, I just let him kiss me without kissing him back. He took a step back and looked at me with a question on his face.

"You're mad," he said, questioning it, but also sounding slightly amused.

"A little. I've never made any request of you, and I just feel like we need to spice things up, and you didn't even so much as give it a passing thought. You only want to do what you want to do. And usually I'm happy to accommodate you, I just needed a little bit more today," I said and wished I hadn't opened my mouth as soon as I saw the slight look of hurt cross his face.

"Happy to accommodate me? I thought you enjoyed the time we spent together, or at least you led me to believe you did. I'll tell you why I didn't give it a passing thought, because I assume it's a game you and Blackwall played, and I don't want you to think of him while you're making love to me," he said and for once I was completely shocked. I had no idea he knew. I was so surprised that I just stood there with my mouth agape and couldn't think of anything to say. "Leliana told me as soon as she found out we were courting. She thought I should know. I didn't mind because you and I weren't in a physical relationship, and then you quit with him once we were intimate so I never mentioned it. And I didn't want to mention it now but you pushed the issue," he said, and it just made me mad. 

"No, Blackwall and I didn't play any games. I only asked because I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm sorry, Cullen but I don't think I'm right for you. I wanted to be, and I tried so hard to be right for you, but I can't. Truthfully, you deserve a better than me. I'm not a good person. I actually thought that if i could pretend to be good enough for you than maybe i could be, but I can't. And now knowing that you knew about Blackwall the whole time and you never said anything, I don't know, it feels weird," I said and turned to leave.

"So what does that mean? Are you done?" He asked, I didn't turn to face him I just shook my head and shrugged my shoulders.

"I don't know. I need some time to think about it. I think you should probably think too. If we're really going to try to make it work, I'm going to needed more in the bedroom department. I can't be bored, it's making me into a crazy person. I need spice and that might be difficult for you. So you should think about if that's something you're willing to do. Goodnight Cullen." I said and left. I heard him start to say something but I didn't stay to listen.

I made my way to my quarters in somewhat of a daze. Did I really just give Cullen an ultimatum? Was I that kind of person in a relationship? I had no idea because I had never really been in a relationship before. Not that I didn't have ample opportunity, it just never seemed to fit my lifestyle. So I was somewhat surprised to discover that about myself. I decided that Blackwall was kind of right, in that I hadn't been honest with Cullen. I decided that I should give him a chance to want to be with the real me. Just as I started taking off my armor in my room I heard someone burst through the doors.

"You don't just get to say all of that and then leave," i heard Cullen say. I didn't turn around immediately. I finished undressing until I was only wearing my smallclothes and a tunic. I sat on my bed and patted the bed for him to sit down next to me. He obliged and grabbed my hand to hold it as I began talking.

"Cullen, i have dreamed about being with you since I first met you," I said.

"I too have dreamed of being with you since our first meeting," he said.

"But I could see immediately that the kind of woman you deserved was someone I could never be. Instead of just being myself to see if you could love me anyway, i decided to pretend to be that girl you deserved. You are such a good man and I am a terrible person. I have to sleep with people just to shut down all the thoughts and memories and faces that constantly haunt me. Before the inquisition I hurt a lot of people. I thought someone like you could never love someone like me. 

"Before Blackwall I slept with a different person each time, he was the first person it became more frequent, but with him it was purely physical. He and I worked very well in that department, but I was never interested in anything more. However, once you decided that you wanted to take that step with me, i got very confused about a lot of things. I ended things with Blackwall, but it hurt to do that and that's what confused me. I wanted to be with you, I wanted to love you. So Instead of dealing with that confusion I pushed it aside.

"I'm sure you've heard that I've been a little nuts in the field lately. Well that's because I've been suppressing myself in order to please you, or at least what I thought would please you. I was too distracted trying to hide that I haven't really given us a fair shot. I've never been in a relationship before. And I think I got into this one for all the wrong reasons. Yes, i wanted to be with you, but i also thought that if I could be the good woman you wanted, maybe it would make me a slightly less horrible person. I thought I was doing something good by being what you wanted. But it's not working.

"So, commander, you have a choice. If this is too much to take in, and you don't want to go any further than we can end this now and I would completely understand. Or we can try to start again with complete honesty. But that means no more me catering to your wishes simply to make you happy. I want to be happy too which means some adventure and direction in the bedroom. It means I may speak up even though it may upset you. It may mean you find out you don't like me. So what shall it be?" I explained. He didn't respond immediately, which I understood, it was a lot to take in. 

"So our entire relationship thus far was essentially you using me to feel better about yourself? And half of that time you spent sleeping with another man and maybe forming feelings for him too?" he asked and I nodded.

"I suppose you could put it that way. I thought if I could make you happy, maybe I wasn't such a terrible person after all. As yes to the Blackwall part. I'll never be able to apologize enough-," 

"You haven't apologized at all," Cullen interrupted me to point out. I nodded.

"I'm sorry, Cullen. You can walk away if this is too much, but I thought you should see the real me before it was too late."

"You mean before I married you? I don't know Lenora. This is a lot. You don't use people to make yourself a better person. In order to be a better person, you be better. I loved you so much, now I feel as if the person I loved has been taken away from me. I was going to propose to you tonight." he said and then stood and left without a word. 

That night I cried a lot. I put myself out there for the very first time and was rejected. Albeit he had every right to leave, i had just hoped he would have accepted me and stayed. Blackwall was right. I didn't leave my room at all the next day and in fact sent a proxy to the war room meeting. I wouldn't have been able to look at Cullen. I spent that day crying and sleeping. Strangely, letting out all those tears made me feel lighter than I had in a long time. In the late evening I heard a knock at my door and when I got there all I found was a letter slid under the door. 

My Lady Trevalyen,

I must apologize for my abrupt departure last night. I should have stayed. It was a lot that was discussed, in fact it was too much. I thank you for your honesty but I do not know where this leaves us. I want to be with you, but I'm not sure I know how to be with you now. As I stated, i feel as though you are a different person and I am beginning to wonder if any of it was real. 

I am hurt and embarrassed. I do not know what the future holds for you and I, but for the time being I think we need to end this. If anything we could begin again one day, but I feel as though I need to get to know you all over again. 

I'm sorry,

Cullen


	3. Safe and sound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm afraid these chapters drag on a bit... But they are going somewhere I think... In this chapter there's goodbyes, hellos, some attempts at sex scenes (I'm really not good at them), more goodbyes, more hellos, getting shit together in this one. Thanks to the 4 people who liked it enough to Kudo, I was honestly stunned to get even that haha! Also please excuse any errors, it's been a while since I've read what I wrote, and I'm just trusting my proofreading from then haha?

I read the letter several times. I didn't know how to respond without either sounding desperate or sounding cruel. So I decided to get out of my room and get a drink. It was different because I wasn't planning on getting drunk to forget my life. For once I didn't feel guilty about anything. On my way to the tavern I passed Blackwall. I smiled at him and he just looked confused.

"Would you like to join me for a drink? It's been too long since we've talked, which is my fault, so how about a drink and conversation to catch up?" I asked and he nodded.

"I think I could do that," he agreed.

"Blackwall, i owe you an apology. The way I treated you when it was over was unfair. The things I said -- I'm sorry," i said on our way to the tavern.

"Don't apologize," he said.

"I have to. Maybe in order to be a better person, i just need to be better," i said with a smirk as we entered the tavern. We ordered an ale each and found a table to sit at.

"You're different, what's changed?" he asked when we were seated.

"I came clean to Cullen. Told him everything, and it actually felt really good," i said with a laugh.

"So you and Prince charming are finally perfect?" he asked sarcastically.

"I don't know, maybe? Perfectly broken up," i said as Blackwall instantly perked up which made me laugh.

"That is good to know," he said leaning back in his chair with a smile. We drank our ales over small talk. Then when we we're finished, Blackwall made a proposition. "Come to the barn with me. I have something to show you."

"Is it something in your pants? Because I've already seen that," i teased and he roared with laughter. It was one if the first times I'd ever seen him genuinely smile, which made me smile. 

"No, but I could show you that too if you'd like," he responded.

"Better not do that. I should probably start learning how to be alone with myself. What do you want to show me?" I asked.

"I can't tell you, I have to show you," he said and I rolled my eyes.

"Fine, show me," i said and followed him to the barn. He had made a new saddle for my horse. It was an incredible looking saddle.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"It's gorgeous. Did you make this?" I asked and he nodded. "That's amazing, Blackwall! Thank you," i said and gave him a hug.

"I've had a lot of time on my hands," he said and that's when someone entered the barn. 

"Of course I'd find you here," i heard drunk Cullen nearly yell. I quickly moved to Cullen to make sure he was okay.

"You're drunk," i said softly, "come on, let me help you to your room," i added to him. He looked like he wanted to say something but instead just nodded. "Blackwall, thank you for the saddle, it will definitely be useful," i said to Blackwall and slid an arm around Cullen's waist to help him walk. Neither one of us said anything for most of the walk until we got to his office and I had to feel around his pocket for the keys.

"Were you there to have sex with him? How long did it take for you to run to him?" Cullen asked sounding hurt.

"No, that's not why I was there. He'd made a saddle he wanted to show me. I didn't run to him. I ran into him on my way to the tavern and he shared a drink with me," i explained as I helped him up the ladder and started pull his armor off.

"Was any of it real? You and I?" He asked and I nodded. I suddenly felt kind of emotional and I was struggling to keep myself together. 

"Tonight was the first time I've left my room since you left the other night. If it wasn't real, it wouldn't hurt so much," i explained as he laid in his bed once all the armor was off. "Why were you at the barn?" I asked.

"I don't know. I wanted to punch Blackwall in the face," he stated and I just laughed.

"Well I'm glad you didn't," i said and kissed his cheek. He grabbed my hand and then kissed me on the lips. I pulled away. "You shouldn't do that. You're the one that didn't want to be with me. Remember?" 

"Please just stay with me tonight," he said pulling at the buttons on my shirt and kissed me again. I let myself kiss him back. I decided to stay but not in hopes that we were back together, but rather because I thought I owed myself a goodbye with Cullen. The sex that night was far better than I had ever had with Cullen up to that point. He finally took control. By the end of it, I think he needed it as much as I did. I even think he enjoyed it. "Wow," he whispered when we were finished.

"You can say that again," I said with a laugh.

"So that's what you were talking about. I get it now," he said also laughing.

"Of course I find out how good we can be in bed after it's over," I said half teasing and making myself sad all at the same time. It must have had the same effect of him too because he got silent. I just sat up and started getting dressed.

"You could stay," he said and grabbed my hand and I shook my hand loose. When he said that it sounded more like he wanted to do the "gentlemanly" thing more than him actually wanting me to stay.

"As a rule, I don't usually stay where I'm not wanted. This was a mistake, we shouldn't have done this," I whispered as I continued dressing. I was trying so hard not to cry. 

"I don't think it was a mistake. Maybe it's exactly what we needed," he suggested and I just gave a dry laugh.

"Easy to say when you're drunk. If you still feel that way in the morning, you let me know." I said.

"I love you, Nor," he said and I nodded.

"I love you too," I said and left. 

For once I said it and meant it, which surprised me. He was the first person of ever come clean to, maybe I had actually been in love with him which was why it had all hurt so much. I did not anticipate I would hear from Cullen, but I was wrong. The next morning, bright and early, there was a knock at my door. It was Cullen.

"Can you walk with me? I feel we need to talk," he said when I answered the door. I assumed he came because he had regret what happened the previous night.

"Don't worry about it Cullen, it's fine. Everything's fine. I'm aware of where we stand," I said, preferring not to drag it out.

"Everything is not fine. What I did last night was inexcusable. And yet I'm glad it happened. I'm very confused," he said and I patted his arm. 

"I assume you have not changed your mind about me, therefore anything you feel, any confusion, you're going to have to work it out on your own. I'm trying to be okay with it, so please don't make it harder, okay?" I said a single tear escaping down my cheek. He rubbed the tear away.

"I've never seen you cry," he whispered.

"And you never will again. When I said I'd understand if you wanted to end things, I did understand, but I never said I'd be okay with it. So please just stop. Last night was just a hookup that meant nothing, I'm aware of that. You don't have to try to make it better," I said as he continue to caress my cheek and then cradle my face.

"You know, for being such an incredibly intelligent woman, you're kind of missing it here. It wasn't nothing. You were a different person last night. It was like making love with you for the first time. Like my eyes were finally open. It meant a great deal to me, and you can act like it didn't, but I think it meant something to you too. You told me you loved me last night," he pointed out.

"I just wanted to see what it felt like to say when I wasn't pretending to be something I'm not. Whatever was felt last night, it doesn't change anything. You hurt me Cullen. I finally told you the complete truth, something I've never done before with anyone, and you just left. Then you didn't even have the nerve to tell me to my face it was over, you left a letter. You'll notice I didn't try to make you change your mind. I need time to get over you, okay? You said you don't know what the future holds for us, and neither do I, but I know where I stand here in the present. That may change one day, but today is not that day. Goodbye Cullen," I said and receded back into my room and closed the door.

"I'm so sorry Lenora. I will do whatever it takes to win back your love. I promise you," I heard him say to the closed door before he left. Part of me wanted to run as fast as I could to Blackwall just for some revenge sex. Instead I went to Dorian so he could make me feel better. 

"I'm proud of you," Dorian said after I told him what all had happened. I gave a weak half smile.

"I guess I need to stop trying to drink and fuck all the hurt away, I guess I just need to start dealing with it. Telling Cullen the truth was the lightest I've felt in a long time. So, maybe I've been dealing with everything incorrectly. We have a counselor for wounded soldiers, he helps them adjust into a normal life. Maybe he could help me to," I sighed. 

"Who are you? I'm impressed, and all because Cullen dumped you. Who would have guessed," Dorian said with a chuckle.

"I guess that's the beauty of rock bottom. You can only go up," I teased.

"So what about Cullen. Are you really really done?" He asked.

"I think so. For now. He's a fantastic human, just not as open minded as I would prefer," I said.

"You know who is open minded? Blackwall," he said carefully observing my reaction.

"You're right, he is," was all I said.

That day I began seeing a counselor. After I told him what had been going on, he decided that what was wrong was a combination effect of the stress and anxiety of leadership and being permanently altered because of all the war and violence. My brain was having a difficult time dealing with everything so it triggered serious depression. He suggested I begin writing my thoughts and feelings and have someone read them to me so that I could see the things I'd done were not as bad as I was making them. He also suggested a juice regimen and also that I take up gardening. I thought the writing suggestion might help, and assumed the juice and garden suggestions were nonsense.

After one of my sessions with the counselor I was wandering around skyhold and found myself near the barn when I saw Blackwall. I smiled and waved at him. When he noticed me he jogged over to chat. I began thinking that since he seemed to have similar issues to mine, perhaps we could help each other work on them. So we walked to the gardens and I explained to him what I had been discussing with the counselor and the counselor's suggestions. Then I recommended that he also write down his thoughts and feelings and we could meet occasionally to read them to each other. He thought it sounded stupid, but he agreed to try it out. So about a week later we met in the gardens to read what the other wrote. He didn't want it to be out in the open where people could hear us so we found a secluded spot behind some bushes to attempt our first session.

"I feel like I can't breathe. I'm not fit for the inquisition. Just last week we lost three more recruits in the western approach because of darkspawn that had been hiding out in a well I forgot to inspect. It's my fault they're dead. Cullen couldn't look me in the eyes when he informed me. I'm sure he blames me for their deaths as well as his unhappiness. I'm a horrible person that destroys lives." Blackwall read out loud. "This is nonsense. It's not your fault they died and Cullen is unhappy because he broke up with you. I'm sure he regrets it every day," Blackwall said.

"I doubt that," I said.

"So he's hasn't tried to get back together with you yet?" He asked.

"Yes, he's tried," I confirmed.

"Then his misery is his own doing. And those recruits were killed by darkspawn, and that's not your fault. Do you possess the ability to see the future?" He asked and I just shook my head, "there you go."

"Your turn. No one here would ever miss me if I just up and left. I serve no purpose here. They don't know me, and that's best. They will never have to know me. There's only one person that I would even want to have know me anyway, and she hates me now. She'll never give me another chance, but I can't say I deserve one. She wants to help, but she's wasting her time, just one more thing I got wrong," I read out loud and paused. "Who is this she?" I asked.

"You know who she is," was all he said. 

"There are so many people here that would miss you. Myself included. Whether or not you like it, people here care about you, Blackwall and to have you leave now would hurt. She doesn't hate you. She's not wasting her time. She wants to see you feel better because she wants to see herself feel better and it was once said that you and her are the same kind of fucked up," I said softly, leaning in closer to him in an attempt to keep my voice down. Blackwall leaned in too and kissed me very lightly.

"Same kind, yes, but my fucked up is much worse. You're harder on yourself than you should be, I'm not hard enough," he said turning his eyes to the ground. I just placed a finger under his chin to make him face me. 

"You just need to let go of whatever it is that haunts you. Since I've known you, you've done so much good. You help people all the time, most of the time they aren't even aware of it. You're dependable and hard working, and you've saved my ass more times than I can remember," I said and grabbed his hands as I was talking.

"I've done a lot of things to your ass," he whispered causing me to laugh.

"Yes you have," I said with a coy smile. He leaned in and kissed me again. I only allowed this because we were hidden by bushes. I let myself kiss him back, still holding his hands. 

"I miss your ass," Blackwall whispered in between kisses. I started scooting closer to him until I was finally straddling his hips. His hands began creeping up my shirt.

"We probably shouldn't be doing this," I said, finally regaining my senses. He didn't seem to agree because he continued kissing me and tried slipping his hands down my pants. 

"Just be quiet," he said with a very mischievous grin. And with that statement I was on board. It had been almost a month since I had had sex and I missed it. I also felt really connected with Blackwall in that moment. I started fumbling with the tie on his pants and when I got it loose I helped him get mine loose. I wriggled out of my pants and he pulled his down while sitting in the ground. I got down to straddle him again and lowered myself on to his hardened member. I started to moan when I did and he just clamped a hand over my mouth to silence me. His other hand went to my backside to help me maneuver up and down. He pulled his hand around to the front and reached between us to apply pressure to my sensitive nub which instantly made me come and that caused him to come shortly after. He finally removed his hand from my mouth as we both breathed heavily. 

I pulled my clothes back into place as did he, and I didn't know what to do or say. I was kind of disappointed in myself. I did what I had been doing really well at not doing. We sat there in an awkward silence for a few moments and then I began scribbling those thoughts in my journal because I was beginning to feel really terrible.

"I don't think we should do our readings hiding behind bushes anymore," I said meekly.

"Are you okay?" He asked looking concerned and I nodded even though my eyes were beginning to water.

"Fine," I said and spun around where he couldn't see me when a tear escaped. He moved closer and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I just patted his arms and broke free of his embrace. I then got up and left. 

The next few days following that I spent meeting with diplomats, my advisors, and organizing missions. Things were finally starting to run smoothly for the inquisition. People knew who we were, and we were actually getting a lot of help. I was able to spend more time at skyhold instead of always being on missions. I still went out on missions, of course, but they weren't as frequent. Being on the road less helped me feel a lot better about everything, and myself.

The weeks went by, and Blackwall and I continued to meet, but we did so in public areas. He understood that even though I may want to have sex with him, I was trying to abstain. I wanted to improve myself and my promiscuity was a problem. After the time in the chantry garden, Blackwall never tried to initiate any kind of intimate action. I did slip once more after the garden incident. I had been informed that a scout I had helped train had been killed after stumbling into a dragon's lair, and naturally I was upset. I went to the barn in tears, I told Blackwall what happened, and then I proceeded to take off all of my clothes. 

It had been almost three months after Cullen ended our relationship that I finally received word from him. He sent me a message that didn't make any sense. He requested my company because he was eager to meet the leader of the inquisition. I didn't know what to think, so I made my way to his office. I knocked on the door, which was strange because I always just walked in before.

"Come in," Cullen called so I entered. He was giving instructions to one of his captains and then signaled me over when he was done. I just held up the note with a questioning look.

"Care to explain?" I asked and he smiled at me, which immediately warmed my heart and made me smile back.

"What a lovely smile," he said and then straightened up, "right, as you already know, I'm Cullen Rutherford, commander of the inquisition forces. I was eager to meet our leader, which is why I invited you," he explained. It was beyond corny, and I just laughed and shook my head.

"Nice to meet you, commander," I began, but was interrupted.

"Please, call me Cullen," he interrupted.

"Nice to meet you Cullen," I corrected, "I am Lenora Trevelyan, but I really prefer being called Nora, or Nor," I finished extending my hands to shake his, and he accepted.

"It is a pleasure to finally meet you," Cullen said and pulled my hand to his lips to kiss it, which made me grin uncontrollably and blush like I was a young girl.

"Certainly took you long enough," I said with a smirk and he laughed.

"Yes, well, I had recently had a breakup where I completely overreacted, so between kicking myself for that and commanding one of the largest armies in all of Thedas, I've been a little busy," he said sarcastically.

"Overreacted huh?" I asked with a smile.

"Yes, a girl I had been courting had spent the entire time pretending to be something she wasn't," he explained.

"She sounds terrible," I teased.

"No, she's remarkable, she just wanted me to like her. Don't we all do that at one point or another?" He said.

"Maybe you should have given her a chance to explain some of her circumstances. Maybe you were the very first person she ever tried to have a relationship with. Maybe she didn't like herself at all so she didn't think you would like her either. Hypothetically speaking, of course. Just a guess," I said with a smile.

"I don't know how she couldn't like herself, like I said, she's remarkable," he said and moved closer so that he could grab my hand. I shrugged, while letting him hold my hand.

"Remarkable to one person can seem horrible to another. I would guess that she's probably working on that now, though. Having someone such as yourself beak off a relationship was probably a wake up call for her," I said feeling a little sad. 

"How are you?" He asked, finally breaking character. I shrugged again.

"Hard to say. I'm trying to give up all of my vices, so some days are harder than others. I should be thanking you, but I'm far too stubborn to ever do that. However, in all honesty, you breaking up with me was something I needed. I never really allowed myself to emotionally process everything I've been through so I took it out on myself. I'm finally starting to see that," I explained all while keeping dry eyes. He nodded and then hugged me. 

"I wish I had been able to see your struggle. I just wanted so badly to be with you that I didn't even consider anything other than it being perfect. It was actually too perfect, it lacked the passion that comes with honesty and truly sharing yourself with another. I was too selfish and chose not to see that. I am so very sorry," he said and kissed my hands again. I placed my hand on his cheek and cradled his face.

"Thank you," I whispered and kissed him. I needed to hear that. I needed to know that I wasn't the only one at fault. His arms moved to my waist as he pulled me closer and he kissed me back. 

"I have missed you so very much," he whispered into my hair. 

"How can you miss me when you don't know me?" I teased.

"I think that deep down I do know you. I think my heart will always know your heart no matter what your words or actions do or say. I missed your presence in my life. Whoever you are," he added the end with a laugh. I wasn't sure why, but what he said about his heart knowing my heart resonated in me. I knew exactly what he meant. I gave the hug one final squeeze and pulled myself away. 

"Thank you for this, Cullen, really. It means a lot to me. Even though we didn't work out, this makes me feel better about the whole thing," I said.

"Who says we didn't work out?" He asked feigning shock and disbelief.

"You did, my dear," I said and rubbed the back side of my hand down his cheek.

"Preposterous. Of course we work out," he said incredulously. I just laughed and rolled my eyes.

"If you say so, commander," I teased, "I just be on my way. I have an appointment with warden Blackwall. We are trying to help counsel each other, and surprisingly I think it's actually working," I added with a laugh. I saw the scowl on Cullen's face, it was very brief, but it was definitely there. He just nodded, so I turned and left.

"Are you involved with Blackwall?" He called after me as I was walking out the door.

"I'm not sure how it's any of your business, but I'm not involved with anyone, Blackwall or otherwise," I said without turning around and continued walking away.

I made my way to the great hall where I was to meet Blackwall. I sat there waiting for quite some time when he finally staggered in. He was drunk and I immediately mad when I noticed. The last few sessions had gone really well, he was actually starting to open up and admit he needed to forgive himself for whatever he was punishing himself for.

"What's going on?" I asked sternly, not trying to hide my annoyance.

"Our little counseling session right?" He slurred.

"Why are you so drunk?" I asked.

"Because I drank a lot of ale. Okay, read my book," he says throwing his notebook at me. I opened it and read out loud.

"I'm mad at the ale mug for being empty," I read and that's all it said.

"Did I overreact? Were my emotions out of whack? Should I forgive myself," he said with a laugh. I just shook my head and threw his notebook back at him.

"Fuck you," was all I said when I got up and left. 

"Come on inquisitor, it was a joke, it was funny," he said when I started to leave.

"You're the joke. I can't believe I thought this was actually working. That I -- never mind. I won't bother you any further with this. You didn't have to make fun of me for trying to help," I said and I was actually deeply hurt. I had began to feel very close with Blackwall and had been considering an actual relationship with him. I was storming away to my quarters and he just followed me silently. I slammed my door shut behind me and moments after I heard him clumsily open and shut it.

"I'm sorry," he said once we were in my room.

"You're sorry? Imagine how I feel seeing you like this when I had actually just started to consider something more between us. I must have been out of my fucking mind," I yelled at him.

"Please don't say that," he said looking on the verge of tears. 

"What happened, Blackwall? You can tell me," I said and he just shook his head.

"I can't yet. Come join me for a drink, okay? Can we just have our session in the tavern today?" He asked and it seemed like a genuine request. 

"Fine," I said and began moving towards the door when he caught my arm and pulled me in a kiss.

"You know that I love you, don't you?" He said and it was clear that he was conflicted. I just nodded. "Good, I just needed to know that you knew," he added.

"Will you please just tell me what's going on?" I asked and he just shook his head.

We went to the tavern and had a few drinks and he gave me a speech on doing the right thing and being a good man. He then handed me his warden constable badge and left. I thought maybe he was just going to sleep it off but when I went to find him the next morning he was gone. I called a war room meeting to inform my advisors that he was gone and to find out if we could track him down. I didn't want to force him to come back but I would feel better knowing where he was. 

After the meeting was over I sat at the war take staring at all the pieces in the map. I knew he could be anywhere and it would be an impossible task to try to find him. I let out a long sigh and looked up to see Cullen still standing there. I flashed him a hollow smile but I couldn't maintain it.

"Don't worry, we'll find him. You two had gotten close," he half stated, half asked and I nodded my head.

"I thought we were making progress, but it turns out he was just helping me make progress. Once again I was blinded by my own selfish ways," I sighed.

"You couldn't have known. I'm sure you were helping him and that may be why he left. You said he had been talking about wanting to be better. Maybe he's off to make amends somewhere," Cullen suggested and I nodded.

"Maybe," I said even though I didn't believe it. "I just feel so bad; this is my fault," I added.

"You could not have known he was going to leave. You cannot blame yourself for him leaving," Cullen stated and placed a hand over mine. 

"I suppose you're right. Would you like to join me at the tavern for a drink?" I asked. I had had enough with being sober that day and decided that if I were to sleep with someone it may as well be Cullen. 

"I thought you weren't drinking anymore," Cullen countered.

"Today I am. I'll quit again tomorrow but today I need a drink," I said and squeezed his hand that had been resting on top of mine. He just nodded and escorted me to the tavern. 

I ordered us some ale and advised the waitress to continue bringing them until I tell her to stop. I purposely got us a table in a back corner that was poorly lit. After we got there I heard iron bull's booming voice.

"Haven't seen you here in a while, boss," he said and then eyed Cullen suspiciously, "everything okay?" He asked.

"It's fine," I said and then reconsidered, "actually, do you think you could do a face for me? Check your Ben hassrath sources and see if anything turns up about Blackwall. He's MIA and I'd just like to know where he is and that he's okay," I said and Bull just nodded and went to his bench. I then focused my attention on Cullen. "So yesterday you asked how I was, but I didn't ask about you. How are you doing Cullen?" I asked.

"I've been busy, but mostly just regretting how things panned out with you and me," he said and I placed a hand in his.

"I told you I understood. You had every right to. I resented it for a little bit, but I got over it when I realized that it really was for the best," I said and squeezed his hand. "I also forgot to tell you how much I missed you too," I added with a smile.

"Are you upset that Blackwall is gone?" He asked and I nodded.

"He's my friend, of course I'm upset. What did you mean when you said your heart knows my heart?" I asked.

"It's hard to explain but even when I so foolishly called off our relationship, I didn't feel like it was over. You told me what you had done, but I still felt a connection to you. When you're away I feel this tugging in my heart for you and it's only satisfied with your within physical proximity. I never stopped loving you because I don't think I know how to not love you. I feel like my whole life, everything that happened, led me to you. You make everything in my past hurt less. If that makes sense," Cullen explained and in my mind something clicked. Hearing those words come from his mouth brought him into focus for me. Like I could finally see him and once I saw him my heart finally began beating. I felt a tear fall down my cheek and I leaned across the table to kiss him. 

"You are so perfect," I sighed with a smile. "I wish I could go back and not waste all that time being something I'm not. That way we could already be at that happily ever after part. You are quite literally my dream man," I said with a laugh.

"Let's start over then, it's why I sent you that message and acted to corny. Let's have a fresh start and try again," he said squeezing my hand. I let out a long sigh.

"I don't know Cullen. What if we do try again and I am myself and there's still not any passion?" I asked.

"Can you honestly tell me that right here in this moment you don't already feel more passion than we had in the two months we were together combined?" He asked and he was right. I felt like I was on fire for him in that moment.

"But I can't let one moment sway my mind. What if this moment of passion is a combination effect of Blackwall missing, your perfect words, and the ale? I'm probably emotionally vulnerable right now," I added with a smile, "I think you're trying to take advantage of my weakened mental state," I teased and he laughed.

"You found me out and here I thought I was going so well," he teased back and then looked slightly more serious, "I'm not asking you to run off into the sunset with me right this moment. And I don't expect a response tonight. I'm just saying I think giving us another shot would be something you should seriously consider. We work Nor, I can feel it in my bones and I think you can too. So long as we don't hold back, we could be a thing of legend," he said and it made me grin like an idiot. The waitress brought another ale over which meant number three for me.

"I can see why you're our commander you definitely have a way with words. You could probably rally me into anything at this point," I said with a grin.

Cullen and I spent another hour in the tavern joking around and teasing one another and it was actually fun. It was as though I was with a completely different person. Or perhaps I was the different person. When he was walking me to my room I was planning on inviting him up until I thought I was the different person and I had to sigh. 

"I really had a lot of fun tonight, Cullen," I said and leaned against my door frame.

"You almost sounds surprised," he replied with a smile and it made me laugh.

"Well I am surprised. We never had fun before. Not that your boring chess games aren't fun, but I'd rather have a medical exam," I teased which made him laugh boisterously. His laugh made me laugh. "And when I invited you to drink with me, I completely intended on inviting you to stay the night, but you changed my mind," I started to explain.

"Oh great, I messed it up didn't I?" He said, a look of disappointment on his face and I just smile and shook my head. 

"Exactly the opposite. You made it great, which means no sex, damn it," I said with a sigh, "not yet anyway. Let's go back to the beginning. I want to enjoy these moments of authentically enjoying you. Does that sounds okay?" I asked hesitantly.

"It sounds wonderful," he said with a big goofy grin. He then leaned forward and gave me a goodnight kiss. "Goodnight, my lady." With that he turned and left. I actually felt butterflies when he kissed me. Never in my life has that ever occurred prior to that moment. I saw Cassandra across the great Hall after he left, and I smiled and waved at her before closing my door. I heard her disgusted grunt as the door latched. Even that made me smile. I felt like a smiling idiot as I walked up the stairs to my room, and laughed at myself as I latched the door for the evening. 

"I think we need to talk," I heard Dorian say behind me.

"So you heard that did you?" I said and turned to face him. I then began undressing to change into my night clothes.

"I did. Weren't you just saying that you thought Blackwall might be the one for you? And now what, you're just running back to Cullen? I'm getting whiplash trying to keep up," he half teased, half scolded.

"Blackwall left," was all I said as I pulled my nightgown over my head.

"So what? Do you think those feelings left with him? It's not that simple Nor, I love you and I don't want to see you rush into something just to get hurt," he said and I just smiled and kissed his cheek.

"That's the funny part here, I don't want to rush. I had every intention of bedding ser knight tonight, but then he kind of made me actually fall head over heels tonight. He's never been so charming, Dorian. It's like now that I'm a new person to him, it's turned him into a new person to me. It's actually kind of wonderful. So I'm going to take my time this time. Am I still hurt by what Blackwall did? Of course, but he chose to leave. I told him how I felt and he left. So, fuck Blackwall. He could have had the decency to give me a clue where he was going, but no. He wasn't what I thought he was. Which is fine because Cullen is also not what I thought he was, which happens to be a good thing. Don't worry about me, my love, I would hate to see a worry line form on that exquisite face," I said and ran a hand across his cheek.

"Now you're just flattering me. And it's working, you're right, I'm way too pretty to worry. I just had the best friend obligation to say something. Iron bull was worried when he saw you tonight," Dorian explained.

"You and Bull sure have been talking a lot lately. What's going on there?" I asked and Dorian actually blushed when I asked.

"I don't know yet, but I like the mystery and the possibilities," he said with a grin. "You have your surprising man, and maybe I have mine." 

"Then I also have the best friend duty to tell you to be careful. Qunari will always choose the qun and you're tevinter. Just be sure," I said and he kissed my cheek.

"I will be, love," he said and took off his robe to climb in to my bed. He had only his night pants on, no shirt. I did love to look at him without a shirt, he was quite attractive. I enjoyed cuddling with Dorian, it was one of the only times I felt safe and sound. "What will you do when we find Blackwall?" He asked and of course I had no idea.

"We won't," was all I said before I drifted to sleep.


	4. Sail away with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Progress has been made and so has a decision and then everything gets switched up. Naughtiness ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm almost caught up to what I have written so far. This story takes turns that even I wasn't expecting. At this point I have no clue where it's going to end up. The next chapter gets even more insane, and I think I like it... There's a sex scene in this one, and I'm still not good at them. A comment and three more kudos?! Thanks guys!

The very next morning a raven arrived stating Blackwall was in Val Royeaux. I gave a heavy sigh and made my way to the war room to discuss this information with my advisors. I didn't know what to do. I really was quite fascinated and interested in Cullen, but I had to go to Blackwall to find out why he left. The two men appealed to my different sides. Cullen was perfect for my bright happy side which was a new side to me that I was beginning to enjoy. Blackwall was perfect for my dark side, the side I knew the best and could never completely be rid of. I knew I couldn't think about it too much, first I had to find out what was going on before I could legitimately begin to decide.

"We found information in his possessions left behind. He's heading to Val Royeaux for an execution," Leliana informed.

"Are we going to track him down, or are we just wanting to know where he is?" Cullen asked, paying close attention to my answer.

"I hate to admit it, but we need Blackwall. He is the last remaining Grey Warden in Orlais and we need him in order to use the warden documents and contracts. What do we know of the execution?" I asked, ignoring the look of disappointment on Cullen's face.

"Apparently he is being tried for treason, his entire company killed a powerful diplomat along with his entourage which included his wife and children. It was a gruesome ordeal. Everyone that was not immediately captured went into hiding, now that they are executing this man, there is apparently only one other hold out," Leliana said..

"Let me guess," I said sarcastically shaking my head.

"Well the drawing very much resembles Blackwall, but the name is different. Perhaps it best to try to get to val Royeaux before the worst happens," Leliana said and I nodded

"I agree. I'll take Dorian, Varric, and Cassandra with me," I said.

"I will also meet you there," Cullen said.

"Thank you, commander, but that's really not necessary," I stated.

"No he's right, I think it best that one of us goes along, just in case, and they seem to love the commander there," Josephine agreed so I just nodded in agreement. 

"We'll leave at once then," I said and dismissed the meeting. I turned to leave but Cullen grabbed my arm to stop me and waited to speak until Josephine and Leliana left.

"Are you sure this is the best idea? Why not just let him be?" Cullen asked.

"Because he's in trouble, Cullen, and he's my friend. The inquisition owes him, so we will go back him up even if he was too stubborn to ask for help," I said.

"Of course, inquisitor, I didn't mean offense," he said, apparently I had been too abrupt.

"It's fine," I said and placed a hand on his forearm, "does it bother you?" I asked.

"Yes. I just like where we are headed and I'm worried he may change that," Cullen admitted and I smiled and brushed his cheek with my hand and kissed him.

"It changes nothing. You are the one I'd like to court, you're the one I am truly interested in. He left without a word, I will not be treated in such fashion and turn around and allow it to happen again. He missed his chance, and honestly I'm glad. If he'd stayed, I'm not sure I would have noticed how charming you really can be," I said with a smile.

"Just you wait and see just how charming I can actually be," he said moving closer until our hips were touching and I lost my breath. His hands trailed to my hips and he lightly placed a kiss on my lips. I finally could breathe and inhaled his fresh scent. I felt myself floating away. 

"I can't wait," I sighed when he took a step back with my eyes closed, and it made him chuckle.

"I think you're finally beginning to get a very small taste of the effect you have always had on me. This is going to be fun," he said with a grin and left the war room.

The journey to Val Royeaux was not completely terrible, I had Dorian and Varric there, my two closest friends, and Cullen, the man of my dreams. All of that in addition to Cassandra not being a complete bother made it all very tolerable. Until we finally arrived to our destination, that is. We arrived just as they were beginning the execution, we weren't able to look for Blackwall, and that's when the truth came out. Blackwall was the captain that issued the order to kill the entire family. I felt my heart sink into my stomach. Suddenly everything made sense. I had killed a lot of innocent people in my years, but luckily I never killed children, Blackwall had. It was lucky that Cullen was there because they immediately took Blackwall into custody and Cullen had to pull some strings to get us inside. Cullen gave me the rundown. Blackwall was never even a grey warden. That actually did surprise me. I felt sick.

"Are you okay?" Cullen asked after he told me everything. I shook my head.

"I feel betrayed. You know my history with him, now I just feel sick. Maker, how could I have been so blind?" I asked, getting upset.

"He clearly was using the inquisition. But then why turn himself in now? He's in the inner circle," Cullen speculated and I shook my head.

"He wasn't using the inquisition, he was trying to make amends. Be someone he's not in order to make him better. Sound familiar? I need to go talk to him," I said and Cullen just nodded. I made my way down into the holding cells.

"You shouldn't have come here," Blackwall said, hanging his head. 

"I had to come. So this is it, the thing you came so close to forgiving yourself for? I have to admit, you were right it's pretty bad," I said and he looked up at me. "How could you lie to me like that? I feel betrayed and violated in ways I never knew possible. It's like you're a stranger," I said in a harsh whisper.

"I never meant to hurt you. Everything I felt, everything you felt, it was all real. Just my name wasn't entirely accurate," he clarified.

"You're not a grey warden," I stated and he shook his head. "Why did you leave? Why couldn't you trust me with this?" I asked.

"I didn't tell you because I knew you would do this. I don't want to be saved, Nora, I'm ready to pay for my crimes. I can't continue with this guilt any longer," he pleaded and grabbed my hands to pull me closer into a kiss. "Damn it, why did you have to show up here?" He added on the verge of tears.

"Because, you helped save me from myself, and now it's my turn to do the same," I said, regaining my composure. "I will have Cullen transfer you back to skyhold as a prisoner of the inquisition. We need you Blackwall, or whatever your name is," I said and turned on my heel to leave.

"Cullen? Are you back together with the commander?" He asked noticing my use of his name instead of his title.

"That is none of your business captain Ranier. You gave up the right to knowing any of my business when I told you how I felt and you just left," I said.

"And it killed me to do it Nora. I love you so fucking much that hearing you tell me you wanted to give us a real shot almost killed me as I made my way here. You are the only woman I've ever loved and I would beg you on hands and knees for another chance if I thought it would work," he said and reached up to run his hand along my cheek. I just pulled away.

"You don't get another chance. Not that it's any of your business, but I am trying again with Cullen. He has never been anything but honest with me. Whereas you've never been honest with me. My mind's made up. I am only here because the inquisition requires it," I said and left.

The journey back to skyhold was the worst. I was emotionally drained and I had to face Cullen and Blackwall everyday. I had no idea what to do with Blackwall. I almost wanted to banish him with the grey wardens and force him to go through the joining. I wanted to leave him in a prison and rot. But mostly I wanted to understand. How can you lie to someone and love them? I couldn't love Cullen when I was lying. I also suddenly understood how Cullen felt when I had come clean. I really wanted to drink, so I spent every night we were traveling in Dorian's tent and he helped field people requesting to speak to me. He had to turn Cullen away several times which made me smile. I was glad he wanted to check on me. I had Dorian tell him I was fine and just needed some alone time. Once we got back to skyhold, I locked myself in my room for a few days. I was hurt and confused and I really didn't want to do something I would regret, so I hid away. 

Once I made my way through the wallowing stage of what had happened, I realized that I really didn't blame Blackwall. It wasn't really that he lied to me, he had embodied the lie long before me and if not for me he may have kept it up the rest of his life. I finally realized that the truth coming out would be a huge weight off of his shoulders. It may take time for him to figure that out, but this was his breakthrough. I wanted to talk to him, but more than that I wanted to talk to Cullen. So I made my way to his office. On my way to Cullen I felt a peace I had never felt before. Things were finally falling into place. When I entered his office he was giving orders to a few recruits, so I waited until he was finished. I did enjoy watching him command. That thought sent a chill down my spine as I recalled the last time I was with Cullen. I flashed him a smile as I made my way to the back of his office to look at a book. He finished his orders and I heard him close and lock the doors to his office which made me smile as I feigned interest in whatever book I was holding. 

"The canticles of Thedas, fascinating read," he teased as he grabbed the book from my hands.

"A real page turner," I replied softly. I felt like I couldn't breathe having him so close to me. 

"I hope you can't tear yourself away for a few moments, unless you came here specifically to read," he replied and bit his lip which made my insides melt. I shook my head.

"I suppose I could take a break," I said breathlessly. What was this new effect he had on me?

"Good," was all he said when he kissed me. It was slow and soft at first, then I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he lifted me up and placed his hand beneath my thighs to hold me up and pushed me against the wall while holding me. Once it felt like it was going to far I let out a sigh and hung my head. "Maker, I've missed you," he sighed.

"And I you," I responded and found my footing. 

"Have you been to Blackwall? What did he say?" Cullen asked as he tried to regain his composure. I shook my head.

"I don't know, I haven't seen him yet. I came here first," I said with a smile and he took a step closer and grabbed my hips.

"I can't say I don't love hearing that," he said with a smirk and leaned in to kiss me. I almost got carried away again when he had me backed against his desk, and his hand trying to inch up my shirt. 

"I don't want to rush things Cullen. I don't want to go too far too quickly and then regret it," I said placing my hands on his chest to stop him.

"Tell me you don't want it, and I'll stop," he said with a smile. I let out a sigh.

"Of course I do, but what if it's too soon? I thought we were starting over?" I asked.

"It doesn't feel too soon, it feels right. We feel right, don't we?" He asked and I just smiled and nodded. We did finally feel right but then that nagging voice in the back of my head reminded me of Blackwall. 

"I don't think I'm ready yet," I said as I hung my head feeling ashamed. I felt like sex was all I had to offer and if I turned it down he wouldn't want me. I actually started crying at that thought and jumped off his desk pushing past him to leave.

"I'm sorry Lenora, I didn't mean to push. Don't be upset," he pleaded and caught up to me to grab my arm.

"I want to be ready, and I'm sorry that I'm just not. I'm trying to be different and better, but I didn't want to disappoint you. I'm sorry Cullen," I choked out, very emotional.

"Please don't be upset. I'm only disappointed in myself. There is nothing you could do to disappoint me, I promise you that. I know you've been trying to be better and it's so admirable. I shouldn't have done what I did. Please forgive me," he said. I just nodded and left.

I walked out unsure or what to do next. I probably should have stayed, but it was awkward. I wasn't sure why I got so upset. I think I was mostly just embarrassed. I'd never denied someone I was actually interested in, but I felt like I needed to talk to Blackwall first. I needed to know that what I felt for Cullen was real and not just lashing out. I was not looking forward to that conversation. I made my way straight to the jail cells. Blackwall didn't look up immediately, he probably just thought I was the guard, so I stood there and watched him for a moment. He looked as broken as usual, but different. It was as though he had all the pieces now and he could finally begin working to put them back together. 

"You know, I think your leaving was best for both of us," I thought aloud, alerting him to my presence. He looked up at me, and those blue eyes stopped me in my tracks for a moment.

"That so?" He asked and I nodded. I grabbed a chair and set it outside of his cell and took a seat.

"You needed the truth to come out, and now that it has you can begin putting yourself back together. I needed to know that you weren't the only person that could love me," I explained. 

"So that's it then? I go to do the right thing, and you just chuck me?" He asked and I chuckled a bit.

"Maybe. I'm not sure. I just know it took you leaving for me to see Cullen. I never could really see him with you here. But then you weren't, and there he was. I am glad to know the truth now, though. I'm glad to finally know you," I whispered and reached through the cell to grab his hand. He squeezed my hand and pulled it closer to his face and held it against his cheek. 

"I wish to the maker I had done things differently. I would give anything to be with you," he said with closed eyes and kissed my hand. I pulled my arm back and unlocked the cell to sit in it with him and wrapped my arms around him. "I love you so much. I never told you that, and I wish I had. You could have been mine," he said and began crying. He looked up at me and kissed me. I allowed it. I'd never seen him emotional like that before. I kissed him back and moved closer to him. He began pawing at my clothes. I wanted to let go and lose control, but I knew I couldn't. I stopped kissing him and sighed heavily, which he understood was the signal to stop. I stood up and straightened myself out. I hated to admit it, but what I felt for Cullen wasn't fleeting, but rather something quite real. 

"You told me many times how you felt, I just wasn't ready to hear it until you left. I'm glad you did what you did, I just wish you could have done it differently. But as it stands, I have to see where this goes with Cullen, I owe that much to myself," I said and he just smiled and nodded.

"I think you're right, but i didn't until you just said that," he said.

"What?" I asked.

"You owe it to yourself. That sounds like a changed woman to me. And maybe you're right, maybe it was best for us both that I left when I did. I needed to work on me before I can be the man you deserve. So you go and try Cullen out. When it doesn't work out, I'll be here. I'll always be here," he said and kissed my forehead. I nodded and left the cell, leaving the door open.

"You're free to go," I said as I left. 

I went directly to Cullen. When I entered and saw he was alone I proceeded to lock all the doors. When I was finished I turned to see him with a smirk on his face.

"So earlier got weird," I began and he started to say something but I held up my hand to silence him. "It was weird, Cullen, I was weird. I had a moment where I felt like nothing had changed. I was still the girl that had nothing to offer besides sex," I said.

"I know that you're not," he said and I nodded.

"I know that too, but in that moment I didn't. It scared me. I was worried that what I felt for you wasn't real, but rather a retaliation thing. I had to prove to myself that when we were finally together like that again, I wasn't just using you again. So I had to go talk to blackwall. It was there I realized that what happened had to happen. I needed him to leave so that I could finally see you," I explained all while moving closer to the desk until I was sitting on it in front of him holding his hand. 

"And do you still like what you saw now that he's back?" Cullen asked and it made me smile widely. He was the perfect mix of charm and uncertainty. I knew that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from falling in love with him. I nodded in response to his question.

"Very much," I said and began to bend down to kiss him. He leaned forward to meet me halfway. "I thought blackwall was the one for me because of our similar darkness. But I'm not that person anymore and it took you for me to see that. I don't want to be with you to make myself better, I want to be with you because I want you," I said and kissed him again. He stood up and moved himself between my legs, placed both of his hands on the sides of my face and kissed me even harder. "I want you so much," I whispered between kisses. 

"I have wanted you since the moment I first laid eyes on you, and I never stopped," he whispered and leaned forward placing his ear on my chest. "My heart always knew your heart," he said softly, reiterating the sentiment that so endeared me to him. I brought my hand up to his head and ran my fingers through his hair.

"I think you're right. Even when I was so low and lost I always dreamed of you," I sighed. He then shifted and began placing light kisses on my chest. We stayed there like that for a short while before I kissed the top of his head and hopped off his desk. "So yes, Cullen Rutherford, I would like to begin courting you again," I said making it sound like an official decree which roused a chuckle from him and he nodded before kissing me lightly.

The week following my decision, Cullen and I would have dinner together and then we'd talk late into the night. We talked about everything, we laughed, cried and everything in between. I had never felt so close to a person as I did with Cullen after that first week. We would make out occasionally, but it never went too far. I felt so comfortable with Cullen, everything felt right. So finally, the day came where I decided I wanted to take the plunge and begin a physical relationship. 

The day I decided I wanted to sleep with Cullen, we'd been seeing each other for a week and a half. I was exceptionally anxious throughout that day. I couldn't focus in any meeting I attended, and I kept saying the wrong things when I was required to speak. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and went to find him while everyone was having lunch. When I entered his office he happened to be alone, which was uncommon, and I went around locking all the doors.

"What are you doing?" He chuckled as I went about securing the room.

"I'm seducing you," I said once I was finished and I sauntered over to his desk. Or at least I tried to saunter, I ended up stumbling as I got to his desk. I quickly tried to recover but he was already holding back a laugh. 

"Seducing me? Huh," he said and just sat back in his chair. I just nodded and brought a foot up to one of his arm rests on the chair he was sitting on. I then started peeling off the boot on that foot. I then did the same with the other foot. Then I moved to stand between him and his desk and slowly unbuttoned my shirt for him.

"Is it working?" I asked in a soft voice. He just gulped and nodded. 

I smiled and finished unbuttoning a bit faster. Then my hands moved down to unlace my breeches. I was going deliberately slow in attempts to build the anticipation and it seemed to be working. Once my breeches were unlaced I turned around and bent over his desk as I very slowly pulled them over my hips and and down to my knees where they got hitched, so Cullen pushed them the rest of the way down and very slowly ran his hands up my legs. He then pulled down my small clothes and squeezed my hind quarters. He stood up and began kissing the top of my back running his hands up and down my backside. He then took one hand off of me and I heard him fumbling with his clothes. I giggled slightly and turned around to help him undress. He also helped me finish undressing by taking off my breast band. When he did he stopped me and looked me up and down. 

"You're so much more beautiful than I even remember," he said and kissed me. He moved his hands up to grope my breasts.

"This is the most exposed I've ever been, and I don't mean just the nudity. Swear to me you won't make me regret this," I said.

"I swear," he said looking me straight in the eyes. I immediately kissed him forcefully when he said that and continued pulling his clothes off. His hands roamed freely over my body, and mine over his. It was like it was our first time. The heavy petting quickly went father as he slipped a finger inside of me to test the waters, so to speak. It felt like it had been ages since is had that kind of physical contact so my body responded immediately. He hummed his approval when he felt how wet I was and then slipped another finger inside of me. "Lay back," he instructed with a deep breathy voice. I complied by lying back on his desk and his head moved between my legs. He began moving his fingers in and out as his mouth found my clit which made me moan loudly as soon as he did.

"Oh Maker, Cullen that feels amazing," I cried as his fingers moved even quicker and his tongue was attacking my clit mercilessly. 

"When you come, I want you to scream my name," he said as he sensed I was getting near. I moaned an agreement, and came moments later yelling his name. He started down there a few more moments until I had ridden out the waves. "I want you to taste yourself," he said and made his way up my body and kissed me hard on the mouth. It was so erotic that I thought I might instantly come again. While he was kissing me his hands pushed my legs apart as he positioned himself in between my legs. He held his cock in his hands as he guided the head to my entrance. "Beg," he said.

"Please Cullen, I need to feel you inside me, please please do it," I moaned and he eagerly complied causing even louder incoherent moans. His thrusts were hard and precise hitting that extremely sensitive spot every time. He made me come again, and then he began picking up his pace. I could sense that he was torn between wanting to make it last longer and wanting to come. "Please come for me Cullen. I want you to come inside me. Fill me up with you," I said to help make his decision and it worked. His pace significantly accelerated until he was thrusting in and out with wild abandon the sound of our bodies slamming together filled the room. That's when one of the doors swung open.

"Commander," a soldier said but Cullen cut him off.

"GET OUT," he roared and the door was immediately slammed. Cullen slowed down because of the interruption, looking slightly.

"Don't stop," I pleaded and he immediately was going full speed again. His sweat was dropping down on me mixing with my sweat that was dripping in the desk. His orgasm finally began building and then exploded as he continued to pump furiously in and out of me. He then collapsed on top of me and waited for a few moments before rolling off of me. 

"That was amazing. Beyond amazing. Now, i need you to go get up to my bed, we're going to do that again just as soon as I sign that report," he said with a laugh as he pulled on his clothes. I started to put mine on too, "I don't recall telling you to get dressed," he teased and swatted my backside. I laughed and just carried my clothes up to his loft with me.

Cullen and I spent the rest of the day in the loft of his office, barely getting out of bed. Eventually we had to get dressed and go to dinner, and once we were done with that we hid in my room the rest of the evening. We spent that time opening up to each other and exploring each other. It was one of the best days of my life. But early the next morning the real world knocked, and brought us crashing down to earth. 

"Go away!" I yelled in response to the literal knocking of the real world.

"I'm so sorry to bother you my lady, but the commander is needed in his office for the daily debriefing," a scout said at the door. 

"Oh it's okay, he's already been debriefed," I said and then burst into a fit of giggles when Cullen hit me with a pillow.

"I'll be down shortly," Cullen called. 

"Don't leave," I sighed as he stood from the bed. I rolled on to my stomach to watch him. He was absolutely stunning without any clothes on. His body was so perfectly sculpted, and the scars only seemed to add to the perfection.

"Duty calls," he groaned.

"Fuck duty. And while we're at it, fuck me," I teased.

"I will do many things to you, but fucking will never be one of them," he said and bent down to kiss my head. I just smiled at him.

"I know," I sighed. "Yesterday was there best day I've ever had," I said when he was fully dressed. 

"Me too," he said with a half grin. He then lifted up the sheet covering me to admire my naked body. "Maker, you are phenomenal," he sighed and dropped the sheet and turned to leave. I quickly stood up with the sheet wrapped around me to see him out. I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a kiss.

"Don't leave," I whispered as I laid my head on his shoulder when he brought his arms around my waist.

"Don't tempt me," he said with a chuckle. I then grabbed one of his hands and placed it firmly on my backside to which he gave a full squeeze.

"You mean like this?" I whispered And kissed him again but more deeply. "Or this?" I said and grabbed his other hand to place on my breast after I let the sheet fall off. That proved to be his undoing because moments later we were back in my bed. An hour later he was getting dressed again. That time I went ahead and let him leave. 

It amazed me how comfortable I felt with Cullen. Everything was finally perfect, but I should have known better, because every time something seems perfect, something else comes around to mess it all up. This time it came in the form of the hero of Ferelden. We had been searching for her because her help would have between invaluable against Corypheus, but even after defeating Corypheus, we still needed her. She held a lot of pull, and having her on our side would make a huge difference. If only I had known what a nightmare having her join us would be.


	5. Someone's gonna get their head kicked in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life's perfect, which is the perfect time for the roof to come down.

I didn't know finally finding Elissa, the hero of Ferelden, was an issue until Cullen and I were having dinner together in the forest the day before she was to arrive, which was about three months after we had gotten back together.

"There's something I need to tell you," Cullen began after our meal while we were drinking some wine.

"Sounds ominous," I said with a lazy smile. Wine always made me frisky, and all I wanted was for Cullen to take me hard against a tree. "After you tell me, will you promise to pin me against that tree over there?" I added and he just laughed.

"Gladly," he said with a smile. "I need to tell you something about the hero of Ferelden. You know that she was a mage at kinloch hold, don't you?" He asked.

"I knew she was a mage, but I didn't know she was from kinloch hold. I assume you knew her then?" I asked and eyed him suspiciously. 

"I did. I knew her quite well back then," he confirmed.

"What an interesting turn off events. So you were involved with one of your charges? How very naughty," I said with a smirk. I felt like I knew Cullen well enough to know I didn't have anything to worry about. Like he told me once before, he's a different man than he was then. It was over a decade ago. Cullen laughed and nodded.

"It was never anything serious, and she ended up falling in love with Alistair anyway. But I thought I should tell you, just so that you didn't hear it secondhand from anyone else," he explained and I smiled.

"Thank you for telling me. How long ago was that?" I asked.

"13 years ago," he said.

"You realize that when you were getting it on with the hero of Ferelden I was only 9 years old?" I teased. I loved getting jabs in about the age difference. 

"Oh maker, you are insufferable," he groaned rolling his eyes.

"In case you missed that, I was calling you old. Maybe you should spank me, it might make me sufferable," I said with a wink.

"I'm definitely going to give you a spanking, among other things, but I pray that nothing makes you sufferable. I quite love your being insufferable," he said and leaned over to kiss me. I put my arms around his neck and kissed him back, then began to lay back while pulling him down with me. "In case you missed that, I just told you I loved you," he added as he hovered over me. I had began working on the buttons of his shirt.

"I didn't miss it. You act like it's the first time you told me. You've told me you loved me before. Guess what, I love you too. But I've also told you that before," I said as I finished up unbuttoning his shirt and pulling it off of him.

"But this time you mean it, right?" He asked with that adorable uncertainty I loved so much.

"I meant it the last time I said it to you too. But yes, I still mean it," I whispered and it made me feel very emotional. He just stared at me and stroked my face.

"I didn't know that," he whispered. I just nodded.

"Now if I recall correctly, I believe there was talk about taking against a tree?" I teased and jumped up.

"Yeah, your talking," he corrected and stood up.

"Me, you, does it really matter? What matters is there's no bark rubbing my bare back right now," I said and he laughed and proceeded to fulfill my request.

When Cullen told me about the hero of Ferelden, it didn't bother me, I really wasn't concerned. The hero was with Alistair, Cullen was with me, and their past was verging on ancient history.

When the hero arrived, there was a lot of pomp and circumstance for the occasion. Alistair was with her and I was happy to welcome him back, even though it was slightly awkward. One night while he was at skyhold he and I both got really drunk and I went down on him but I ended up passing out mid-blowjob. We never talked about it, and I honestly wasn't sure if he even remembered. I had completely forgotten about it until I saw him. So that evening I decided to tell Cullen.

"I have to confess something that I had forgotten about until today," I said when we were up in my room after dinner.

"What is it?" He asked.

"I almost slept with Alistair when he was here," I said.

"Almost?" He asked.

"Things started to happen, but I passed out in the middle of things happening," I said assuming the less details the better.

"What kind of things?" Cullen asked with an amused smile.

"Do you really want to know?" I asked with a laugh as i was beginning to feel humiliated

"I do really want to know," he said as he started to remove my boots for me. I groaned and threw myself back on the bed while he unlaced my boots.

"We were talking at the tavern when the suggestion of enjoying each other's company that night came up," I began.

"You mean you suggested you two have sex?" Cullen interrupted.

"I don't see how that's relevant to the story, but yes, I did the suggesting. We barely made it out of the tavern when I went down on him," I said blushing wildly.

"Where exactly?" He asked and I propped myself up to look at him and cocked an eyebrow. "Humor me," he said urging me to continue. He pulled my boots off and began rubbing my feet. This was one of my favorite parts of my days, when he'd massage my feet and legs. I almost got distracted.

"The stairs to the battlements right outside of the tavern. Anyway while I was in the middle of doing that, I passed out. Went unconscious. I woke up to Iron Bull carrying me to my room. Alistair and I never talked about it and like I said I had even forgotten completely about it until tonight," I said and Cullen had began laughing during the story. 

"That is too funny. You should pretend I'm Alistair and give me that blowjob you never gave him," Cullen suggested and I just grinned ear to ear at him. I loved it when he'd say something bold and adventurous like that.

"I'd love to," I said and proceeded to get on my knees. 

"Not here. On the stairs, let's go," he said and off we went. We may have started reenacting on the stairs, but we ended up in one of the unused towers. He had me all over the place that night. When we were finished we were close enough to his office that he suggested we just go there. I hated sleeping in his office because he refused to get the roof fixed. So he went to his office and I went to my room. On the way, however, I bumped into the hero of Ferelden. 

"Inquisitor," she said with a smile when she saw me.

"Elissa, I hope you are finding skyhold to be accommodating," I said to be polite.

"Very much. Alistair was very happy to be back here. He couldn't stop talking about the defenses. He was right, it's a very sound location. He told me a lot about his last visit," she said, narrowing her eyes at me.

"How funny, I was just telling commander Cullen about Alistair's visit as well," I said.

"I understand you and the commander are involved?" She asked and I confirmed with a nod. "So the only two men I've ever been with, one being my husband, you've also been with," she said. 

"In not sure what Alistair told you, but you could hardly say I've been with him. I made a mistake while he was here and I'm glad it didn't go any farther than it did," I said, choosing my words carefully in attempts to keep things civil.

"You had his dick in your mouth and you would have fucked him if you hadn't been as drunk as you were," she said. I was having trouble determining whether she was mad or not.

"If I hadn't been as drunk as I was, it wouldn't have gone as far as it did. I'm so sorry for what did and didn't happen, but I was a different person back then. I promise you that you have nothing to worry about," I said feeling nervous, and that's when she finally smiled.

"I know. I did my research. I was always planning on joining the inquisition because it seems like you really are looking out for mages, but I didn't want to come if I had to worry about my husband sleeping with the inquisitor. Leliana told me when you quit drinking and fucking around. I like to keep tabs on Cullen, and she's already kept me up to date on that as well," she said.

"You keep tabs on Cullen?" I asked. It seemed strange to keep up on someone you had a thing with over a decade ago. She sighed and smiled.

"Some things are hard to let go. I'm sure he told you about us," she said and I nodded, "when he left Kirkwall, I had a hard time giving him up cold turkey, i missed our flings, so I made sure to get updates on him," she said.

"You mean kinloch hold?" I asked.

"Oh dear, I'm afraid I'm giving away his secret. My relationship with Alistair is tricky sometimes. I love him with my whole heart, but occasionally he makes me so mad that I need a break. Before the inquisition I would always end up running away to Cullen. We'd have our time together before i would make my way back to Alistair. I always loved the time I would spend with Cullen. It was like my secret happy place. We would spend days in a hotel room just soaking each other up as much as we could while we could. I hate to admit, I was slightly jealous when I first heard you two were together, but Leliana told me how much you'd changed and how happy the two of you made each other. It made me happy to hear it. So here I am, at your service," she said and I had the fake smile plastered on my face. I felt like she'd just punched me on the gut. Cullen implied they're relationship was only at kinloch hold and that it was 13 years ago. Not over the span of a decade that ended only 3 years ago. 

"We are glad to have your support," I said trying to muster as much fake enthusiasm as I could.

"I've upset you haven't I?" She said looking concerned. I kept the smile in place and shook my head.

"You just painted a much different picture than Cullen did," was all I said and I walked away. I was going to go to my room, but I ended up at the tavern instead. I wasn't even sure how I got there.

"Nora!" I heard Varric, Dorian, and Sera all proclaim in unison. The smile I gave them was genuine. I didn't realize how much I'd missed my friends. 

"Finally able to find your way out of Cullen's breeches i see," Sera teased.

"Shut up and get me a drink already. Shouldn't you be trying to get into my breeches instead of worrying whose I've been in?" I teased and winked. She laughed and ordered me an ale.

"Everything okay?" Dorian whispered when I sat down next to him.

"No, I don't think it is," I said with a smile and held my mug up, " cheers!" I exclaimed and proceeded to get so drunk I blacked out. When I woke up in the loft of the barn in Blackwall's bed, I began freaking out right after I threw up.

"Please tell me nothing happened last night," I said nearly in tears when Blackwall brought a mug to me. He just laughed. I took a drink of the contents and it was coffee with a lot of alcohol in it. He also began applying a salve to my temples.

"Nothing happened. You got really drunk and you did all kinds of things, but then Alistair began hitting on you. When things looked like they were going too far I swung you over my shoulder and carried you here to sleep it off. Did you and Cullen break up or something?" He asked and I shook my head.

"Thank you Blackwall, but I have to go," I said and downed the rest of the spiked coffee before climbing down to make my way to Cullen.

"What happened last night?" Cullen asked sternly when I entered his office. I just sat in the chair in front of his desk and dropped my head in my hands.

"Luckily nothing too bad. I went to the tavern and got entirely too drunk and I guess I started acting like an idiot so Blackwall carried me to the barn to let me sleep it off there," I said and he just stood up and ran his hands through his hair while he paced.

"I'm really trying to not overreact here. What do you mean you guess you started acting like an idiot?" He asked I shrugged.

"I mean I blacked out and don't remember what I did last night," I said and began to cry. I couldn't help it. I felt like all the progress I made had been thrown away in one night. 

"How much did you drink?" He asked.

"I don't know, I only remember having a few drinks. But I must have drank them so fast they went straight to my head. It has been a while since I really drank," I cried. He just got a suspicious look on his face.

"Why did you go to the tavern?" He asked.

"Because I was upset. I found out you hadn't been exactly forthcoming with the details about your relationship with Elissa," I said.

"So you had bumped into her?" He asked.

"Yes, she told me everything Cullen. How it wasn't just some fling, but rather a relationship spanning a decade," I said, still crying.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you that, I was ashamed. She was a married woman, and I tried ending it so many times, but I kept falling into her trap. The last time I refused her, so she suggested we get a drink. She slipped something into my drink to lower my inhibitions so that I wouldn't say no," he confessed.

"That's terrible," I said in shock.

"Was that all she talked about? Her history with me?" He asked.

"No, she also made sure to mention that she knew about what happened between Alistair and I. They must have a seriously dysfunctional relationship," I said.

"Yes, I've heard things, and it's definitely an interesting relationship. I'm concerned about the timing of your blacking out. Do you remember anything at all?" He asked and I shook my head.

"No, although Blackwall said that Alistair was hitting on me. He said I did crazy things, but he didn't tell me what," I said.

"I've heard some pretty crazy things. You apparently we're dancing on the bar and several tables. Sometimes with Sera and Dorian, sometimes alone. You gave Varric and Cole lapdances. You made out with a poster of me as well as a poster of yourself. And that's just what I've heard this morning," he said, finally cracking a smile. I just groaned.

"Sounds like I had a lot of fun, I just wish I could remember it," I said and stood up to hug him.

"Are you sure nothing happened with Blackwall?" Cullen asked as I hugged him.

"I'm sure. He said nothing happened and I trust him." I said. Cullen nodded and gave me a kiss.

"I think I know what happened and I need to go talk to Elissa," he said.

"Then maybe I should go with you. I don't trust her, Cullen. Not after what you told me. What do you think happened?" I asked, already suspecting what he was going to say.

"I think she drugged you. She's crazy, Nor, like a lunatic crazy. And you said she told you about knowing about Alistair, and then went as far too tell you about her and I. Something isn't adding up," he said, confirming what I suspected.

"Then I'm going," I stated. 

"Just trust me, okay. I can deal with her on my own. In Kirkwall I was still a weak man, but I'm not that man anymore. I have you now, and I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize that. I'll speak with her, and I'll let you know what I find out at dinner. I love you," he said and pecked a kiss on my forehead.

"I love you too. I guess that means I have to go do actual work today, then. Damn it. I'll see you at dinner," I said and left. 

I stomped out of Cullen's office and began heading to the war room. Some days i really hated being the inquisitor. Everything had began slowing down in regards to the urgency for action, or reaction, but now there were so many more administrative duties that i was required to perform. All i wanted was to run away from everything for a few weeks. I wanted to abandon the title of inquisitor and go somewhere that didn't require anything of me. I was lost in my running away fantasy as I walked past Alistair along the battlements. I glanced up at him and he had the audacity to wink at me. I reacted before I even had time to think. 

I slammed him into the wall hard and whispered in his ear, "It should have been you that I left in the fade," and I then carried on as if nothing had happened. It felt good to hit something, even though I knew Josephine would have my head as soon as she found out it took place in broad daylight near the garden. It was just the way he looked at me as though I was nothing more than a piece of meat, in addition to hearing about him trying to hook up with me the previous night. I just snapped. 

I managed to stumble through the rest of that day: signing documents, shaking hands, smiling, sitting judgment for the prisoners we were holding, and several other menial tasks. The only pleasant part of the day was when I was finally able to make my way to have dinner with Cullen. We were supposed to meet at the top of the lookout tower, but there was a note on the entrance instead. It was from Cullen and simply told me to meet him in his office. My one good thing that day was now a disappointment, the top of the tower was my favorite place, and I loved going there with Cullen. It wasn't often that we were both able to pry ourselves from our offices, and it seemed as though he wasn't able to after all. 

When I entered his office, the hero of Ferelden was there. She was sitting on Cullen's desk in front of him, leaning down and kissing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, this one looped and turned and looked again it felt like. But I think the end may be coming into focus for me, maybe. But it's going to take a while to get there. This chapter and the next I'm not sure how I feel about them. Now that I think I know where I'm heading I almost want to rewrite then with that in mind. This one and the next one are nuts, like off the walls, padded cells crazy. Or at least it seems that way to me. Maybe it's because I wrote then not knowing where it was headed so it felt crazy? I'm not sure. Please let me know if it seems like it's too much. Thanks again! I'm super excited that anyone at all is reading this. I look forward to checking in again!


	6. We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things take a sad turn for the inquisitor and it challenges all of her progress. Will she fall back into her old self destructive ways, or will she overcome it?

When I first saw Elissa there kissing Cullen all the air left my lungs and I was frozen in my tracks. How many times had I sat in that exact spot. How dare she sit where I sat, kiss who and where I kiss. She glanced up at me, nodded at me and hopped off the desk as if it were nothing. She ran the back of her hand down the side of his face and very sweetly kissed his cheek before she turned to leave. That was my thing, I did that to Cullen, not her. I still was having difficulty managing lung functionality. It was as if my lungs has dried up and were filled with sand. I felt the sting of tears welling up in my eyes. He lied to me. That was all I could think. She walked past me very nonchalantly, and Cullen couldn't look at me. 

"Why do I only fall for the liars? But you sir, were the most convincing liar I've ever met. Congratulations," I said as soon as I found my breath. That's it, I would just turn back into the girl I used to be. I would lash out and hurt him, you can hurt something that strikes first. He took a deep breath to begin saying something but I beat him to the punch, "I need a fucking drink," I sighed and turned to leave.

"Inquisitor, wait please," he said and I stood completely still. His use of my official title felt like daggers in my heart. I kept my back to him, I refused to look at him. "There's nothing I can say to excuse what you saw. But she has me over a barrel here," he began and I whipped around and stomped over to his desk and slapped him hard.

"Do not try to pass the blame to anyone but yourself. You seem of sound mind, so I can't suspect drugs or magic. You made this choice. I don't care if she has you over a fire breathing dragon, you are the one that chose to have her tongue down your throat, and that's just what I happened to walk in on. What happened to you telling me I had nothing to worry about because you loved me? That was obviously bullshit. You asked me to come here to break up with me, correct?" I said and he nodded, his eyes never once making contact with mine. He kept his eyes fixed on the ground. "At least have the courage to look me in the eyes when you break my heart," I said and began to shed tears. I was so furious. He looked up at me and for a moment I saw a painful grimace on his face, but he quickly regained his composure.

"Inquisitor, I know it is callous of me and unfair, but I must call off our relationship. Reconnecting with her has shown me exactly why I fell for her in the first place all those years ago. I have to give us a shot, I owe it to my younger self," he said and it sounded completely rehearsed. I shook my head in disbelief. I began thinking that perhaps it was my own desperation that thought it sounded rehearsed. I just nodded and paced back and forth in front of his desk.

"Just a few days ago you told me it was nothing between the two of you back then. So all of what you just said was bullshit. I don't know why you're doing this because it is obviously more important to you than what we have. I can't imagine why else you would jeopardize this. You would know that if she's strong arming you, blackmailing you, anything like that, we have the power and resources to make it go away. Any idiot would know that. So I'm only left to assume you want to be with her. Now I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to the tavern and drink enough to barely feel drunk. Then I'm going to make my way to the stables, lock all the doors and take off all of my clothes for Blackwall to feast his eyes on the treasure that my body is. I will then encourage him put his hands, lips, tongue, whatever, all over me. Then I will take his clothes off and let him fuck me slow and sweet. He's in love with me, you know, so it will be so sweet. I'm probably going to come several times," I said and he winced several times through my display, but he didn't say anything so I continued, "I'm going to be so spent, and so full of his seed that I'm going to have to spend the night there. He will love that. He'll probably stare at me and run his hands up and down my body as I sleep. Then when we wake up in the morning, we're probably going to make love several more times. By then his words and actions will have convinced me that I'm in love with him, so we will be making love by then, and then we'll probably spend the rest of our lives in bliss. And by bliss, I mean have sex several times a day for the rest of our lives. How does that sound to you?" I asked and he didn't say anything, but his eyes were different. He had a look that could only be described as feral. He moved around the desk and grabbed my shoulders and kissed me hard as he groped several of my gropeable areas. He was forceful and rough, and I found it to be so incredibly sexy. But I wasn't done, I needed him to tell me the truth. "I think I'll kiss Blackwall like that, and let him grab me just like that," I growled at him and he growled back and pushed me against a wall and kissed me even harder all while breathing heavily. "Or maybe I'll fuck the Iron Bull," I said and he slammed himself against me and moved his hand to pull down my pants. That's when I pushed him off of me. I pushed hard so that he fell back and knew I wasn't kidding. "I will fuck every man and woman in skyhold before I let you fuck me ever again," I whispered and opened a door to leave.

"Wait," Cullen said, "You don't understand," he muttered.

"You're right, I don't, but you don't plan on explaining it to me, do you?" I asked. He didn't say anything in response, "Most of what I said was probably bullshit, but I am going to have sex with Blackwall tonight. I'm not even going to be drunk. So while you're with her, I hope you think of that. I hope that whatever the reason for you doing this is worth it," I said and left. He never said anything. He didn't chase after me. After a few paces away I heard him shut the door.

I didn't even waste my time going to the tavern, I went straight to Blackwall. I can't imagine what people thought when they saw me. I was stomping and huffing with tears streaming down my face in the general direction of the stables. I was bumping into people and jumping over things. All decency was gone. I needed to hurt Cullen and the only way to do that was with Blackwall.

"What's wrong?" Blackwall asked as soon as he saw me.

"Can you just tell me that you love me again? I need to hear it, I need someone to love me right now," I whimpered as I moved close to him and buried my head in his chest. He wrapped his arms around me.

"What did Cullen do? I'll fucking kill him," he said, and I knew he meant it.

"First just tell me if you love me," I cried.

"You know I do," Blackwall whispered into my hair. 

"Show me that you love be," I whispered as I leaned up and kissed him. I been began unbuttoning my blouse. I got about halfway before he brought his hands up over mine to stop me.

"I'm sorry my love, but I can't, not like this. Why don't you just tell me what's wrong?" He whispered and led me to a chair. I just kicked it over.

"I don't want to talk, damn it, I want to fuck. I want to hurt him more than he hurt me," I yelled and turned to storm out of there. He ran to catch up with me and blocked my path, he was obviously mad.

"Now just wait a fucking minute. You don't get to run out here to be with me only to get at your idiotic boy toy. It doesn't work like that. Don't let whatever has happened push you back to being that person," he said. I just fell to the ground and cried.

"I'm so sorry Blackwall, this just hurts so much. He broke up with me for her the fucking hero of that fuck hole Ferelden. Fuck all Fereldeners," I cried.

"I have never found one I liked myself," he said with a chuckle and I gave a weak smile. "Did he say why?" He asked and I shook my head. 

"He gave some bullshit story about reconnecting, but I know he was lying. I'm assuming she has something she's holding over his head, I'm not sure what, but he would rather break up with me than come to me with whatever it is. I thought we were close enough to come to each other with anything. But clearly I was wrong," I said, still sitting on the ground. I let out a deep breath and fell back so that I was laying on the ground. I stared up to the sky trying not to cry. Blackwall got down to the ground and laid next to me and grab my hand.

"He's a fool. I'm sorry that he broke up with you," Blackwall said and I laughed.

"No you're not. You're jumping for joy right now in your head," I said making him laugh.

"You know me too well," he said and I felt a familiar pang when he said that.

"Actually, I don't know you at all," I teased and sat up.

"You do, better than most," he said also sitting up. He got to his feet before I did and held his hands out to pull me up. I accepted his hands and brushed off my backside.

"Thank you, Blackwall," I said as I stared at my feet.

"For what?" He asked.

"For telling me no. I would have regretted it if you hadn't," I said and gave him a hug. He reciprocated the hug and held tightly.

"What are you going to do now?" He asked.

"I don't know. I need to figure this out, I need to get a better understanding of what she's doing," I said and I left. 

"Bye," I heard Blackwall call behind me and I just held up my hand as my pace picked up to a run. I had no clue where I was headed.

I found myself knocking on Elissa's door. I didn't know what I was going to do or say, but it's where my feet led me. I needed answers, and Cullen wasn't going to give them to me. I stood there for a short while unsure of what I should do. I wondered if whatever I was going to do was the best for the inquisition. We really needed Elissa's sway as the hero of Ferelden. People worshipped her. But I needed the truth. I finally knocked on the door. She opened it and just held the door open, as of she had been expecting me.

"It took you longer than I expected," she said when I entered her room and closed the door. 

"I made a stop before I came here. Can you please tell me what's going on? One powerful woman to another? Cullen won't tell me why, so I come to you," I said trying to be as calm as I could be. She gestured for me to have a seat and she sat on the chair across from the one she indicated for me. 

"Tea?" She asked as I finally sat down and I just shook my head. "Love and duty, those are the two things that are most difficult to balance. Especially for people in power such as you and I. I don't know what Cullen told you about him and I," she began and paused to sip her tea, "But I do know that if there is anyone that is a slave to duty it's our Cullen. When we were younger and I was merely an apprentice at the circle we fell madly in love. In fact we had even planned to run away before my harrowing. He was willing to leave the Templar order for me, if you can believe it. But then my harrowing was pushed ahead months earlier than was expected. I believe someone had suspected our relationship and plans to escape. I went through the harrowing and immediately I was conscripted into the grey wardens," she said.

"And you went to Ostagar where you met Alistair and the two of you were the sole survivors of the battle, everyone knows that story," I said.

"Not the whole story. I was pregnant when I left the circle, I hadn't told Cullen. And thanks to all those robes and meetings with my love in dark closets, it was easy to hide. I gave birth to the child on my way to Ostagar. I left her with family and I visit her whenever I can. When I told you I came here to help the inquisition because I finally trusted you, that was a lie. I came here because she's sick, and I need Cullen to cure her. She needs her natural parents for the spell I located to work. So I came clean to Cullen. Duty and obligation rule that man's life. He wants to meet her and be involved in her life. I didn't press for this, in fact I insisted that he not do that. But he's a very convincing person when he feels that sense of obligation. So he owns to have his interim commander lined up and trained in a few weeks' time and then we will depart for him to heal and meet his daughter. Alistair and I are to meet at the chantry this afternoon to officiate our annulment, one of Cullen's conditions. Luckily, now that your dear Vivienne, the new divine, happens to be here in skyhold, we can have a speedy annulment. Alistair will remain here with the inquisition while Cullen and I are away. I'm not sure how long we'll be gone, several months. I'm sorry, Lenora, this is not at all what I expected when I came here. I honestly only planned to take him on a mission for a couple weeks to perform the spell and have him right back to you, " she said and I just shook my head.

"That's bullshit," I said through gritted teeth, "this was your plan all along. It's why you drugged me, you knew it would be a way to get Cullen alone. That was the only way you could convince him. You couldn't have been with child in the fucking circle of magi. Weren't you guys given regular medical examinations? Any mage even dabbling in healing magic would have been able to tell you were with child," I said. I was mad and I needed a way to not believe this was happening. 

"I made excuses up to get out of the medical exams. If you'd like we can go to your friend Dorian, he will be able to tell if I've ever given birth," she said, and I hung my head in defeat.

"I need to be able to be mad at you, and if he confirms you did indeed give birth then how can I be mad at you?" I said as my eyes began to water, "I needed you to be the bad guy in this situation," I added.

"Sometimes there's not a bad guy. Sometimes there's just life, and it catches everyone up in the middle of it. I would not have come here if my daughter wasn't dying," she said and reached across the table to hold my hands.

"If you're not the bad guy then why did you drug me?" I asked, but I let her continue holding my hands.

"I didn't. But Cullen told me about it and it definitely sounds like you were drugged, but it wasn't me. I even asked Alistair only because I heard you almost left with him, and he didn't do it either," she said assuredly. I just sighed and hung my head.

"What do I do now? Cullen was the love of my life," I sobbed and she moved around her coffee table to wrap her arms around me.

"I'm so so sorry," she whispered and she had even shed a few tears.

I was completely heartbroken because there was nothing I could have done. I knew Cullen's sense of obligation would mean that he would come back because he was the commander, but he would come back with a wife and daughter. He would never leave Elissa's side now. I felt terrible for all the things I said to him.

"I have to go apologize to Cullen. Thank you, Elissa, for telling me the truth," I said and gave her a hug as I stood to leave. 

I was superb at detecting when someone was bluffing, and I knew what she said was true. I was still going to have Dorian check to make sure she had given birth just to be certain, but I knew in my heart she wasn't lying. So I left her room and made the long trek to Cullen's office. My feet knew the path to his office so well that I didn't even have to think about where I was going. The only thought running through my mind was what I was going to say to him and I had absolutely no idea. I got to his office and I just stood there unsure of what to do or how to act. He stood up from his desk and made his way over to me and wrapped his arms around me. I brought my arms up to hug him and I just started sobbing. I held onto him tightly not wanting to let go. I wanted to always be there like that in his arms.

"I'm so sorry, I had no idea. I wouldn't have said the things I did if I had known," I sobbed into his chest. He just stroked my hair and continued holding me. He tilted my chin up to face him and he gave me a soft kiss.

"She told you?" He asked and I nodded. "So you understand? I had no choice. If there were any other choice I would have done it, anything else. But I have to go, I have to be with her. I've already missed out on 13 years. The right thing has never been more difficult to do," he said and kissed me again. "I love you so much, with my whole heart,"

"I love you too," I said and finally kissed him back which was when things began getting out of control. We'd gotten his armor off, my shirt and his tunic when I finally stopped it. It would have been so easy to get lost in the comfort that was physical contact with Cullen, but he'd made his decision and sleeping with him would have just made the situation that much more difficult. "I can't," I sighed when he started unlacing my breeches. He let out a frustrated groan but didn't actually argue. He just nodded.

"You're right, I'm sorry. It's just the last chance we may have to be together," he said.

"No, our last chance was before she told you. No more chances," I sighed when I finished getting my clothes back into place. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to, though," I said with a wink and kissed him one last time. "You're going to marry her, aren't you?" I added as I turned to leave. Cullen just nodded and hung his head. "Were you really as in love with her as she claims?" And again he nodded. "Then if you want to know my thoughts, I think this really is for the best. You told me it was nothing between the two of you, when it was so much more. You were willing to leave the Templar order for her. You lied to me about that, why? Because I think subconsciously, you knew those feelings were still there. So I think maybe this is the best for you," I said and I left.

Leaving Cullen's office that day left me with conflicting emotions. I felt broken, as though a piece of my being had been ripped away from me. Simultaneously, I felt as though what happened was supposed to happened. It was as though Cullen was never mine to have because he always belonged with Elissa. Usually I would have just locked myself away in my quarters, but I didn't want to be alone. I considered going to Blackwall, but I wasn't looking for a rebound that night. It also wasn't fair for me to only seek out Blackwall when I was hurting. He didn't deserve that. So I went first to speak with Varric. He always had a way of finding the resolution in any issue I came to him with. 

"Wow, I don't know what to tell you. I thought you and Curly were one of those forever things, you know? I mean I already wrote your story. I'm really sorry, I know this hurts right now, but just think of it this way, when you do find your forever it will have to be an epic spectacular kind of love. Just hold on to that, okay?" He said after I told him the whole terrible take. I nodded in agreement. He gave me a deep warm hug.

"Thank you, Varric. And I'm sure I don't need to tell you, but I'm going to anyway, you can't tell anyone about this," I said when I stood to leave.

"Of course," he said.

I then made my way to Dorian so that he and I could get drunk on wine and I could cry my eyes out. He was the one person I always felt safe enough with to let myself really feel. There were no pretences with Dorian, I was only myself and he was only himself. Out of everything that had happened, all the people I had met, he was by far the most important to me. 

"He choose Elissa over me," I cried when I found him.

"Oh shit," he said and led me to his room. He sat me down on his bed and immediately poured two glasses of wine for us. "Okay, tell me what happened," he said once he was sitting next to me. I proceeded to tell him every single detail of what had happened. 

"That's it. He's marrying her because of a kid they made 13 years ago. Now I feel like I'm dying. Like a vital organ has been savagely torn from my chest and I'm just the bloody pulpy mess left behind," I said as we finished off the second bottle of wine. I was definitely drunk.

"His sense of obligation will always get in the way of everything else. He couldn't have ever been the one for you. Besides you're one of the most amazing humans that has ever existed, honestly, I never thought someone like him could ever deserve you. I'm sorry this hurts you so much, and I would give anything to take the pain away, but I'm not sorry that the two of you broke up," he said and I did something extremely stupid, I can only guess my drunken mind thought Dorian was hitting on me because I leaned forward and kissed him full on the mouth, with tongue and everything. He reciprocated the kiss for a moment, but I'm pretty sure that was completely out of pity. 

"Oh fuck, I'm sorry," I said and brought my hands to my face in embarrassment.

"Don't be sorry, I'm flattered that such a phenomenal woman chose my face to make out with. And if I'm being honest, the day you have a penis I will be yours completely, my love," he said and kissed my forehead. I just laughed and fell back on his bed.

"I am so drunk. I think I just need someone to fuck tonight, and you just happened to be in range of my hormones," I sighed as I decided I needed to make my way to the tavern and got up off of the bed. "Yep, random sex is happening tonight. Goodbye my very attractive friend. I love you, please enjoy your evening," I said and saluted him.

"You as well. I think random sex is exactly what you need tonight," he said as I was walking out the door. 

Before I went to the tavern I stopped by my quarters to change my clothes. I decided to ditch my regular outfit I wore around skyhold and instead opted for a wispy white dress that always got the particular brand of attention I was looking for that evening. It hung low in the chest and completely exposed my back, it fell to my knees and wasn't technically see through, but it was about as close as it could get before it became see through. I looked in the mirror and I knew if I saw someone that looked the way I did that night, I would definitely fuck that person. I had let my hair down so my black locks fell in curls down my back. When I walked into the tavern I felt every head turn to look at me. It was the attention I was going for, but once I had it I felt incredibly nervous. 

"If you're looking for someone to help you out of that dress, can I get in line here?" Sera teased.

"I wish, except I heard a nasty rumor that you were in a relationship with one of the recruits? What the hell? I thought you were waiting for me?" I teased back.

"I know right, damn her for having those eyes that are all looky looky I love you and all that. I'm surprised to see you here two days in a row. You and captain tight pants broke up, didn't you?" She asked after lowering her voice.

"Why would I want to talk about stupid sad things like that when I could be getting drunker " I said with a laugh and made my way to the bar and sat down. I signaled for a drink and the barkeep began pouring it for me.

"Funny, our partners break up with us for each other and we both end up in literally the exact same spot," I heard a voice say next to me and turned to see Alistair. Then a lightbulb lit up. I could get laid and have a small degree of revenge. 

"It almost makes one wish we hadn't been interrupted by me passing out last time, aye?" I said with my best come-hither eyes. 

"Revenge sex?" He asked.

"You took the words right out of my mouth," I said with a smile and took a swig of my ale. Alistair and I stayed at the tavern for a while drinking until we were sloppy drunk and then decided to go to my room. 

"Is everything okay?" I heard Cullen's voice ask behind me as we left the tavern. I spun around and smiled at him.

"Everything is wonderful, my love. I was just escorting our almost king here to his room. We here at the inquisition want to make sure our royal bastard is tucked in nice and tight for bed," I said and Alistair and I both erupted in giggles, "I'd love it if you joined us. You could consider it my farewell gift from you. My consolation prize for second place. You could have been Mrs. Commander of the inquisition, but you lost by not getting pregnant 13 years ago," I said and Alistair and I were again both laughing so hard we were having trouble breathing. 

"It could be your you were everything I wanted but you didn't get pregnant first gift," Alistair added with a laugh really getting into the jokes until he realized what that implied, "wait, no he can't join us. This is our farewell gift to them, remember? Revenge sex?" He asked drunkenly and I just laughed and pushed his face causing him to fall down and I refocused on Cullen. 

"What do you care if everything's okay? I'm officially just your cast off. Because you were always in love with another woman but failed to tell me and allowed me to fall in love with you. Remember all that? So I'm going to have a bit of revenge sex with Alistair here," I said banging my foot against Alistair who was still trying to get up off the ground.

"I don't think I'm the only one that still loved someone else. What happened to Blackwall being your revenge sex? Cared too much for him to do that, huh?" He accused and I just slapped him. 

"You don't have the right to advise me of anything in this scenario. And fuck you for thinking you did. You're the one that ruined everything, not me," I said and helped Alistair the rest of the way up and began kissing him in front of Cullen. Alistair brought his hands to my lower back and pulled me close to him and then his hands went even lower and gave a squeeze. Cullen didn't say anything, he just turned and left. A few moments after Cullen was gone I pushed Alistair away. "I'm sorry, Alistair, I suddenly don't feel in the mood," I sighed. 

"I understand, at least let me be a gentleman for once by escorting you to your room," he said and I nodded. "You know, I have always loved Elissa, since the moment I first laid eyes on her. Even through our dysfunction, I loved her. I've seen this coming for a while now, but even with all the warning in the world, I haven't yet been able to stop loving her. I've slept with so many women, you have no idea, but it doesn't help even a little bit. If anything, every girl that isn't her only makes me love and want her more. And you want to know the really truly horrible part that will make it impossible for me to ever get over that woman, I know she loves me just as much as I love her. But she is willing to do anything for her daughter, including marrying a man she hasn't loved in a long time," Alistair drunkenly discussed on the way to my room. I began crying about halfway through. I just hugged him when we got to my room. 

"I don't want to have sex with you tonight, Alistair, but can you stay with me anyway? I don't want to go to sleep alone. You can pretend I'm Elissa, and I can pretend you're Cullen? Just for tonight? I'm not ready to let go yet," I cried. 

"Yes, I can do that," he whispered and we climbed into my bed and just held each other until slumber took us. When I woke up in the morning, Alistair was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for making it this far, you really deserve a pat on the back! The turn we take in this chapter is a sad one, I admit it, it made me sad to write it, BUT I think here soon we're going to be heading in a happier direction... I didn't anticipate this turn when I started this story, but I feel like it was necessary so I kept it instead of scrapping it. I also planned on some dirtiness in this chapter, but everywhere I tried to place one felt wrong. The next chapter with still be saddish, but it will have glimmers of unsadness. But yeah, this chapter and the next made my heart hurt when I wrote them. I'm glad to be past then, now if I could just figure out how to get where I want Lenora to be...


	7. It Can't Rain All The Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lenora continues to deal with her breakup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know how this got left out when I posted the original chapter 7, maybe a copying error, I don't know. But this part was originally written right here, and it was kind of important for the story as a whole. I'm so sorry for anyone that read this, because I'm sure some things didn't make sense haha!

That day was rough, Elissa met with Dorian and I so he could examine her. He quickly confirmed that she had indeed given birth at some point in her life. I felt like it was just another punch in the gut. I nodded and left. I went about my daily duties hoping that would distract me until I had to meet in the war room with all of my advisors, including Cullen. I exerted all of my willpower to pretend that everything was fine. I conducted the meeting as though everything were fine. Even when Cullen explained that he was going to have to be absent for several months, I was fine.

"The inquisition cannot be without its inquisitor and commander for several months," Josephine argued, assuming that he and I would never be separated that long, which must have meant I was also going.

"It's not, it's only going to be without the commander," I clarified, "I'm not going," I said and she looked confused. Leliana leaned over and whispered in Josephine's ear. "Oh, oh my, okay, very well then. I expect you've arranged an interim commander while you are away, Cullen?" She asked and he nodded. "Very well, is there anything else anyone has to add?" She asked and no one spoke up. "We shall meet here again tomorrow then," she said and she clearly wanted to talk to me, but Leliana drug her from the room because leliana saw what I didn't, that Cullen wanted to talk to me.

I was usually the last person to leave the war room meetings because I usually signed all my reports there so that I didn't have to do it later. I didn't even notice Cullen had hung around. 

"I want to talk to you, I want to make everything better but I don't know how to put this feeling into words," Cullen began which startled me because I didn't know he was there. I just let out a deep sigh. 

"Just keep on doing the not saying anything thing, okay?" I said, refusing to look up at him. 

"I have to talk, Lenora, not just for you. I'm also losing the one I love. I'm just trying to do the right thing here. She can't be recognized as my daughter in the eyes of the maker if we are not married. I don't have a choice here," he said and i slammed my hands on the table because it made me furious to hear that.

"You know, I'm sick of hearing that excuse. Of course you have a choice, you can choose to go and help her, get to know her, be her father, and fuck what an absent god thinks. You had a choice and you made it, and your choice wasn't me. So say whatever you need to to ease your conscious, it will do nothing to ease my pain because no matter what you say, you still chose her," I said, refusing to look at him. 

"I may not have been exactly forthcoming about my relationship with Elissa, but it didn't change how I felt about you. You were the love of my life and I was looking forward to loving each other until the day we died. Eventually you will no longer love me, but I will never stop loving you. I will love you and only you for the rest of time. So on days where you are feeling low, remember that no matter where you are or what you're doing there is someone out there that loves you. Don't let this destroy the person you've become. Let this make you stronger and allow yourself to soar even higher. You're right, I had a choice, but if I made any other choice I wouldn't be the man you love. Deep down you know that," he said and I shed a few tears when he said that. I nodded my head but still wouldn't look at him, "please look at me," he pleaded and I finally did. He immediately closed the distance between us and placed both hands on either side of my face and kissed me like there was no tomorrow, because for us there wasn't even today. I brought my arms around his neck and returned the kiss with as much intensity. He moved his hands down to my thighs to lift me up. As soon as he did I separated myself from him.

"I can't, Cullen, I just can't," I cried.

"Please Elissa, be with me this last time," he said reattaching himself to me, he held me tightly to him and pecked kisses along my neck and side of my face. "I never want to be without you," he said as he began crying. "Why is this happening? Why did it have to happen now? I was finally happy. My life finally felt worthwhile," he said, and I was sobbing right along with him. When he said that I grabbed his face and looked him in the eyes.

"You're life has always been worthwhile. Being with me didn't change that. I'm alive because of you. If you hadn't made me want to be a better person, I'm certain I would have already drank myself to death. You bring out the best in people. And I am a better person now thanks to you. No matter who I tried to sleep with yesterday, I just couldn't do it. It's because you made me a better person. Never forget that," I said and kissed his cheek. "When do you intend on marrying her?" I asked.

"Tomorrow," he said and began crying again, which made my waterworks start back up as well. "Just know that when I say my vows to her in front of the maker and everyone I will be imagining it's you I'm saying them to," he said and kissed my forehead. I nodded and hugged him one last time. I felt a sense of resolution in a way knowing this was the end for Cullen and I, but I still felt like I was crumbling away at the loss of him.

"Goodbye Cullen," I whispered and kissed his cheek then left. I decided it was time to go on some missions I had been putting off. There were dragons that needed dealing with and I knew this was the perfect time to do just that. I left intent on organizing the mission. Josephine called out to me as I walked through her office, "No time Josephine, I have to go kill dragons," I said without stopping and made my way to Blackwall first. 

"You look less defeated," Blackwall said when he saw me. I nodded.

"Still just as broken, but less defeated I guess. He has to do what he has to do. He made me see that. I'm sad and I will miss him, but this is one of those things that's out of our hands. So to help me forget about all that, I'm going to Emprise Du Lion because there's a few dragons I haven't dealt with yet because we weren't ready. I think we're ready now. Do you still have that sword I had made for you? The dragon slaying one?" I asked and he just grinned from ear to ear.

"Aye, milady," he said.

"Good, be ready to leave in the morning," I said and ran to find the Iron Bull. I knew he'd kill me if I didn't take him. He would literally kill me.

"Boss," he yelled as a greeting when I entered. I still wasn't used to the chargers being gone. He had chosen the Qun over his own companions. I missed Krem, I had genuinely liked him and even hooked up with him once. He was one of my favorite people and I went through a particularly dark phase when we chose to sacrifice the chargers. 

"I still miss Krem," I said solemnly.

"Aye, he was one of the best," Bull agreed.

"He was one of the best in the sack too. Mm did he have a mouth on him," I sighed and Bull and I both had a laugh. 

"I heard you been going through some shit," he said and I nodded.

"It's pretty fucked up when I went years sleeping with random people for no reason, and now I can't even bring myself to sleep with one person for some revenge sex," I said with a laugh and Bull didn't laugh but flashed a sympathetic smile. "So you know those dragons you've been bugging me to fuck up as you so eloquently put it?" I asked and the excitement was all over his face.

"I'm in, when we leaving? Tonight? I assume you don't want to be here for the ceremony in the morning?" He asked and I shook my head.

"I think I need to be here for it, but immediately after they say I Do, but before they kiss, we're out of here," I stated and he nodded. I then made my way to Cassandra.

"Inquisitor, I hear the commander is getting married in the morning and it's not to you. Are you alright?" She asked.

"Not yet, but one day I will be. In the mean time, I'm going dragon hunting and I need you to come with me. We leave in the morning after the ceremony," I instructed her.

"Very well," she says with a nod. 

After that I ran around skyhold getting preparations made for the mission and gathering supplies. Normally I would have low ranking recruits running around doing the busy with, but I needed it that day. I then had to meet with Cullen to see how many troops he could spare.

"Commander Rutherford," I said when I entered his office and he involuntarily smiled at me until he remembered.

"Inquisitor Trevelyan, how can I assist you?" He asked.

"I am planning a dragon slaying mission, we're heading out tomorrow, for obvious reasons, and I was wondering if you could spare four of five troops," I said as I paced back and forth in front of his desk.

"Yes, I'm sure I could spare that many. Tomorrow you say?" He asked absentmindedly as he began writing a report. 

"Yes," I said, and he shuffled through a few more papers and then called one of the officers in to notify the troops he was sending.

"I rounded up six of my best. Better to be on the safe side," he said, and stood from his desk and moved to stand in front of me, then he then wrapped his arms around me as he inhaled deeply and continued, "You have always been my favorite smell. I never told you that," he said and I just hummed in response. "You have always been my favorite everything," he whispered. I almost got lost in it all but then I regained my sense. I shook him off and took a step back. 

"We can't keep saying goodbye, Cullen. We can't keep holding on. Quit dragging me back into this. I came here as the inquisitor, that's all I'll ever come here as from here on out. When I leave in the morning I'll be gone a few weeks so I won't get a chance to say goodbye or tell you to be safe. I refuse to say goodbye, so be safe," I said and left. 

I couldn't bring myself to sleep alone in my room, so I made my way to Dorian but he wasn't there, I assumed he was out with the Iron Bull. I wandered around for a while until I saw Alistair who appeared to be doing the same thing. I thought about inviting him back to my room to cuddle again, but I thought that probably wasn't the best idea. I needed to not think about Cullen so I did what I said I wouldn't do, I made my way to Blackwall. I hated that he was the one I always went running to. I knew how he felt about me, but I didn't want him to feel like I was stringing him along. I was actually quite close with Blackwall after we'd spent all that time trying to work through our issues together. He knew me better than most, and he understood all my different moods. Where even Dorian and Cullen would occasionally find themselves perplexed by my actions. 

"I can't be by myself tonight, can I please just stay here with you " I asked Blackwall with tears in my eyes. He just nodded and led the way to his bed where he wrapped me in his arms and lied down with me. We didn't say anything and yet it felt like we exchanged something profound and special. Blackwall and I were absolutely kindred spirits. 

The next morning I woke up bright and early and made my way to my room to dress for the day. I thought about wearing a dress, but decided to just wear my armor since I didn't plan on staying for the whole ceremony. Once I was ready I made my way down to the chapel. I slipped in the door since the ceremony had already began, and I stayed in the back by the door. I preferred to just go unnoticed, but I saw Cullen glance up and I caught his eye. He smiled briefly as if out of habit and then his face went back to solemn. Elissa has just finished up her vows and placed a ring in his finger. Then it was Cullen's turn.

"I promise you my whole heart. All the love I had to give, I willingly gave to you and will continue to do so for as long as I live. My heart will never be able to belong to anyone else because it only knows your heart. I honestly believe the maker brought you to me so that I could be so full of love that what we have could last me a lifetime if today was our last day together," he said and I had began crying but felt a hand grab mine, I recognized the hand, it was Dorian. I didn't even need to look at him to know that. I tilted my head to rest it on his shoulder, "You made my life matter, you made all years of pain and suffering worth every second. I'd go through it all a hundred times over so long as it always brought me back to you. I am yours forever," he said bringing the vows to an end. I glanced up and both Cullen and Elissa were shedding tears and she kept glancing at Alistair who also appeared to be emotional. I couldn't take anymore and left as swiftly as I'd entered. Dorian was right behind me. As soon as we were both in the garden he hugged me as tight as he could.

"You know, I kind of understand what he was talking about because I love you as well and I could never imagine not loving you," he whispered in my ear.

"Thank you Dorian," I said and pulled away and gave him a smile.

With that I met up with my traveling companions and we departed.


	8. Should I stay or should I go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of having her heart broken, the inquisitor finds she's stronger than she knew and finds ways to cope and adapt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another bad sex scene... I'm clearly not meant to be an erotica writer, but whatever. I think I'm getting close to an ending, maybe a few more chapters. We'll see. I think this crazy ride will probably settle down and I feel like there's probably some fluff coming? I don't know, I'll find out when it gets there haha! Thanks so much for reading it. This experience has definitely made me a lot less nervous about posting other works in the future should the inspiration arise.

We were off on our dragon hunting expedition for a little less than a month. For hunting down the deadliest beasts in all of Thedas, all of us had a surprisingly enjoyable time. Even Cassandra seemed to enjoy herself. All of our training during our battle with Corypheus had really honed our skills. The effort required to kill the dragons was draining, but not nearly as much as each one of had expected.

"Okay, I know we're supposed to be grateful for being alive and the such after killing a dragon, but did that seem easier than is used to?" Blackwall asked after we had set up camp and were sitting around the fire, I was crammed between Iron Bull and Blackwall. We all chuckled in agreement.

"Yes it did, we didn't use nearly as much health potions as we did the last time we did this," Cassandra confirmed which made me laugh. Her thoroughness and inability to let a question go unanswered made me happy. Yes some things changed and when they did they sometimes felt like they could crush you. But sometimes things started the same, and I realized that's what I needed, some reliability in my life. 

"We're just that fucking good," Bull said and slapped me on the back. I flashed him a smile and nodded.

"It wasn't just that it felt easier, but it felt good. Maybe that was just me. I needed that, I needed to come to something great and massive and stand victorious. And I couldn't have picked better assholes to do that with," I said smiling big as sprawled out, resting my head on Blackwall's lap and my legs on Iron Bull's lap.

"It's what we're here for," Blackwall said and ran a quick hand through my hair. 

"I don't know why you're all getting sentimental over a dragon. It's just a dragon, you act as though that's a major feat. Where I'm from, killing a dragon is an expectation," Cassandra said giving an annoyed sigh.

"Admit it, you loved the electric feeling of the kill," I challenged her and she didn't agree with me, but she did crack a smile. "I have missed this," I sighed.

"The constant threat of death?" Blackwall asked.

"Yes, actually. I missed the traveling so we could have campfire talks, and yes, I missed the fight," I said.

"Something about skyhold makes my skin crawl. It's almost like it's too safe. Give me a constant threat of death any day," the Iron Bull said in agreement. 

"There's no time to worry about superficial details like your boyfriend breaking up with you and marrying another woman two days later. When you're in that mode of fighting for your life, all that other shit just disappears. Honestly, it's better than sex," I thought out loud.

"I think you would do well under the Qun, boss. You have the right mentality for it," Bull said and I just chuckled.

"I'd be terrible, I like my free will too much," I teased.

We spent the rest of that night talking about whatever popped into our minds and took turns telling stories. It was exactly what I needed. I knew being in that spot with those particular people was where I was meant to be. Those three brought out the person that was necessary I become for a time. People who could hone their focus and each of them had more self control than I could ever be capable of. Both were traits that I could greatly benefit from in the aftermath of my breakup. 

The final dragon we slayed proved to be the most challenging, but even he wasn't too challenging for us. That last night before we headed back to skyhold we had a big party with all the troops at the tower of bone. You would have thought we defeated Corypheus all over again, things got somewhat out of control at times, but it was the most fun I had up until that point following my joining the inquisition. At one point I was stumbling around the area and Blackwall happened to find me.

"Just the woman I was looking for," he said in a surprisingly soft tone when he found me. I flashed him one of my best smiles.

"Oh really? And why were you looking for me?" I asked and leaned against the wall next to me. 

"Because you're always the woman I'm looking for. I love looking at you," he said which made me blush slightly. I decided to continue stumbling around until I found a stunning view of the massive bridge we rebuilt.

"This really is a magnificent place. I can't wait to see is splendor once the entire area is rebuilt," I mused, trying to talk about anything else.

"Aye," Blackwall said, apparently understanding what I was trying to accomplish. "These lands were some of the most beautiful. When I first arrived to Orlais, this was my favorite place to go," he said as he finally stopped staring at me and looked out over the expansive view. Even at night it was spectacular. 

"It's hard to imagine the person you must have been back then," I said with a laugh.

"Yeah, even I sometimes have a difficult time picturing it, and I was there," he chuckled.

"What about this," I said running my hands through his beard, "was this here back then?" I asked.

"No, I didn't get this until after I began attempting to fill warden Blackwall's boots," he said, clearly have enjoyed having my hands in his beard.

"I truly cannot picture you without your beard. I think I'd rather like to see that some time. When you no longer need it, of course,I know what it symbolizes to you," I added and bumped my shoulder into his. 

"Maybe I could loan it to you, I almost think you need the beard more than I do right now. If there is anything I can do to ease your suffering, I beg you to tell me what that is," he said and I smiled at him and turned away. I just shook my head.

"Me with a beard, I don't know that I could pull it off," I sighed with a laugh. "Maybe we could stumble across a dead warden that I could become," I teased him and he laughed quite loudly, obviously not expecting that answer.

"With all due respect, my lady, you are not the type of person that could slide from one life to another without people noticing. You couldn't go unnoticed if you tried," he said.

"Well technically speaking, I'm quite skilled at going unnoticed, it was one of the first methods I learned," I clarified.

"Maybe on the battlefield, but that's the only place," he replied. 

"I don't know. I think I could easily fake the inquisitor's death, and become a shadow. I'll live in the woods by myself helping local village people defend themselves, sounds like the way to go to me," I sighed.

"You'd never be alone," he said sincerely. I shrugged my shoulders.

"I'm not so certain. It doesn't matter how much you give of yourself to a person, there will always be something bigger to draw them away. I'm never going to be enough," I thought aloud and sighed deeply. "I'm not the keeping kind. I'm the love em while you got em kind," I added and made my way to my tent to sleep off the party. 

"Not even the maker could stop me from following you wherever you'd go," Blackwall said, but I was too far away and too lost in my own thoughts to hear him.

When we finally made our way back to skyhold, we were informed that we had missed the commander's departure by a few days. I was relieved that we had missed him, because that was the entire purpose of our dragon hunt. Once he left, he was going to be gone for an undetermined amount of time which I was grateful for. I wasn't sure that I'd be able to move on in a healthy manner with him there. I enjoyed being away, but I was also glad to be back. It felt good to be in the place I considered home, and I was excited to sleep in my own bed. 

As soon as my horse was in the stable I was bombarded with decisions that had to be made, people that needed to be judged, nobles needing to have their asses kissed. I finally had to yell to make everyone quit and told them they could schedule a time to meet with me with Josephine, and then made a mental note to buy her a gift and apologize later. Leliana informed me that before any of my administrative duties, I first needed to meet with the interim commander, and that is where I went.

On my way to the commander's office I felt a certain degree of anxiety. It was Cullen's office and even though I knew he wasn't in there, I still felt like that's who I was going to see. Once I finally arrived to his office and opened the door, I couldn't help but smile at the person I saw sitting behind the desk.

"Commander Alistair Theirin, has a ring to it. Not as much of a ring as King Alistair, but what can you do? Aside from kick yourself everyday for not being king," I teased and walked up to him and gave him a hug.

"Well some days I kick myself twice, just to really rub it in," he said with a wink.

"I have to be honest, you were about the last person I expected to see here," I stated as I hopped on the desk and began rifling through reports.

"Me too. But because I'm the hero of Ferelden's liaison, that apparently qualifies me to be commander," he said holding his hands in the air to animate his disbelief.

"Cullen felt guilty about stealing your wife away, huh?" I said, not looking up from the reports.

"You guessed it. And here I thought you would assume it was all my years of experience commanding the grey wardens," he teased. 

"I believe you're beyond qualified for the position and will do exceptionally in Cullen's stead. I'm glad you're the one he chose," I said. I gave him the best smile I could muster and then hopped down from his desk, "I have to go, but I look forward to working with you commander," I said on my way out the door.

The following week I had little time to do anything other than catch up on my duties. On top of that, Alistair as commander took some getting used to. His methods were a stark contrast to Cullen's. Cullen would make his decision logically and based on reason, Alistair made decisions based on feelings. He was always referring to his gut feeling for how he came to a decision. And his gut feelings usually worked out surprisingly well. However, it was difficult to acclimate to those types of judgment calls, and especially difficult to trust them. For the first time as the inquisitor I actually enjoyed being busy with the menial aspects. It helped keep my mind clear of depressing thoughts. 

By the third week of Cullen being gone, the inquisition was more efficient than it had ever been, and I finally began feeling like maybe I could get over Cullen. During those few weeks I did little else outside of meetings and inquisitor tasks. I mostly kept to myself in my downtime. I did a lot of reading and journaling. Occasionally Dorian would join me in my room, but that was about it. About a month after being back, Sera came barging into my room one day, fighting her way past the guards to get into my room. I had to call the guards off before it really got out of control.

"Okay I've had enough of not seeing you ever. I miss the shiny feelings you give me. Do I have to slip something into your drink again for us to have fun?" She asked and I had to laugh.

"You were the one that drugged me?" I asked her incredulously after recovering from my laughing fit.

"You make it sound so bad when you put it that way. I made you have a blast is what I did," she said.

"That was the entire reason Cullen when to talk to Elissa that day. He was concerned she was the one that drugged me," I said and my voice died down as I realized what that meant. If Sera hadn't drugged me, he would probably still be here, we'd probably still be together. As if Sera was reading my mind she responded.

"No, no, no, no, don't think that because it would have happened anyway. Just a little later is all. The truth is really annoying like that, it always comes out, no matter how little you cut the pieces into," Sera said. I just shook my head. 

"Maybe. Or maybe he never would have gone to see her that day, and maybe he would have never broken my entire being. Maybe I'd still be a whole, happy person," I said and I began sobbing. It was the first time I had cried since the wedding. Sera hugged me as tightly as she could.

"If he was still here, you'd both still be living a lie. He was always going to leave the second she got here, it was only ever a matter of when. You can't be whole with a half a person and that's all Cullen ever was," Sera said so sweetly. I knew deep down that she was right. She sat there with me while I let out a month's worth of tears. Once I got myself under control, I did feel better. I'd gotten so busy I forgot to feel, so letting it all out was like a weight being lifted from my shoulders. 

"Well at least I know who really drugged me. And for future reference, it's not a blast if I can't remember any of it," I teased her once I'd washed my face off.

"No, it was still a blast, trust me. At one point you were actually stroking the Iron Bull's horns like you were sodding him off or something," she said as she began laughing hysterically.

"Yeah, that's not a blast, that's embarrassing," I clarified.

"You need to put on one of those pretty dresses you used to wear all the time, only because I really like to look at you in them, and then come join me and warden whoever for drinks," she instructed and pushed me into my dressing room. 

"I don't know, I don't really feel up to it yet," I complained. Sera was just rifling through my dresses.

"No, no I don't think I asked. Take that off," she said pointing to my pants and blouse. 

"I like this," I said.

"No, off, it's hideous," she said. I really couldn't argue that and began taking my clothes off. I looked up when I noticed she had quit looking through my clothes and I caught her staring at me. "Yep, just as gorgeous as I remember. You remember that night we got together? That was wild," she said with a smile.

"I think it was either your first or second night with the inquisition," I replied with a smile. She ran a hand up my arm, and let out a long sigh when she reached my collar bone. My body was buzzing under her touch. Her hand lingered on me as she waged an inner debate. Her other hand came up to my hair and she stroked it before pulling me closer to kiss me. Yet she didn't seem as though she had made a decision. Her hand on my collar bone traveled back down my arm and held my hand.

"It wouldn't be bad if it's a reminiscent fun thing, would it?" She asked, her voice very breathy.

"I think it might," I replied and took a step back, "and as much as I may want to let you be bad, I shouldn't. I'm not ready yet," I said nervously, crossing my arms over my chest and looking down at my feet. "I'm sorry," I whispered as a tear fell. I felt inadequate and incomplete. I wanted to just be able to forget everything and have sex with Sera but I just couldn't.

"No please don't be sorry. I'm just stupid and you're just so beautiful. You shouldn't be the one apologizing. I just missed the way your skin feels when it's all happy and warm. I just wanted to make you happy and warm again," she said and hugged me. She then grabbed a dress off the rack and handed it to me. "Wear this," she said and went to sit in my room while I got dressed. I quickly dressed and regrouped and followed her to the tavern.

When we got to the tavern, Blackwall started laughing and clapping as soon as he saw us. The Iron Bull looked up and smiled at me, and even Varric raised an ale. It instantly made me realize how much I missed my friends.

"I owe you a gold, I really didn't think you could get her down here. Although it took you long enough," Blackwall said to Sera when we sat down.

"We had a bit a girl time," Sera said.

"You had to have sex with her to get her down here? That's usually what you're doing when you say girl time," Blackwall asked incredulously. She just laughed.

"Seriously Blackwall, grow up," she said with as sophisticated an air as she could. I almost didn't recognize her for a moment.

"No sex, just some talking," I said with a grin as I sat down. 

"How are you holding up?" Blackwall asked me with a quieter, softer voice. I shrugged.

"I'm not sure that holding up what I'm doing. I'm still here, and I'm still going, that's about all I can do right now," I said with a smile.

"You know, I was thinking, maybe we should both take up our journaling and talking sessions. I think they really helped," he said and placed his hand over mine. 

"I ended up feeling really selfish about those. You only partook for my benefit right? I was the only one that got anything out of them," I said.

"No, they helped me too. They made me want to be the better man I had been trying to be for so many years," he claimed. I just gave him a doubtful look and then nodded.

"Okay, but not in the bushes in the chantry garden," I said with a wink.

"Damn, that was by far my favorite place for our sessions," he said and brought my hand to his lips to kiss.

"I enjoyed it as well, but I can't say it was very conducive to the purpose," I said in a whisper.

"Well, we can always have the sessions in the main hall, and post-sessions wherever we want," he suggested with a deeper voice than I'd heard from him in a long time. 

"Maybe we need a post-session tonight," I suggested and he nodded.

"Maybe, my lady," he said and leaned in to kiss me when Sera slammed the mugs down on the table.

"If I don't get to have sex with the shiny inquisitor than neither should Blackwall," Sera complained, obviously having seen the almost kiss.

"That's fair," I said.

Sera wasn't kidding when she said that. She spent the entire evening making sure Blackwall and I weren't alone for any extended period of time. She even made sure to walk him back to the barn. I thought it was probably for the best. 

I had a lot of fun spending the evening with my friends. As much as my work was a welcome distraction from my pain, they were a welcome distraction from my work. I needed constant distraction. I was so afraid to have a second alone with my thoughts that any distraction would do. A part of me wanted to cave and just let sex and booze be my primary distractions again, but I really hated myself when those were my methods of not coping.

That first night out I stayed after Sera and Blackwall left just because I wasn't ready to go back to my room to be alone with my thoughts. That's when I saw Alistair at the bar, and I made my way over to sit next to him.

"Copper for your thought?" I asked when I sat down. Alistair chuckled and nodded at me.

"Same thoughts as always. You?" He asked and ordered an ale for me.

"Same as always. What can I do next to avoid being alone with my thoughts?" I said and it made him laugh loudly. "Are you at least enjoying your time here with the inquisition?" I asked and he nodded.

"I actually feel oddly at home here. I rather enjoy the work of the commander, I almost feel like this is something I was meant to do. When they get back, I may go join the wardens and take charge as commander. They offered the position to Elissa, but I think they probably rescinded the invitation when she joined the inquisition," he said and I nodded.

"Or you could stay as an advisor," I suggested.

"I'm not sure that I could and have to see them here everyday. I don't think I could handle it," he said.

"It's amazing what you can do in the name of a higher purpose. I think it will be difficult, sure, but I think it will be doable. And eventually it will get easier. That's what I'm planning on anyway," I said with a smile. 

Alistair and I continued talking, never having more ale than the ones when I first sat down. It was rather pleasant having actual conversation with Alistair. He was a lot more charming than I originally observed. And he was funny, he made me laugh so hard. It felt good to laugh like that. 

"So I don't know about you, but I don't want to be alone tonight. Maybe we could do what we did that one night and just lay with each other," Alistair said after we left the tavern. I just nodded and took his hand and led the way to my room. I decided to slide off my dress and climbed into bed in my small clothes and Alistair did the same thing. I laid down with my back to him and he got close to spoon me and wrapped an arm around my waist. I decided that I did want more, and it was probably best that it wasn't with Blackwall. I rolled over to face him.

"I'm not tired," I whispered and gave him a small kiss to test the water. His arm around my waist just tightened it's grip and pulled me closer to him.

"Neither am I," he whispered back and kissed me a bit more deeply. I slid a leg up over his and brought my arms around his neck as we continued the kissing. I rolled over until I was on top of him leaning down to continue kissing. 

Alistair's hands ran up my back and stopped at the clasp of my breast band. He looked me in the eyes wondering if what he was doing was okay. I nodded to give him permission to continue. He unclasped the band and slid it off. I began grinding on his lap as he squeezed and fondled my breasts. I tilted my head back because it felt good to be touched again. I could feel his excitement growing as well. 

Just as i was beginning to find the tempo, Alistair moved his hands to my waist and rolled us back over so that he was on top and moved to sitting in his knees between my legs. He then hooked his index fingers in the waistband if my small clothes and pulled down. I lifted my behind off the bed to help with the removal. He pulled them off the rest of the way and tossed them aside. He then moved down even further until his mouth was on my achingly wet center. I felt like I could have come as soon as his mouth was on me and his fingers inside of me. It didn't require much work before I was coming. He made his way back up to me and had apparently removed his own small clothes as well while he was down there because as soon as his face was even with mine I felt him entering me. 

I felt like I was seeing stars with him inside of me. He was larger than I could recall Cullen being, which wasn't what I was expecting. He leaned down to kiss me while supporting his weight in his hands that were on either side of my head. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he thrust himself in and out of me. When my legs clasped around him it seemed to trigger something in him because he immediately began moving faster going harder and deeper somehow. There was only one other person that could make me scream as much as i did that night with Alistair and it was Blackwall. In fact it was Blackwall I thought of when i came again as Alistair continued bucking wildly against me. He finally came too and fell slack against me. I waited for him to calm himself and then pull himself out of me before I rolled over to the side and closed my eyes to fall asleep. My last thought before I drifted off was not of Cullen for once but rather, why did I think of Blackwall when I came? 

I woke up in the middle of the night when Alistair had decided to get dressed and leave. He glanced at me and gave me a smile when I propped myself up to watch him dress. 

"I didn't mean to wake you," he said and kissed the top of my head when he was completely dressed. I sat up letting the sheet pool at my waist and exposing my entire upper half, I noticed that he perked up when I did that.

"Sure you did," I said with a smile and tilted my head, "you know what's weird, I don't feel bad about what we did. If I had done that with anyone else I would be miserable but because it was you, I'm not," I said and he looked confused. He moved to sit next to me on the bed.

"I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or if I just got insulted," Alistair said with a nervous laugh.

"It's a good thing. I needed that, and I needed it to be with you for some weird reason. It felt right sleeping with you," I said.

"Yeah, I think I know what you mean. Some form of cosmic justice," he said and moved closer to me. "It was somewhat upsetting for me," he said and grabbed one of my hands.

"Oh I'm sorry. Was it that bad?" I asked, mildly insulted.

"Oh no! No, no, no, no. Quite the opposite. You were probably the best I've ever had. The control you have of your body movements, it does things to a man, of which I happen to be," he said and cleared his throat, obviously getting nervous.

"And that upset you?" I asked because I was quite confused.

"Yes. Because I loved Elissa, sex with other women just never could compare. I know she and I have gone long periods of time apart, but this time feels different. It feels like it's really over. She hasn't sent me a single personal message, it's all been official reports. I wasn't sure that I was capable of wanting to move on, but I think tonight proved me wrong. To have enjoyed myself so thoroughly, must mean I wanted to do so with someone that wasn't her," he tried explaining, and I understood his point.

"So it's upsetting because it means you're starting to fall out of love with Elissa?" I clarified and he nodded. He then bent his head down to be level with my chest and placed his mouth on one of my nipples and began sucking. I let out a gasp because I wasn't expecting it and it felt so good. He then moved to the next one as his hand crept beneath the sheet and pushed my legs apart. He then made his way up the apex of my legs and started dipping one finger in and out. He switched breasts again and then added a second finger. 

"I think I may have to stay a bit longer," he gasped as he pulled himself away to take off his clothes again. I nodded enthusiastically.

"Just hurry with the clothes," I said just wanting him to continue with what he had been doing. He was soon undressed and skipped the rest of the foreplay and moved himself between my legs and positioned himself to enter me. He leaned over me to kiss me as he entered me.

"Make, Alistair, you feel amazing," I moaned as I felt the tension building quickly. 

"I'm pretty sure andraste lives between your legs," he said and I couldn't help but laugh, it was just the worst line for bedroom talk. He laughed at it as well, but the tempo never slowed. He pulled out of me and just as I was going to object and flipped me over and instructed me to get on my hands and knees. He quickly moved behind me and slid back in. He pushed my legs together once he was inside me and that's when I was certain I saw fireworks. It was almost an instant orgasm and just to really intensify it he reached around the front of me with both hands, one went to my clit the other to my breasts. As I was screaming he came as well. We stayed connected as we rode out the waves.

"We'll definitely have to do that again," I said still trying to regulate my breathing.

"Maybe even a few times," he said as he stood up and got dressed all over again. I chuckled and nodded in agreement.

"I will see you tomorrow commander," I sighed as I snuggled down into my bed and he had finished dressing.

"See you tomorrow inquisitor," he said and kissed my forehead before he left.

Sex with Alistair became part of my coping routine. I would work myself as much as I could, and then I would meet up with friends at the bar a few nights each week, and every time I went to the bar I would end up bringing Alistair back to my room. My situation with Alistair was surprisingly simple. He and I had amazing sexual chemistry, but we lacked emotional chemistry. Therefore we were never in danger of getting too close. Outside of our sexcapades, we developed an easy friendship. We had similar senses of humor and I ended up becoming close with him in that aspect. He was someone I could talk to without fear of judgement or backlash. He also could confide in me. If we could have had that emotional connection we could have had a romance for the ages, instead we had a solid friendship that very few would ever even know about. I'm not sure if it was a healthy coping mechanism, but it got me through what should have been a very difficult time. 

During that time that Cullen was away with Elissa, I had started meeting back up with Blackwall. It was mostly just time for us to express our feelings and try to understand them so that we didn't worry about falling back into old habits. During our discussions I felt like I learned a lot about myself, as well as learning a lot about Blackwall. Before he always seemed so one dimensional, but over the course of a couple months, he sincerely opened up and expressed layers that brought him into a much different light for me. I always admired Blackwall and had a certain fondness for him, but during that time I felt like our spirits commingled and found a kindredship that helped me feel as though I was finally in a place that I belonged. Blackwall could honestly say he knew be better than anyone else by the end of that time. Cullen knew about my dark side, but he never wanted all the details, Blackwall wanted every detail I could bring myself to offer. He knew that I needed to get as much of it out as I could in order to keep it from continuing to weigh me down in the future. Those sessions with Blackwall were more than helpful, they were life saving. However, as much as Blackwall and I discussed I never did mention the Alistair situation. I honestly didn't even realize I was avoiding discussing my arrangement until I was talking to Alistair about Blackwall.

"So how was your therapy " Alistair asked as we were going over reports in Cullen's office.

"It was good, I left feeling really good about where I am," I answered.

"It's such an interesting situation. One of the men who have devoted their hearts to you, meets with you regularly to talk about your feelings and actions. What does he think about you and me? I mean with the whole bang bang situation," Alistair said and it made me laugh. That was the moment I realized I had never told Blackwall.

"Nothing. I haven't told him about our bang bang situation," I said.

"Huh," Alistair said looking up over the report he was supposed to be reading to give me a quizzical look.

"I don't think he'd understand," I said.

"I don't buy that. I think you're afraid of what he would think," he said and I thought about that. He was, of course, right. I didn't want to hurt Blackwall. It's why I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him because I was simply rebounding. I was using sex as a vice because it felt good. I knew I couldn't be emotionally vested in it, therefore I couldn't do that to Blackwall again. And it was because I cared about him. 

"Oh shit. Fucking shit," I said aloud when I made the connection. 

"What?" Alistair said sounding alarmed.

"I care for Blackwall. I have feelings for him. Like romantic feelings. Fuck," I said dreading what the realization meant.

"Why is that a bad thing?" He asked.

"Because it means I have to stop sleeping with you," I said.

"Oh shit, that sucks. Do we have time for a quickie before we end it?" He asked with a hopeful smile and I just laughed at him.

"Unfortunately, no. You shouldn't have made me think, you asshole. I really enjoyed having sex with you," I said with a wink.

"And I you. Let's talk about all the different ways we had sex so I can at least have a goodbye wank," he said and I laughed. 

"Remember that time in the jail cells when we thought it was empty, you chained up my hands and feet and was able to take me anyway you pleased. And then it turned out there was still a prisoner that i hadn't judged yet that heard all of it. You said you never came so hard before," I told him just to stoke the fire.

"Damn you woman. Either you have to leave right now, or you have to get naked and on this desk," he insisted as he stood up revealing he was indeed ready to go. I wanted so badly to get naked, but I knew that it would make me feel guilty if I did because of my feelings for Blackwall. Guilt was always the reason I turned to the worst possible solutions. I stood up and acted like I was going to take my clothes off by lifting my shirt up. Instead I just flashed him my nude breasts, and laughed loudly as I turned to leave.

"That should give you and your hand something to think about while I'm gone," I said before I opened the door and slipped out. I decided that I was going to go to my room to read, but instead I bumped into Dorian on my way. And we got to talking about everything. 

"So you and Alistair were friends with benefits?" He asked and I nodded, "I thought you hated Alistair?"

"That was when I thought he was a creep that drugged me in order to have sex with me. But he didn't. And we bonded over having our hearts crushed into a million pieces by the same situation. One thing led to another and we ended up having tons of comfort sex. Mind blowing comfort sex," I sighed.

"But you had to call off this mind blowing comfort sex because you just now realized you still had feelings for Blackwall?" He continued to clarify.

"That's about the sum of it," I said.

"Okay, I'm sorry, I love you, I think you're one of the most amazing, beautiful people that has ever existed, but I swear to the maker that you are a complete idiot sometimes," he said.

"Ouch," I said feigning an actual injury to my heart.

"I just mean of course you still had feelings for Blackwall. You were all set to start your first real relationship with him before he ran off to Val Royeaux. Then instead you hopped in the boat with Cullen. That ended as well as could have been expected. You weren't ready to be in that relationship with Cullen because you never really got over Blackwall. You and Cullen were always doomed to fail. I'll admit I could never have guessed it would have ended the way it did, but it was always going to be near the end," he said and I didn't respond because it still hurt to talk about Cullen, it hurt to hear my best friend say that the man I had fallen in love with was just a passing whim, but it also made sense and I hated that the most.

"I really hate you sometimes," I said and stood to leave.

"I know it's difficult to hear, but you know it's true," he said and I nodded.

"I know it's true, but it still hurts. I was so in love with Cullen. You could have told me all that before I got in that deep with him," I argued.

"I did tell you, but you didn't want to hear it then either. I didn't want to hurt you, but you've always been oblivious when it came to your feelings. Especially when those feelings are Blackwall," he said and stood up to hug me. "I love you more than anything and would never hurt you if I had any choice. But I don't want to see you make that mistake again. Give Blackwall a chance. At the very least you can get him out of your system so that you don't stumble into another doomed relationship due to unresolved feelings for him," Dorian whispered as he hugged me. "But no matter what you do I will always love you my dearest friend," he added.

"I get it, you're head over heals in love with me. I swear to the maker if another man confesses his undying love for me, I am hurling myself off of my balcony," I teased. "You know I love you too, no matter what. And you're right, of course you're right. As much as it hurts to hear, I think I needed to hear it. Goodbye lover," I said as I left and finally made my way to my room. By that point it was late, so I ended up just going to sleep. 

Life at skyhold carried on as normal for the next month. I worked hard, my sessions with Blackwall were bumped up to every other day instead of twice a week. I continued going to the tavern occasionally, but not as much after I ended my physical relationship with Alistair. I still spent a lot of time with him in Cullen's office during the day, but it was only ever playful humor in between work. 

Since I continued to do most of my work in Cullen's office with Alistair it actually helped continue improving the efficiency of operations at skyhold. In fact the entire war council began thinking it would be a good idea to set up a centralized office for all of us to work during the day and eliminate war room meetings all together. We never got too far with that idea because we couldn't get everyone to agree on the location. 

Life fell into a peaceful pattern. For once my routine comforted me. It was a sign that I was a different person that continued getting better everyday. I even realized that I was even a better person than I had been while I was with Cullen. I would never actually admit it to anyone other than Dorian and Blackwall, but my break up with Cullen probably only acted as a catalyst in my self improvement. I finally began feeling like a whole person just in time for Cullen's arrival. 

The day Cullen arrived was a nerve wracking day for me. I felt a million times better than I did the last time I saw him, but it had been five months since I had seen him. It was easy to say I was better in his absence; I was worried his presence would undo all of that. I spent most of the day running around skyhold ensuring all the preparations for the celebration of his return were in order. When I was certain everything was ready, I went around and double checked. Finally around midday Blackwall made me take a break.

"You're running around here like a lunatic. You're going to be fine, I promise. Come take a break and have lunch with me," he suggested holding up a basket that I assumed was holding the contents of a picnic. I smiled at him and took a deep breath.

"That sounds like a really wonderful idea," I said and linked arms with him. We made our way to a shaded area just outside of skyhold. 

"It's nice to get out of those walls, helps you see that it's not busy everywhere. I always find that taking a few steps into the wilderness can always calm my mind," Blackwall thought out loud.

"It is nice to get away," I said as I laid back on the picnic blanket he had brought along.

"Are you worried about seeing Cullen?" He asked.

"I'm anxious. I feel like I've done really well with moving on. Seeing Cullen is the true test. Seeing him, proving to myself I have moved on, it may help me to maybe take that next step. I have purposely avoided getting involved with anyone until I can be sure I'm over him. I want to make sure when I dive into my next relationship that there aren't any lingering feelings for him," I said being purposely vague.

"I can't say that I don't love hearing that," he said with a chuckle. We stayed there a while longer, lying in the blanket not saying much, but rather enjoying the calming effect of nature and being in each other's presence. Finally we had to go back because it was nearing times for Cullen to arrive. 

By the time the horns sounded to signal Cullen's approach, most of skyhold was waiting at the gates to welcome him. I was at the front of the crowd, Dorian stood next to me and held my hand. Eventually Sera made her way to me and held my other hand. She and I had gotten a lot closer as friends, and it felt good to have her at my side. Blackwall also came up to stand behind me and was constantly patting my shoulder. I think they all thought that I would crumble at the sight of Cullen and lose all my progress. I assured them I was fine, but they stayed anyway. 

I thought I was fine, that was, until I heard the clopping if the horse hooves. When Cullen finally came into view, I felt my heart stop for a moment and my lungs froze. I had almost forgotten what he looked like, but was suddenly reacquainted with his gorgeous, impossible to resist features. A moment behind him I saw Elissa with a young woman on a horse. Once I saw them I was finally able to breathe. I was also able to pay closer attention. Cullen looked unhappy and as though he'd aged 10 years since I last saw him. When his eyes finally met mine neither one of us could help but smile. His eyes has that effect if me. I shook everyone loose and made my way over to finally speak to the one I had been completely in love with five months ago. I approached him with confidence even though I started to wonder if my friends were correct in worrying I would crumble at any moment.


	9. And so the Show Goes On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just as the Inquisitor thought she had one issue tackled, another proves to be even more challenging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I continued writing this, I just stopped posting it. Oops. I'm still not sure if I'm happy with the direction it ended up going, but whatever here is a new chapter.

"Welcome back commander, and you as well, warden. And I am assuming this is your daughter?" I said to Cullen, Elissa, and the young lady with them. The girl shared a lot of resemblances with Cullen, she had his eyes, his mouth, and gorgeous curly blonde hair. Seeing that felt like tiny daggers in my heart. This girl represented everything I had lost. She was the physical embodiment of my heartache.

"It is. This is Elizabeth. Elizabeth this is the inquisitor," Cullen introduced. I nodded at her and smiled. Hiding my emotions from the general populace was easy, it was practically an occupation for most of my life. I made sure to also smile at Elissa. I was the inquisitor, and at the end of the day, no matter how much I despised her, none of what had happened was her fault. Additionally, the inquisition benefitted greatly from her support. 

"Well as soon as you leave your horses at the stable, I hope you are ready for feasts and celebration. Skyhold is celebrating the return of their beloved commander," I informed them with as much politeness as I could manage. I could feel Blackwall’s eyes on me, and I think it helped give me strength, he made me feel empowered. I could do this because of the people behind me, the ones supporting me through it all. 

"I should probably just go to my office to be briefed by Alistair," Cullen said and raked a hand through his curls. It used to always make me weak in the knees when he did that, and that time was no exception. I hated that my body still had a reaction to him. I tried to just chock it up to him just being an attractive man. He may have broken my heart, but I wasn't blind. 

"No, no work tonight. Alistair has been given the evening off and so have all of you," I insisted with a smile. 

"How about Elizabeth and I drop our things off in Cullen's office and the two of you can get the horses in the stable?" Elissa suggested. Cullen nodded.

"Actually we remodeled the tower adjacent to Cullen's office for the three of you. A loft underneath a hole in the roof is no place for a room, let alone a family" I informed her.

"Thank you so much inquisitor," Elissa said with a genuine smile. I nodded and grabbed one of the horse's reins, and Cullen did the same as we began walking them to the stables. 

"I missed you," Cullen sighed as soon as Elissa was out of earshot. I just let out a long sigh.

"Everyone in skyhold missed you, myself included," I said in a polite tone. Cullen just nodded. "Is everything okay? You look very worse for wear," I asked. He looked even worse once I was up close. He closed the door to the stable to give us some privacy. He then wrapped his arms around me as he sobbed. I reciprocated the hug and brought my arms around his shoulders. I was slightly caught off guard by his scent, I didn't realize how much i had missed his smell until I could actually smell it. I inhaled deeply and rested my head on his shoulder.

"I should have listened to you. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. What was I thinking wanting to get involved in a 13 year old's life. And marrying Elissa? What was I thinking?" Cullen said and began hyperventilating out of panic. I just kept an arm on his back and led him to a chair to sit down and calm down. 

"Cullen, just calm down. It's okay. Now that you're back at skyhold it will be easier to cope with being thrust into a family like this. You'll be fine," I said assuredly as I rubbed his back. He grabbed my arm that wasn't on his back and held it close to his chest. 

"I'm not going to be fine because I'm not with you," he sighed and kissed my arm. "Maybe we could still be together in private. No one would have to know," he pleaded. I can't say I didn't find that idea slightly appealing. I enjoyed being with Cullen. In spite of all the progress I'd made in healing the damage he caused, I couldn't deny the desire to go back to what we were. A relationship with Cullen was easy, it felt good, and didn't require a lot of effort. We were perfect fits for each other which resulted in a smooth relationship once we finally got going. I didn't, however, linger on the notion for more than a brief moment.

"No Cullen, I couldn't do that, and if you're being honest with yourself, neither could you. You're a married man now, you need to talk about these things with your wife. The two of you can work it out together," I said as I took a step away from him and crossed my arms over my chest. That's when Cullen decided to take a closer look at me. He eyed me up and down suspiciously as though he were making accusations with just a glance. It immediately made me mad. Any lingering sympathies for what we had vanished when he looked at me as though I betrayed him by being with another. I knew how his mind worked, and he thought I looked like I'd been having sex.

"You look really good, Nor, you look happy. Are you seeing anyone?" He asked, confirming exactly what I had determined he'd been thinking. I immediately bristled up.

"I am happy, Cullen, I'm finally happy again. And not that it's any of your business, but I did see someone for a little while and I may be seeing someone new very soon," I told him sharply.

"That's good, I'm glad to hear it," he said disingenuously and sighed. 

"Now if only you could say that and actually mean it," I said. I turned to leave but I still felt angry. "You know, you're the one that picked this path for us. You can't be mad at me for going down it. I wasn't just going to stop in my tracks and spend the rest of my life wallowing in my grief," I said.

"I know. But I did stop in my tracks to spend the rest of my life wallowing in grief," he said which instantly softened me again. It was my turn to let out a sigh as I started rubbing his back again.

"Don't. I don't want you to, and I'm sure your wife and daughter don't want you to either. You were madly in love with Elissa once before. Love like that never really disappears. Try to find it again," I said and squeezed his shoulder before I left.

"Can you at least tell me who you're going to be involved with?" He called behind me as I walked away. I felt really proud of myself, and really impressed with my strength. If someone would have told me a few months prior to that incident that I would handle it that well, I wouldn't have believed it. I had a large smile plastered across my face which prompted me simple response.

"Nope," I said without turning around. Blackwall was standing outside the stables waiting for me and I was still sporting my smile of pride. I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. "It worked, I passed the test," I said when his arms went around my waist. When I said that he proceeded to spin me around.

"I'm glad for you. I know it wasn't easy, but I'm glad you were able to pull yourself back together after he did what he did. Not many people have that strength," he said and set me on the ground. We both took a step back.

"I couldn't have done it without you," I said and kissed his cheek. "I have to go see how Alistair's doing, but find me at the party tonight," I said and darted off.

I first looked in Cullen's office, but I couldn't find Alistair there, so I made my way to his room. When I opened the door I found him packing up all of his things. He looked up at me and stopped what he was doing and moved to where I was standing and hugged me. I was really confused. By that point, we hadn't slept together in over a month.

"What's going on friend? You going somewhere?" I asked and he nodded. "Are you leaving just because they returned?" I added.

"No, not just because of that, but I can't lie, it definitely helped me decide. I can't stay here with them. It would be too difficult. And no matter what you say, or what you think, it's going to be hard for you too. So I have a proposition for you. It's an open ended invitation, so you don't have to decide today. I'm leaving for Denerim. Queen Anora has fallen gravely ill, and I am to be coronated as soon as she's passed," Alistair explained.

"Okay, but I didn't hear a proposition or an invitation," I replied making him smile.

"I'm getting there. I propose an alliance of sorts, or at least that's how we could view it. Come with me to Denerim, marry me and be queen of Ferelden. It would make the inquisition the most powerful force Thedas has ever seen. Come with me so you don't have to torture yourself here," he said taking both my hands, I smiled at him and chuckled.

"So your proposal is an _actual proposal_ ," I teased with a sideways grin, making him smile. "I'd love to be your queen, we could have all the amazing sex we'd want," I teased making him laugh.

"I sense a but coming," he said and I smiled.

"But, there is a beard here that I think I owe it to both him and myself to see where it goes. And this place would probably crumble to the ground without me. Thank you for worrying about me, and for trying to help. And you said open ended, so if I randomly show up, don't be surprised. That is unless you find a real queen, in which case I'll just have to be your affair on the side," I teased making him laugh.

"If I do find a queen she'd have to agree to the terms that I may one day have an affair on the side," he replied and kissed my hand. "I will miss you my friend," he said and picked up his pack to leave.

"I'll miss you too," I said once he was already out the door. "You should probably go see her before you leave," I said behind him, he turned around and just shook his head.

"I'd give anything to see her one last time, but it would just make it harder for her to move on. I love her too much to do that to her," he said and had a very broken look that made my heart break for him a bit. 

"Please write to me often," I called as he turned to leave. He just held up a hand in acknowledgement. I leaned against the door post for a while after he left. I really was going to miss Alistair. I would miss the constant smile I always had around him. 

I finally shook myself out of thought and went up to my room to change my clothes. I opted for a light dress as it was a fairly warm evening. I braided my hair in two braids and made my way down to the party. Normally, I didn't usually put too much work into how I looked, but I felt like that night could be a special night because it felt like the night Blackwall and I could finally happen. I didn't really anticipate there would be any trouble, but I still made sure to strap small daggers to both of my thighs. 

Once I was finally down amidst the festivities I looked for Blackwall, but before I got to far, Varric stopped me and begged me to tell a story of one of our dragon killing missions. Varric had been there for the first dragon we killed because we accidentally stumbled upon it near Crestwood. It was one of our favorite stories to tell together. Right after I finished the story with Varric, the Iron Bull grabbed me by the waist and pulled me into his lap as he sang a song in a language I couldn't understand. He was drunk and happy so I pretended to sing along while laughing. Once the song was over everyone cheered and I was back on the search for Blackwall. Sera brought a mug of ale over to me and I declined it as politely as I possibly could, suspecting it was another drugged drink. She just laughed hysterically when I declined and ran off to give it to someone else. Yep, definitely drugged. Cole seemed to be having an existential crisis as he tried to determine which activity he wanted to partake in, so I helped him decide to dance. And finally I saw Blackwall sitting just outside of the fringe of the celebrations. He was sitting on a tree stump next to a fire outside the barn. Seeing him sitting there, whittling away at something, brought a smile to my face. There was something so endearing about him, a rustic charm that I couldn't help but love. 

"Well are you going to go over there and talk to him, or just stand here and look at him?" Dorian asked, pulling me out of my reverie. I sighed and smiled at I turned away from Blackwall to face Dorian. 

"Maybe tomorrow," I said and took the wine he was holding out for me. "You know, your being attracted to only men thing is a bit of a problem for me," I began and he smiled.

"Oh really? How?" He asked. He loved to hear me compliment him, which I knew would distract from talking about Blackwall.

"Because you are truly the perfect man for me. You are wildly attractive, smart, funny, and all those wonderful qualities a perfect man would be with that one little bitty hitch. It would be so much easier for me if you were just not gay," I teased him and he laughed.

"Oh my dear, you always know how to cheer me up," he said and kissed my cheek.

"It's what I'm here for," I said and tilted my head to smile at him. "Thank you for the wine, my love," I added and took a sip.

"You should go talk to him," Dorian said when I glanced back at Blackwall. I shook my head.

"He's heading back to the barn, I missed my chance," I said.

"Just go talk to him," Dorian persisted.

"Fine," I said with a huff and made my way over to the barn. I found Blackwall inside working on another toy for the kids. "You weren't enjoying the festivities?" I asked when I entered and moved to stand next to him as he worked.

"It's not really my thing," he said. I glanced up and saw Cullen dancing with Elissa. For a moment I felt a slight twinge of pain, which worried me.

"It's not mine either," I sighed and turned away.

"I don't know, you looked like you were having fun," he said and I hit his shoulder.

"I told you to find me, not creepily watch me," I teased causing him to chuckle a bit. 

"Like I said, you looked like you were having fun and I didn't want to interfere because you don't have enough fun around here. You deserve to let loose," he said.

"Maybe I wanted to have fun and let loose with you," I said softly.

"I'm no fun," he said, and it worried me that he was being too difficult on himself.

"You're a lot of fun. Some of the most fun I've had was in this barn," I said suggestively and gave him a copy grin. I then added, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," he stated.

"You seem like something is wrong," I said.

"I read that the man I thought I saved in Val Royeaux was hanged last week. Another death on my hands," he said and slammed his knife into the table he was working at.

"That's not your fault, Blackwall. If anything it's mine. I should have made sure his pardon went through. I was just so focused on making sure we got you back. I'm so sorry Blackwall," I said and placed a hand in his forearm. He placed a hand on top of mine. He then moved that hand to the back of my neck and pulled me into a kiss. I reciprocated the kiss but then he stopped and rested his forehead against mine, his hand still on my neck.

"I want nothing more than to be with you again tonight to help ease this guilt, but it won't ease my guilt. And the next time I have you I want to be completely present. I just needed you to know how badly I want you," he whispered. I nodded and kissed him once more.

"Thank you for telling me. Just so you know, I want you too, but I also want you present. Do you want to go talk about it by the fire? I can go get us some ales," I suggested with a smile after I took a step back. He smiled back at me and nodded. 

Blackwall and I talked a lot that night. We started out talking about the man that died, and then we ended up talking about everything else. I even opened up to him about my family, which I had only slightly done with Dorian. I didn't like to talk about my life before the inquisition because I wasn't a good person. But it felt good to talk about it. By the time everyone else had left, we were still sitting there talking. We didn't realize how long we had been taking until the sun was starting to peek over the horizon.

"Wow, I had no idea we'd been talking so long," I laughed as the sun came up. He chuckled and we sat silently watching the sun come up. While we were doing that he reached over and held my hand, which made me smile. "I better go get a little bit of sleep before today starts. It's going to be such an insane day," I sighed as I stood up and stretched. Blackwall stood up and he didn't say anything, he just hugged me. 

"Thank you," he whispered in my ear.

"Anytime," I said and kissed his cheek before running off to my room. 

I only slept for an hour before people started knocking on my door. I was right, it was an insane day. It was Cullen's first day back, and Alistair had left in the night, so naturally there was a certain degree of madness that day. We had to sort through all the reports for Cullen to go through so he could be informed on the state of the forces. We had several war council meetings trying to debrief Cullen on all inquisition related matters while he was gone. Shortly after midday I could tell Cullen was overloaded and wasn't able to keep up, so I called it a day at that point and told him to take the rest of the day off. I suggested he ease back into the role.

"Leliana," I said at the end of our last meeting that day before she left.

"Yes inquisitor?" She said.

"I need a favor. Can you look through your reports for a hanging in Val Royeaux last week. It was a man that was supposed to be pardoned by the inquisition. I need to know why he was hung," I instructed and she nodded and went off to find the information. I decided to spend the rest of the day reading in my room. When I got up there, however, Blackwall was waiting for me.

"I have spent the better part of a year trying to get over you. I never could, so I resigned myself to bring there when you needed me. It's the only way I knew how to express my love," Blackwall began before I could say anything, talking with his back to me while he stood on my balcony. He then turned around as I approached him. "Up until now I think I did a pretty good job of being there when you needed me," he said.

"The best job," I agreed eagerly. 

"But my lady, I apologize, I must take a short break. There is something I need to do. I will never be able to make right what I did, but I need to do what I can to at least attempt to make amends. I can't tell you where I'm going because I need to do this on my own, but I swear to you that I am coming back," he said and I just stood there in shock. This couldn't be happening again. 

"This is the part where you say your joking and we skip forward to laughing about it, right?" I asked in disbelief. It couldn't be possible that Blackwall was leaving right when I was in the verge of suggesting a relationship again. 

"I wish I were joking, but I'm serious. Please understand that in order for me to be the man I need to be for you, I must do this," he said and I shook my head and took a few steps back.

"This is so fucking unbelievable," I said with an exasperated laugh. "I don't know what you want me to say? How glad I am that for the second time you are leaving at the exact moment I was ready to take that next step with you?" I nearly yelled.

"I am so deeply sorry to do this now, but you're not ready, Nor. Not that I expected anything, but you're not ready for anything more with anyone. Cullen just got back. You need to figure out how to live your life again now that he's back. And I need to figure out how to live my life at all. I have to try, and even though you won't want to believe me, I am doing this for you. You deserve a man that can love completely without fear and guilt getting in the way. This is the only way. If you don't wait for me, I will completely understand, and you will have my blessing. But I would almost go as far to pray to the maker that you wait," he said and moved towards me but I just moved further back.

"Get out," I told him with arms crossed. 

"Please don't do this," he begged and tried to get closer to me, but I just continued to move back. 

"Get out of here, Ranier," I said going for the low blow. He shook his head. 

"I'm not leaving until the morning, I hope to see you before that," he said and he hung his head and trudged out the door. I ran to the door and slammed it behind him. 

I waited a few minutes until I knew he was gone, and decided to walk around skyhold to clear my head. I knew deep down that what he said was right. I knew that whatever he was planning on doing, if it helped shed some of the weight from his conscience, then it would be better for a relationship together. But it was just so sudden and unexpected. I was finally ready to start something new, and he was running away again. In the middle of my thoughts I realized I was at Cullen's office. I opened the door and waited in the back of the room while he issued orders. The troops grumbled a bit and then dispersed. Cullen just sighed deeply and plopped down into his chair.

"I thought I told you to take the day off?" I said once the room was empty. He looked up and gave me a sideways grin.

"I'm clearly a rebel," he teased as I sat across from him, "you look troubled," he said and I nodded. The image of him dancing with Elissa the night before flashed in my mind. 

"So are you trying to work through things with Elissa?" I asked and he shrugged his shoulders. 

"I don't know. She wants me to try, you want me to try, I tried last night, but I just felt like I was betraying you," he said solemnly. I let out a heavy sigh.

"You're not betraying me, Cullen. Being a man sworn to a certain code of ethics, I honestly can't imagine how incredibly difficult a situation this must be for you. You felt a certain sense of obligation to me because we were in love. But having a child just happened to be the bigger obligation," I said as I began having an epiphany, "I thought it was hard for me, but it must have been impossible you. No matter what you would have decided you would have been miserable, because either way you were abandoning a moral you held deeply. If you picked me, you'd be willingly abandoning your child. And in choosing to be a part of her life you had to lose me," I said as I finally realized his dilemma. "I'm so sorry for making it so much harder on you," I said and moved around his desk to hug him. He pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around my waist and clung to me. This was not the same man I had been in love with. This was a broken fragmented version of that man. I sat there with my arms around his head and neck, his around my waist, for a long while. He cried and I held him. I would occasionally kiss the top if his head, but I felt like I needed that moment with him. In order for me to actually heal I had to understand the situation from his perspective. Eventually one of the doors opened.

"Inquisitor, I found what you were looking for," Leliana whispered. I looked up at her and nodded and signaled that I needed a moment longer. She nodded and closed the door. I pulled Cullen's face up to look at me and I have him a soft kiss.

"I don't blame you for anything Cullen. I know that you did the only thing you could do. The time we had together was all the time we needed. I know in my heart that we never wasted a second or took for granted any of the time we had. We loved as fully as we could. Now you get to know and love your family. Nothing would make me happier than seeing you happy with them," I said softly as he continued to cling to me and nodded, "Promise me that you will leave us in the past and really try to make it work with Elissa," I added.

"I promise," he said, and move a hand up to my neck to pull me down into a kiss. He then let out a long breath as I finally stood up. I gave him one final hug and then made my way to Leliana.

"Is he okay?" She asked me and I shrugged.

"He will be, I think. He just needed to be released from that sense of obligation to me," I said and she nodded and then handed me the report.

"He was pardoned. He was hung because he killed a man after he was pardoned," Leliana explained as I looked over the report. I let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank the maker. I mean it's terrible that he murdered someone but at least it wasn't Blackwall's fault," I said and folded up the report.

"So everyday I keep thinking it's the day you and Blackwall will finally be together," she said and I rolled my eyes.

"You and me both," I sighed. "Thank you for this Leliana," I added as I took off to find Blackwall. 

When I got to the barn I kept to the shadows so that he couldn't see me and I watched him shuffle around the barn gathering up his things. I enjoyed watching Blackwall when he thought no one was looking. He didn't have his guard up and moved about with excitement. He obviously believed that whatever he was about to set off to do was going to help ease his guilt. I knew he was probably going to be galavanting off to help people. Because he thought it would help I figured the family of those he murdered. I had only wished he didn't feel that need to prove to himself he mattered. When you have to try to prove something to yourself, you won't ever see it. As I was watching him, he suddenly straightened up.

"You can come out now," he said making me laugh.

"How'd you know I was here?" I asked stepping out if the shadows.

"I just got a whiff of your perfume," he said and I smiled and started picking around his work bench. "You still mad?" He asked and I shrugged my shoulders. 

"I rushed over here to tell you what I found out, but as I watched you, I realized it won't stop you from leaving. I just can't figure out who you're running off to help," I said, moving to his pack, picking through the contents. I happened to notice a picture of me scantily clad. "You draw this?" I asked finally looking up at him and holding up the drawing. He nodded as he looked me right in the eyes. I raised my eyebrows and nodded my head to signal my approval as I tucked it back in his pack. I handed him the folded report as I continued to poke around. "He was hung for a different murder he committed after he was pardoned," I said as he read.

"Well you were right, it doesn't change anything," he said and watched me as I moved around. 

"How long will you be gone?" I asked once I took a seat on an old log. He sat next to me and grabbed one of my hands.

"I don't know," he said. 

"I don't know how long I can wait around for you. I'm a weak willed person. You are what made me strong. I don't think I can do it without you," I said staring down at our joined hands and doing everything to fight back the tears.

"You are not weak. You've never been weak. The only woman I've ever loved would not be a weak woman," he stated. 

"Please don't go," I whispered. He leaned forward and hugged me close to him and kissed my forehead.

"I have to. I'm not just doing this for you, love, I'm doing it for me too. You have my word that I will be back as soon as I can," he said and kissed my forehead again. I tilted my head up and I captured his lips in what I intended to be a quick kiss, but it lingered and grew deeper and hungrier. I wrapped my arms around his neck and climbed up to face him while straddling his legs. His hand ran up and down my back as the kisses quickly became not enough. He brought his hands under my backside as he stood up holding me up. He walked to the barn door and slid it closed and then propped me up against it. He began sliding a hand up my shirt and under my breast band which caused him to groan. He then stopped moving and stood there with his hand on my breast. 

"What's wrong?" I asked breathlessly.

"I don't want you to regret doing this," he said and dropped his head and began pulling his hand out. I reached up to stop his hand and moved it back into places. 

"I would only regret not doing this," I said and took his earlobe in my mouth to suck on it. 

"What if I'm gone for a few months? You won't regret doing this now?" He asked and gave another squeeze causing me to moan. 

"Are you really trying to talk me out of this?" I gasped as he pinched my nipple. I pulled him in for a deep kiss and rolled my hips into his. 

"I won't talk you out of it if you can look me in the eyes and tell me you're in love with me," he said and I grew completely still as I stared him in the eyes. I sighed and slumped my head against his. "That's what I thought," he whispered in my ear.

"Hmmm, let me think if I love you, oh I think I do. Requiring me to tell you is silly," I said and stuck out my lower lip in a pout. 

"Okay, but the closest you could come is that you think you love me," he said with a chuckle and gave me a quick peck of a kiss before letting go of me and taking a step back. "I need to walk off this situation I seem to find myself in," he said and I looked down to see he had gotten quite hard, and I just laughed.

"You know, I know a few tricks to help with that situation," I teased and pressed myself against him. 

"I know you do. The only trick I want you to use is the one where you say you're in love with me," he said. I was getting frustrated so I pulled my shirt and breast band off before he could argue.

"Maybe these could convince you," I said trying to stick my chest out even farther, he just laughed and absentmindedly reached up to caress my nude area. Then he dipped down to take a nipple in his mouth which made me moan even louder. I started to reach for his pants but he stopped me. 

"All you have to do is say it," he whispered in my ear which sent shivers all over my body. "You know that you are, so just say it so we could get to the fun stuff," he said also getting frustrated. I ran my hands through his beard and pushed his mouth back to my nipples and he continued what he had started. 

"What was it you wanted me to say again?" I teased as I strutted around the barn. He just chased me and grabbed me around the waist and kissed me hard on the mouth as one of his hands slipped into the back of my trousers and grabbed a handful of my rear and squeezed.

"I missed that ass. Just tell me that you're in love with me, damn it," he sighed as he continued to squeeze. 

"So if I didn't say it, you'd let me just get dressed and walk out of here and be away from all of this for a few months?" I teased as I used his other hand to rub up and down my exposed skin. He gulped hard and nodded. I decided to go ahead and let him suffer. It was his punishment for leaving me. I pulled all my clothes back on and started to walk away.

"Why can't you say it?" He pled.

"Because I'm not going to tell you right before you leave for maker knows how long. If I feel that way when you get back, I'll tell you then," I said and walked away. 

Even if Blackwall would have acquiesced my urge, at that point I no longer wanted it. I was mad because people kept leaving. I wanted to run away to Denerim and take Alistair up on his proposal. I was tired of having actual feelings for people. At least with Alistair things were light and fun. I was beginning to think that a physical relationship without romantic feelings was the best kind there was and I just squandered what I had. I knew deep down that it wouldn't work. Since I'd grown so much emotionally I would never be able to settle for not having deep real feelings. Eventually even amazing sex would get boring, and Alistair and I wouldn't have anything left after that. I decided to go to my room and shut the world out for as long as I could get away with.

I could only get away with two days. I didn't even come down when Blackwall left, I just watched his departure from my balcony. He knew I was there because he looked up at me and waved. I waved back even though he couldn't see me. I spent that day going through reports that had piled up on my desk; I signed the reports that needed to be signed and I organized the old ones. I went around organizing everything in my room that day. The next day I only spent a half day in my room before Leliana, Josephine, and Cullen all came to my room.

"Why are all three of you here? Has my request for a war council orgy finally been approved?" I teased. Cullen snickered, Josephine giggled and Leliana just kept a stern look on her face. I had opened the door in a camisole that was very light and didn't leave much to the imagination, and a small pair of shorts, as I have gotten out of my pajamas yet that day.

"No we're here to drag the inquisitor into a meeting, kicking and screaming if we must. You can't just stay here forever," Leliana lectured.

"I'm the inquisitor, I can do whatever I want," I said stubbornly, but I went to get dressed anyway. All three of them came into my room with me.

"How are you doing?" Cullen asked softly as I was heading to my dressing room. I almost thought he was going to come in with me for a moment.

"I'm fine. I'm just beyond horny at this point," I said with a frustrated sigh.

"Horniness is not a good enough excuse to continue missing meetings," Leliana chimed in. I turned so that I could keep my back to Cullen as I took of the camisole over my head and grabbed a dress out of dressing room.

"I'm aware of that. I just thought if I stay in here then at least I won't have to know when people continue to leave me," I said and pulled the dress over my head. "Can you zip me?" I asked Cullen who was still standing by me. He nodded and took a deep gulp. As he zipped he brushed his palm over the skin of my back, I wasn't sure if it was accidental or intentional.

"Is it warm in here to anyone else?" He asked and cleared his throat.

"Let's get out of here before Cullen and I ravish each other," I said and led the way out the door. I heard Josephine giggling again behind me. I loved Josephine because she always laughed at my jokes, unless we were in front if rich people, then she reprimanded me in front of the rich people and laugh with me later.

"That's nothing to joke about inquisitor," Leliana chided.

"You must need to get laid too," I replied and that got all three of them to laugh. 

I led the way to the war room, and I plopped down uninterested in whatever they were going to discuss. I wasn't sad, exactly, I felt listless. I hated wondering where Blackwall was, or what he was doing. I hated having to just wait around. There were no more dragons to kill, all of our outposts had been running smoothly, there weren't any reports of darkspawn activity, there wasn't even any red lyrium left to contain. The year following the battle with Corypheus proved to be quite productive. So productive I didn't have anything I could run away to deal with. 

"How are you holding up?" Josephine asked me instead of staying with the meeting agenda.

"I'm fine. I just had a lot of paperwork to do at my desk in my room. That's all. I'm fine," I said not trying to hide the frustration in my voice. 

"You were up there for almost two days. You leave your meals untouched, it doesn't sound fine," Cullen speculated.

"And what exactly would you know about fine?" I lashed out. He just shook his head and turned his gaze down toward the table, "I'm sorry, Cullen, that wasn't fair of me. I'm just sick of this. I just don't understand what we're still doing here. We did what we set out to do. When do I get to go back to my old life? When do I get to never see this place again? Everyone leaves and I just stay here. I'm done with all of this," I said, letting the frustration out.

"The inquisition has to rebuild the world that was torn apart. It's going to take a lot of time to do that," Leliana said, taking as though she were talking to a child, "And the inquisition needs an inquisitor. We get that you're upset about Blackwall, but that's no excuse for taking it out on us. We're here to help you Lenora, we're your friends."

"You're not my friends, you're my captors. I never once got to decide on any of this. I was at the wrong place at the wrong time and have been a prisoner ever since," I said slouching back into my chair. 

"That's not fair," Cullen argued, I knew my comment hurt him, considering what we had.

"Isn't it? Sure you all presented it like I had a choice, but you were never going to let me leave, not with this damn anchor," I said and held up my hand. "And then the only person that actually took the time to care about me, or so I thought, just leaves for an undetermined amount of time. It's bullshit. He's bullshit. I can't be here, I have to go," I said and began to stand up when Leliana threw a dagger that whizzed right by my head.

"That is enough. Yes you had to stay with the inquisition, but that was no more our doing than the sun rising every morning. Fate brought you here, Lenora, and you stayed because you understood the fate of the world rested on your shoulders. Was that unfair? Probably, but it's not our doing. We did what we had to. Blackwall left, we can't control that either, but you are completely wrong when you say he's the only one that cares. Cullen cares more for you than I knew a person was capable of caring. He loved you with every fiber of his being. He's a disaster because he has nothing left without you. Can't you see the pain he's in? And there isn't anything anyone at skyhold wouldn't do to protect you. You are one of the most loved people in Thedas, now stop being such a selfish brat and go back to being the woman we all love," Leliana said and I was so stunned I couldn't speak. I glanced over at Cullen and saw he was in the verge of falling apart. I reached over and placed a hand in his forearm.

"I'm so sorry, Cullen, I didn't think. I shouldn't have said any of that. You know that I loved you too," I said as I squeezed his arm and then hugged him. He held on tightly when I hugged him. I then redirected my attention to Leliana and Josephine, "I'm sorry to both of you as well. You're right Leliana. It's just he was the one that pulled me from the brink and showed me so much more of myself, and then he just left. I don't understand why," I said and slammed my head on the table. 

"Do you really not understand why? Or are you just saying that so that you can throw a pity party. He has demons that he needs to be rid of. He's gone to do that. He assured everyone he'd be back," Leliana said.

"I just don't like not knowing. I don't like that I finally felt like we could be together only to be told to wait for who knows how long. It doesn't feel fair. I just want a happy ending, don't I deserve that much? Or is it only to be heartbreak and disappointment the rest of my life?" I asked. 

"You are a strong woman, damn it, now start acting like it. You have grown more than I knew a person could these past years. I firmly believed that people don't really change, but you really did, Nora, so please pull yourself out of this pity spiral," Leliana said and for some reason that was the thing that struck a chord with me, "and if getting laid is all you need, just go see Alistair. From what I hear it always sounded like he was able to satisfy," she added and that made me laugh and nod my head.

"Alistair?!" Cullen asked completely shocked and I nodded my head again.

"Alistair," I sighed and then shook my head. "I can't. He asked me to marry him, I think going to Denerim just to get laid could send mixed signals," I said with a smile.

"Marry him? As in become queen of Ferelden? And you didn't think to mention that to anyone?" Josephine shrieked.

"I thought Leliana had ears everywhere. I don't usually have to tell you people anything, you just seem to know somehow," I said and shrugged my shoulders.

"Alistair knows how to avoid me when he wants to," Leliana said with a smirk. "I had a feeling he'd ask you. He liked you a lot, as a person and a friend. You would have made good companions for each other," she added with a sigh. 

"Unfortunately, I want more than good companions out of life. And I found someone new to feel that way about. So I guess for now I will wait. I think he did this on purpose, planned it just to make me insane," I sighed and shook my head. "Thank you all for pulling me out of my room and out of my head. That's one place I shouldn't be stuck for too long. So whatever, thanks," I said with a sheepish smile.

"That's what friends are for," Josephine replied and reached across the table to squeeze my hand.

Slowly but surely the daily routines of skyhold began returning to normal. While having Alistair as commander was fun, it felt right having Cullen back. During the time of readjusting I didn't have an issue with being around Cullen so much and so often. But that's only because there was so much to do that there really wasn't time to pay attention to personal matters like that. Once life began to return to a steady rhythm did I start to notice the difficulties. 

Cullen did start trying to make things work with Elissa. And then it seemed as though things actually started to work between the two of them. That didn't bother me until I walked into his office without knocking and she was sitting on his desk kissing him. I immediately flashed back to the horrible day that the truth came out and it felt like I was back in that moment. All the pain and feelings of betrayal came flooding back. I kept it together long enough to apologize for intruding and deliver the report I brought for him to approve. I then raced out of the room and the tears came as soon as I shut the door. I had to brace myself against the door because I felt overcome with the sudden onslaught of emotions. I sank to the ground and sat there for a few moments pulling myself together. 

I noticed that anytime I happened to catch little intimate moments between them I'd feel all that pain each time. I was happy for him that things were working out between them, but I was also forced to finally let myself hurt for what I had lost. I really had loved Cullen, and I never took the time to let myself feel it. I worked through the emotions, but I never felt them. It took me about a month for the pain to finally subside.

By the time I had finally felt truly happy for Cullen and Elissa, Blackwall had been gone two and a half months. I hadn't written to him and he hadn't written to me, so the day I was able to watch an embrace between Cullen and Elissa without the slightest twinge of pain, I decided to write him.

_'To Blackwall,_

'I'm not sure where you are, or even if this letter will find you. I should have told you before you left, and I'm so sorry that I didn't. I'm in love with you. Madly and completely in love. I miss you every day. Everyday I wake up hoping you will return that day, and every day you don't is harder than the last. But I will continue to wait. 

'I must also confess that you were right, I wasn't finished healing. There were still open wounds when it came to Cullen and they were wounds that couldn't heal until he returned. But I finally believe they too have healed. 

'I hope this letter finds you a healed man, and it convinces you to come back to me.

'Forever yours.' 

I rolled the letter up and made my way to Leliana. She was issuing orders to her spies and they all took off once she was finished. She didn't say anything and just held her hand out.

"What?" I asked.

"You've come to see if I know where Blackwall is and to send that to him, correct?" She asked and I was honestly stunned.

"Okay, I knew you were good, but nobody's that good. How did you know?" I asked in shock.

"You have never once come to see me with rolled up parchment in your hand. You have never sent a personal letter as far as I know. I'm guessing you came to see me because you don't know where the recipient of that letter is. That could only be Blackwall or Solas, and you know that Solas is nowhere to be found, not that I'd imagine you would write to him anyway," she explained and I was thoroughly impressed. I just nodded and handed her the letter.

"So do you? Know where he is?" I asked and she shook her head.

"Last I heard he was on a large estate near Val Royeaux. I will try to get this to him, but he's very good at hiding and just as I find him he's already left. But I promise you I will do my best," she said and squeezed my shoulder. I just nodded and left. I didn't feel particularly reassured. He didn't want to be found, not even by me. Which I understood, but all the understanding didn't make it hurt less. 

I thought the hardest part of Blackwall's absence would be remaining celibate, but I found it wasn't hard at all. Blackwall was there only person I wanted, which made everyone else seem completely unattractive. I wasn't tempted even slightly which I found peculiar for me. It turns out I had had more than enough sex, I wasn't interested in more sex, I was interested in love, and there was only one person I wanted to love. I hated to admit it, but having Blackwall gone was actually good for me. If he had been there, anytime I would have felt that pain of seeing Cullen and Elissa together, I'm certain I would have just run to Blackwall to help ease the pain. But because he wasn't there, I was able to process the pain and handle it on my own. At some point it clicked in my head that his leaving was best for both of us, we would both finally be in a good place to be together in the forever kind of way.

I wanted so badly to go search for him every place he'd been to look for clues. I never did because he needed to do this on his own. I respected his wishes even though it was agonizing. Then the day finally came.


	10. Give up the Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blackwall returns, but it's not exactly how Lenora expected, and she struggles with how to deal with that.

One day as I was sitting in the library with Dorian, an errand boy came running up to us as fast as he could. I had no idea what was going on and had to wait for him to catch his breath before he informed me Blackwall was approaching skyhold. I dropped the book I was reading and took off running as fast as I could. When the people manning the gates saw me coming they immediately began opening them so that I didn't have to wait. I ran all the way to Blackwall, but the closer I got I didn't recognize the man on the horse. I continued running anyway and then realized it was Blackwall but he'd shaved his beard. When I was within a short distance he jumped off his horse and ran towards me to close the distance between us. He grabbed my waist as I grabbed his neck and he spun me around. I planted kisses all over his face until he finally set me down. That was when I got a chance to really look at him. 

"You look 10 years younger. I didn't even recognize you from a distance," I said and ran my hands over the stubble on his face where his beard used to be.

"Is that a good thing?" He asked with a grin and I just tilted my head to the side and shrugged. 

"It's a new thing, a new man. I'm not sure if it's good or bad yet," I said with a slightly teasing grin.

"Oh I plan on showing you some bad, you can plan on that," he said scooping me up in his arms again and spinning me around once more.

"I missed you so much," I whispered once he stopped spinning and just held me, but something in his demeanor changed when I said that. 

"I bet you didn't even notice I had gone," he teased with a chuckle trying to keep the conversation light. He apparently didn't want to get into the deep stuff yet. 

"You caught me. What was your name again?" I joked and lightly punched his arm, going along with the teasing light stuff. 

"Well I should probably get my stuff and everything back to skyhold," he awkwardly pointed out, and for some reason that made my heart hurt. It struck me that there was something very different about Blackwall and it wasn't just the beard. It was as though I was looking at a stranger. I simply nodded at him, not revealing my sudden discomfort.

"Yeah, you're right. You go ahead and I'll meet you there," I said with a fake smile.

"You can ride with me," he suggested and I just shook my head.

"It's fine, you go on," I said as I felt myself crumbling and I didn't want him to see it. I happened to notice Cullen standing at the gates. Blackwall just nodded and hopped back on his horse and made his way the rest of the way. I turned away, my back facing skyhold as I let myself finally fall to pieces. Tears were instantly streaming down my face. I had to lean against the side of the bridge as I found it hard to breathe. I could feel my heart shattering into a million pieces. Once I knew Blackwall was out of sight I sunk to the ground pulling my knees to my chest as I just let it all out. I heard Cullen running towards me and felt his arms around my shoulders. 

"What happened?" He asked and I shook my head.

"That's not the same man that left. I don't know who he is. My Blackwall is gone," I sobbed. Cullen just continued to hold me. 

"I kind of understand that feeling. When I returned to skyhold with Elissa and Elizabeth, when I saw you, you were a new person. You weren't the woman I loved, you were better. You were new and better. It hurt when I first saw you, but I loved you even more when I realized all the ways you changed. Don't count him out yet," Cullen said, but it didn't help. I continued to weep in the middle of the bridge. 

"What if new Blackwall doesn't want same old me?" I cried.

"Then he'd be completely mental. Same old you? Lenora you are the most incredible woman to have ever walked these lands. Any man that doesn't want you doesn't want a woman at all," he said and gave me a light kiss. I looked him in his eyes as I smiled and hugged him. 

"Thank you for saying that. It means alot coming from you. You're wrong, but I appreciate you saying it," I said. 

"I'm not wrong," he said and helped me to my feet. I took a few moments to gather my composure and by the time we walked through the gates no one could tell I had just had a breakdown. 

"Do you think your wife would mind if I stole you away for lunch?" I asked Cullen with an easy smile. 

"I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all," he said.

Before we could get much further with our lunch plans Josephine came to fetch me because we had just received several dignitaries I was required to meet. I groaned and apologized to Cullen. I then drudged along to the dignitaries that awaited me.

I spent the rest of that afternoon meeting with old rich people. This was the part of the job I never could bring myself to like in any capacity. But I had long ago accepted the importance of kissing ass. So I kissed as much ass as I could get my lips on. Once I was finished with that, I spent the rest of the day in my room and informed the guards I wasn't taking any visitors. I was afraid of seeing Blackwall again. Seeing him without his beard was shocking. He really did look much younger, in fact he didn't look much older than me when I knew in fact he was a decade older than me. But it was more than just the beard, his entire presence seemed different. I wasn't sure if I had the emotional strength to let go of my Blackwall and get to know this new one all over again. I ended up just going to sleep really early. Unfortunately that meant waking up early. 

When I woke up the next morning, it was still dark outside but just barely. I went out to my balcony and watched the sun rise and I couldn't help but think of one if the last times I saw Blackwall before he left. I then glanced down at the barn and saw him watching the sun rise. I wondered if he was thinking about the time we watched the sunrise together because he then glanced up at me and waved. I just gave a short wave that I wasn't even sure he could see and then ran back into my room and back into my bed. Dorian had left a potion in my room a long time ago to help me sleep. I was only supposed to take a few drops to help me sleep. That morning I took a long swig of it and slept most of the day away. I wouldn't have to deal with anything if I wasn't conscious. When I woke up Dorian was sitting on my bed. 

"How'd you get in here? I told them no visitors," I said groggily as the pounding of my headache steadily grew worse.

"Well I practically live here, I'm no visitor, they know that," he said.

"Can you make this headache go away?" I asked and he nodded and took care of it.

"What happened?" He asked and I just shook my head and laid back down.

"Nothing happened," I said.

"Something had to have happened. Otherwise I wouldn't have found you unconscious from a sleeping potion," he said sounding equal parts concerned and mad. I knew taking that much sleeping potion was dangerous, but I needed to not feel. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. I just shook my head again.

"Absolutely nothing happened. That's the problem. I don't know who that man is anymore," I cried. Dorian just hugged me before speaking.

"You can never take that much again, it could have killed you, Lenora. As far as Blackwall, you just have to get used to having him around again is all," Dorian said.

"I'm sorry, it's just out of all the different ways I imagined his return, this wasn't one of them. He's a completely different person. I don't know that I have it in me to get to know him all over again," I sighed as I got up to get dressed. I pulled out a short dress that I knew looked amazing on me. It made my legs look twice as long.

"I'm sure that you do. How different could a person really be in four months?" He asked.

"How different was I the four months Cullen was gone? It's enough time to change a person and change their heart," I said and then pulled on my boots.

"Where are we going?" He asked.

"The tavern, I'm done moping," I said and pulled a smile across my face. He smiled back at me, even though I could see the pity in his eyes, he nodded his head. 

"I have to run to the library first, but I'll meet you there," he said and I nodded. He went to the library and I meant to go to the tavern but ended up at Cullen's office. I waited until it was just us in there and then locked all the doors. He just looked at me confused.

"Do you remember when you said we could have a relationship on the side that only we would know about? Were you still interested in that?" I asked and he just stared at me with his mouth hanging open. So I took his silence as approval and sat on his desk in front of him facing him and spread my legs apart. I grabbed his hands and placed them on my knees and moved them up my thighs and bent down to kiss him. He instinctively squeezed my thighs and kissed me back. "Remember how good we were together," I whispered, and he pulled his hands away.

"Of course I remember, but you don't actually want this," he said and stood up to hug me. "I can't do this, Nor, I'm married. It's not right," he added. I shook loose from him and just stormed out of his office without a word and finally made my way to the tavern. 

I sat at the bar and ordered an ale, but I didn't drink it. I sat there watching everyone unwind and let loose. I smiled at some people having a bit too much fun. I finally couldn't stand it anymore and stomped over to the barn. 

"How very un-assassin of you. I could hear you coming from a mile away," Blackwall said as I approached.

"Yeah, that was kind of the point. You never wrote me," I instantly accused.

"And what would you have had me write? It's a lovely day here? Caught a fish today? Did you want daily updates?" He asked sarcastically and I slapped him hard on the face. I then pulled the letter I had written him out of my pocket. Leliana never was able to deliver it and I held onto it everyday. I threw it at him.

"I tried to write you, but no one knew where you were while you were there. I waited for you, and you couldn't even so much as write me a letter telling me you were okay," I said. He stood there a few moments reading the letter, and then let out a deep sigh.

"I'm sorry I didn't write you. I honestly believed you were done with me. I left you a second time and I didn't think you wanted anything to do with me. But I'm not sorry I was gone so long. I needed to do that for myself. I needed to find a way to forgive myself. It was quite difficult, but I finally did," he said and sat down on the steps leading up to the loft. I shook my head not knowing what to say. 

"How could you think I was done with you when you knew I loved you?" I asked.

"Because you're the most stubborn woman in the world sometimes. I snubbed you for the second time, I didn't think you'd forgive me again," he said and it hurt when he said that. A tear betrayed me and escaped down my cheek, but I turned around before he could see it. I stood there shaking my head for a moment.

"And here I thought you knew me better than anyone," I sighed feeling very stupid and naive. "Maybe I just wanted to believe you did. I should have just gone to Denerim. I can't believe I stayed here all this time waiting for you," I said and began walking away.

"What's in Denerim?" He asked.

"King Alistair proposed to me before he left skyhold," I said, and finally turned around to face him. I knew what his next question would be, and I thought my answer could hurt him. I wanted to look him in the eyes when it did.

"Why did he propose?" He asked.

"Because shortly upon our return to skyhold after the dragon hunting expedition, Alistair and I had a month long affair," I said, making sure each word was clear and concise. There was a brief glimpse of something that crossed his face but I couldn't tell what, and it was gone as soon as it appeared. 

"Oh, I didn't know that," he said, sounding unaffected. I was about to turn around and leave but then I had to ask.

"I don't understand why you came back then? If you thought I was too flippant to bother waiting for you, what brought you back?" I asked.

"I suppose I felt I still had an obligation to fulfill with the inquisition. And perhaps part of me had hoped you had waited," he sighed, standing up and trying to move closer to me, but I took a step back. That's when I saw the pain cross his face. I held my hand up indicating for him to keep his distance. He shook his head. "Honestly, I don't know. It feels like this is where I belong."

"You've been back for two days and you didn't bother coming to see me? You didn't think to check if I had waited? It's very confusing, and it doesn't make any sense," I said, struggling to keep me emotions in check. 

"I was ashamed, my lady. When I saw you running to meet me I knew right then you had waited and what a fool I had been to think otherwise. I didn't come to see you because there is no excuse for my ineptitude. I should have sent you a letter every day. You were the only thing I thought about on those long nights alone," he said taking a few steps towards me and I didn't move. He then dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around my legs and buried his face in my lower abdomen, "if I could change anything, it would be my complete lack of communication. I should never have left without you. I slayed the demons I've had in my back longer than I can remember, but only to regret leaving without you. I beg you to forgive me. I will never leave your side again and spend the rest of my life earning your forgiveness," he said and absentmindedly ran a hand up and down the exposed areas of my legs. He was still on his knees so I just got down on my knees and moved both hands up to both sides of his face and stared at him.

"You're so different," I whispered and suddenly his mouth was connected with mine. That didn't feel different. Kissing him felt natural. My mouth betrayed me and returned his kisses. I pulled back to look at him. I kept running my hands over his jaw and chin where his beard used to be. I then covered the whole bottom part of his face until I could only see his eyes. "You are still in there," I whispered with a smile. I stood up to my feet and pulled him to his and hugged him. "I'm still mad at you," I added and he chuckled.

"Aye, I'd be worried if you weren't," he said with a grin.

"Let's go to the tavern and catch up," I suggested and he nodded. 

Once in the tavern we took a table in the back and we didn't say much at first and the air felt awkward around us. He then began talking about what he had been doing in his travels. The places he's gone to and the people he had met made it sound like he was gone years instead of months. In order to earn their forgiveness some people required money, some required a lot of hard work, and some people didn't require anything. 

"There was this woman, she was the Lord's cousin that employed her while he was alive. She fell onto hard times after his death. I showed up and explained what I was doing and she reached out, grabbed my hands, and told me that I was forgiven. That woman was the only truly good person I experienced and she reminded me of you. That night was the hardest night because I missed you the most that night," he said, telling me about the kind woman that didn't need anything to forgive him, "Honestly, that woman helped me mend the most. To freely give the forgiveness I so desperately sought, that was what I needed from the whole ordeal. But enough of my journeys, tell me what happened while I was away," he said and I shrugged my shoulders.

"The same things that always happen at skyhold. Although, I must confess, you were right about Cullen. I wasn't completely healed, I did have to learn how to live my life with him around. It was harder than I expected, but perhaps you were right, perhaps I am strong," I said with a smile.

"And you didn't meet anyone new that caught your fancy that entire time?" He asked, leaving me quite offended.

"As hard as it must be to believe, no. I kept my legs shut the entire time," I said and the whole atmosphere changed. I quickly finished the ale in my mug and stood up.

"I'm sorry, that's not what I meant," he apologized.

"Oh really? Then what did you mean? " I asked, still standing.

"I just wondered if there was no one that caught your eye," he said, which sounded exactly like what he said before.

"No Blackwall, because none of them were you. That was a really shitty thing to ask," I said and began leaving. I heard him scramble to his feet to follow behind me.

"I'm sorry," he called behind me once we were both outside, "It's just all that time spent alone thinking about you, I couldn't help but wonder. It was only my stupid jealousy and pride that led me to asking. Nor, please stop," he continued to call after me.

"You're right, it was stupid," I said as I spun on my heel to face him. It was so sudden he almost ran into me.

"Did you think about me at all while I was away?" He asked moving even closer to me.

"Every day," I said.

"What about at night? Did you think of me then?" He asked with a deep lustful voice which caused a stirring deep within me. I nodded slowly and closed my eyes as I breathed in his scent I had missed so much. I felt like I was about to faint. "There were some nights that I thought about you again, and again," he said and brought an arm around my waist to pull me even closer. I sighed deeply.

"Me too," I barely whispered.

"Come back to the barn with me?" He asked, and then kissed me. I pulled my arms around his neck and kissed him back when I heard someone whistle at us and I immediately stepped back. I was breathing heavily, and nodded at whoever had been walking by in an effort to act normal and like nothing had happened. I then stared at the ground. I desperately wanted to go back to the barn with him, but I wasn't sure if that was the best idea since he'd only just returned.

"I don't know. I feel like you're different and new, and maybe I need to get to know you all over again before anything should happen," I said and he laughed and pulled me close again.

"Trust me, I'm not different. I'm still the depraved old man I was before I left," he said and began pulling me towards the barn with him. I wanted so badly to go with him, because all I wanted to do was drown the sorrow I had been feeling with the warmth of sharing a bed with him, but I knew I couldn’t. I knew all that would do would be to fling me into a situation I’m wasn’t prepared for, and there would be underlying resentment the entire time we were together. 

“I can’t,” I whispered and pulled away from him. I crossed my arms and started pacing in front of him. “I’m not ready, Blackwall. You just got back, and I’ve been so lost. I’ve been trying not to feel hurt by what you did, but I was hurt. I didn’t let myself deal with what it meant to me when you left. If I do this now, I will regret it. I don’t ever want to regret anything with you,” I said as I paced. He grabbed me by the shoulders to stop me and make me look at him. 

“That’s fine, love. Don’t worry,” he chuckled, and pulled my arms to my side so that he could hold my hand. “You’re absolutely right, it would be a mistake to do this now. I’ve been gone longer than I should have been, and the entire time I was away, I knew I should have offered to let you come with me. I suppose I need to work through the guilt I still have there. The last time we saw each other, it was what you wanted, and I only ever want to give you what you want. Perhaps we should pick up our sessions again. It sounds like we could both benefit from them,” he suggested and I just smiled and nodded. 

“Want to join Dorian and I for a drink? He’s been waiting for me in there,” I said nodding back at the tavern and he gave my hand a squeeze and gave me a smile. 

“Not tonight,” He said and let go of my hand before heading towards the barn. 

I made my way back to the tavern and found Dorian in the middle of a story with the Iron Bull, I smiled at him and caught his eye to give him a wave. I suddenly didn’t feel like having fun, and I didn’t want to be a downer to everyone else. Dorian paused his story to flash me a smile and a wink thinking I was leaving with Blackwall. I just shook my head and he nodded his and softened his smile to an understanding one. I loved our silent conversations. I turned and made my way back to my room. I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going, I walked along the battlements looking up at the stars. For some reason it made me think of Solas, and I made a mental note to check with Leliana the next time I saw her about any leads on Solas. I started thinking of everything he said to me before he disappeared. Solas and I had been very close friends, I valued his thoughts and opinions, and he in turn valued mine. We would have long conversations, and he could always get me to see new perspectives, that I valued above all else. It hurt when he left, and I had spent most of that time trying to forget about him.

“Where are you?” I whispered as I stared at the stars. 

“Who are you looking for?” I heard Cullen ask from my side, and it caused me to jump because I wasn’t expecting him to be there. He was leaning down on his forearm facing me. I chuckled at the shock, it was rare for me to be startled. 

“Cullen, you surprised me,” I said with a laugh, and he smiled at me. I sighed and stared back up at the stars. “I’m not looking for anyone, just thinking. How long have you been there?” I asked. 

“Not long, I noticed you out here while I was stretching my legs, I said hi but you were clearly lost in thought,” he said and I nodded. 

“I was thinking about Solas,” I said and looked at Cullen. 

“I thought of him recently as well. I saw a jaw bone lying under a log while out on patrol, and for some reason the very first thing I thought of was Solas. Strange,” he sighed and turned around to rest his rear on the ramparts wall and look across the way out over skyhold. 

“That is strange. I haven’t thought of him in a while, and then it just hit me. I don’t know that I want to find him at this point. He was a good friend to me. Finding him may prove that to be wrong,” I thought aloud. I felt him grab my hand, but I didn’t pull away. I just sighed because it did feel good to have his hand over mine. “That shouldn’t feel as comfortable as it does,” I whispered. He squeezed my hand and then pulled away. “How are you, Cullen?” I asked and leaned my rear against the wall so that I was sitting next to him. He let out a long sigh and shook his head. 

“I honestly don’t know. I’m trying so hard to make everything work, which is why I had to turn you down earlier, but it doesn’t stop me from coming out here to talk to you in the middle of the night because I still miss you everyday. I love these moments alone with you so that I don’t have to try to keep up the charade. And I know that’s wrong, and I know you want me to move on, but I don’t know how,” he sighed, and grabbed my hand again. I shook my head and I didn’t know how to say what I wanted to say because wasn’t he right? I craved the time we had together without anyone else present. The times when we didn’t have to prove to everyone that we were okay and we could just be. “Tell me that I’m crazy and that you don’t feel anything like that, please,” Cullen whispered and squeezed my hand. 

“Is that what you want me to say? Because if so, I’ll say it,” I asked and felt myself starting to choke up a bit on the emotions that were suddenly floating to the surface. It scared me because I thought I was finished with those emotions, I thought I had moved on. But how can you just move on when you once loved someone. I suppose part of me would always love him, he was the first person I ever loved. 

“That’s not what I want, but what I want I can’t have,” He said. 

“Why can’t you?” I asked knowing that it was wrong of me to make such implications, it wasn’t fair to him. 

“Because I’m married, and you’re with Blackwall,” he said after a long pause. 

“I’m not with anyone. Right here, in this moment, I’m with you,” I said and started to lean forward to stand upright. I began to pull my hand out of his, but he squeezed tighter and pulled me to his chest and wrapped his arms around me. I looked up into his beautiful eyes, and the enticing scar on his lip was drawing me closer. I could feel his breath on my skin and I immediately had flashes of his nude form pop into my head. I closed my eyes for a moment and reveled in the feeling of being so close to him once more. For a brief moment we had gone back a year and nothing had changed, we were still the same people we were and still madly in love. He brought a hand to the back of my head and leaned his forehead against mine. 

“My heart is still yours,” he whispered. 

“Am I interrupting?” I heard Elissa say from behind us. I immediately jumped about five feet away from Cullen. 

“I should go,” I said and spun around. 

“What was that?” I heard her demand from Cullen. 

“Just stop, Elissa,” Cullen responded, and after that I was too far away to hear anything else. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to hear anything else. 

As soon as I knew they couldn’t see me I began sprinting back to my room. What was that? What was I doing? Was I so desperate for physical contact, or did I still have feelings for Cullen? How could I be in love with two people at the same time? I thought I was in love with Blackwall, I waited for him while he was gone, and every day he was gone felt like a punch in the stomach. I never once looked at Cullen, or felt for Cullen like this, so why now? I suppose I always knew why, but I wasn’t willing to admit it to myself, and instead of dealing, I dove head first into those feelings for Cullen.

As soon as I was in my room I slammed and locked the door, and took a few doses of my sleeping potion. I needed that day to be done, there were far too many conflicting thoughts and emotions waging war inside my head and I just couldn’t deal with it. My favorite part of Dorian’s sleeping potion is that there are no dreams.


	11. Take Another Piece Of My Heart Now, Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lenora can never just let herself deal with complicated emotions, and instead of trying to figure out how she feels about Blackwall, she drives head first into feelings she knows she shouldn't be in.

The next morning when I woke up Dorian was sitting at my desk waiting for me to wake up. 

“How late is it?” I asked as I sat up in bed rubbing my forehead. 

“Relatively early, actually. For you anyway,” he added with a smirk. He got up and sat on my bed next to me, “How are you?” He asked. I shook my head. 

“Crazy as ever, it turns out. I was all set to sleep with Blackwall, but then I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew that if I didn’t deal with the whole he up and left me again feelings, than anything before that would just be wrong. And then I ran into Cullen last night as I was wandering to my room, and I don’t know. If his wife hadn’t interrupted when she did, I probably would have slept with him, and not just because I wanted to feel a body next to mine, but because I genuinely felt as though I still had very strong feelings for him. Thank the Maker she showed up when she did. But Dorian, part of me really wishes she hadn’t. I suddenly feel like I’m still head over heals in love with him. I’m excited for the meeting he and I have here shortly. Yesterday it was just another trivial task in the series of trivial tasks that is my life, and now I have goosebumps, and my heart is beating out if my chest just thinking about seeing him. I’m fucked, Dorian,” I sighed and fell back onto my bed. 

“Yes, it sounds about that you are. I don’t know what to say. Cullen is unavailable, and unless Elissa dies or leaves him, he will not break those vows. And I know you well enough that even if he doesn’t break the physical vows, if you encourage this, he will break the emotional vows,” Dorian pointed out. 

“I don’t see how, since the vows he said during their wedding were to me. So really, in the eyes of the maker, he’s kind of married to me,” I teased with a smile. 

“You know that’s not true,” he said and I rolled my eyes. 

“Maybe. But it feels good to feel this, to have the butterflies, and to feel anything other than regret, anger, and pain. I won’t make him break his vows. I’ll play nice, don’t worry,” I said. 

“And Blackwall?” He asked. 

“I don’t even know who that man is anymore. Maybe I can fall back in love with him as I get to know him again, but until then, I’m not bound to him. He has no claim over me or my heart. He’s the one that left, and he can’t just expect everything to be back to the way it was,” I said and jumped up to get dressed. 

“You don’t think maybe this sudden burst of feel goods could be a way to not deal?” He asked. 

“I don’t know Dorian, it probably is, but I’m not going to do anything I would regret later on. I’m not going to sleep with Cullen, and Cullen isn’t going to sleep with me. But I am going to feel good while I can. And you know what, Blackwall has to put in the work to make me fall in love with him. He hasn’t tried at all, I was the one that went to him, and look at me,” I said as I was down to my small clothes with my back to him, “You may not realize this, but I look damn good, Dorian. I am a fucking prize, and if he’s not going to treat me as such then he doesn’t deserve to win. No, this is new and improved Lenora, the taker of no shit,” I added with a smile feeling really good about that decision. I had wandered back into my dressing room as I was speaking, and I grabbed a dress, and popped back out. “Cat got your tongue?” I asked when I emerged and saw Blackwall standing there, and Dorian looking sick. “Heard that did you?” I asked Blackwall judging the look on Dorian’s face. 

“Aye,” He said. 

“How much?” I asked. 

“Well I can breathe easy knowing you’re not going to sleep with Cullen,” Blackwall said with a bit of a smirk. He thought it was funny, and I felt that anger flare up in my belly. 

“Not that it’s any of your business who I sleep with. Why didn’t you announce yourself? Why would you just enter my room uninvited?” I asked not attempting to disguise my anger. 

“I should probably leave,” Dorian said and began to stand up. 

“No, stay,” I said to Dorian and turned back to Blackwall, “What do you want Blackwall?” I asked.   
“Well, I wanted to talk. I wanted to surprise you with breakfast, and attempt to begin winning the prize,” he said remaining calm. 

“What did you want to talk about?” I demanded, still holding my dress to the side. He’d seen me naked before, and I wasn’t concerned with what he thought. 

“I wanted to tell you that I was sorry for presuming to think you would just be mine just because I returned. You are right, you’re a prize and I am throwing my name into the circle. I will do whatever it takes to win you back,” he said, and I nodded. The anger subsided as he said that, and it gave me a small bubble of excitement to hear him say that. “That’s all, that’s what I wanted to say. I know I probably don’t deserve you, but damn it, I’m going to fight to win you Lenora. I love you too much to just give up. I thought you may have wanted me to give up, but I’m not ready to give you up,” he said seeming to get fired up. I smiled and nodded again, and tried my best not to show my enthusiasm to hear him say that. While he was getting worked up, it made me feel alive and on fire for him. He then turned and left the room. I stood there for a few moments in shock, I didn’t understand my own feelings in that moment. I wanted both Cullen and Blackwall, I didn’t think that was possible, and I certainly knew how wrong it was. 

“How interesting,” Dorian said as I slipped the dress on. He got behind me and fastened the buttons in the back that I couldn’t reach. 

“Indeed,” I sighed. 

“Well, have fun at your meeting my love,” He said and gave me a kiss on the cheek before leaving. Once he mentioned the meeting I felt the butterflies again, and immediately looked forward to seeing Cullen. The meeting was just between him and I on a particular mission that he had certain troops working on. When I entered his office he looked up and me and I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face. He returned a smile even bigger than mine. 

“I hope I didn’t get you in too much trouble,” I said as I sat across his desk from him. He gave me a mischievous grin that almost made my dress fall off. 

“Just a little,” He whispered. He stood up and moved around to sit next to me, and pulled out the reports and laid them out on the desk, and leaned in close to smell my hair. “You smell wonderful,” he added. 

“So do you,” I sighed. “You know I wasn’t particularly looking forward to this meeting originally, but then this morning I couldn’t wait to get here,” I added. 

“I almost couldn’t sleep I couldn’t wait to see you again,” he said. He let his hand slide across my leg, and then grabbed my hand. “What was last night? Was it something? Or was it just last night?” He asked as he held my hand in both of his hands. 

“It doesn’t feel like it was just last night. I’ve tried so hard to not feel anything since that day. I’m not saying it was the first time I felt, but it was the first time I felt good since that day. I just miss you, I guess,” I said, and then straightened up realizing he may have been looking for a way to get back to where we were. “But maybe it was just confusing, or maybe it was just easy to slip back into that. Perhaps it was just a fluke? Cullen, you’re married, and if you want it to just be two friends connecting, maybe that’s all it was,” I said feeling very self conscious all the sudden. 

“I usually don’t feel that way about my friends, but I just don’t know what that means for us,” he said, still squeezing my hand. 

“You’re married, and I know that you can’t break your marriage vows, and I wouldn’t want to put you in the situation that would make you feel like you may be tempted to. I want to keep feeling good like this, I like being able to say that maybe I never stopped being in love with you. But full disclosure, Dorian thinks I’m just avoiding addressing my feelings for a certain fake warden,” I said feeling awkward. 

“Are you?” He asked and I shrugged. 

“I don’t know. I mean he’s finally back, and I should have been happy to see him, instead I kept to my room to avoid him. And then you found me last night and it felt like I woke up. I shut down after I lost you, you were the first person I loved. Can you ever really fall out of love with someone like that?” I asked, and then pulled my hand away when I realized what I just said. Elissa was his first love. 

“You can,” was all he said. He ran a hand through my hair and moved forward to get closer to me. “But I never loved Elissa like I loved you. I thought I loved her when I was with her, but I was so young. I had no idea what I was doing back then. I didn’t even know what life was back then much less love. Your first love, and my first love were completely different. I was able to stop loving her when she was gone, I have never been able to stop loving you,” he said and kissed my cheek. 

“You weren't much younger than my age when you knew her,” I said and squeezed his hand.

“You lived a harder life than I did. Your 19 and my 19 were two very different experiences. You had to grow up a lot faster than I did,” he pointed out, and he wasn't wrong. I nodded in agreement and sat there holding his hand a while longer. I had to sigh because I fighting all the thoughts of where I would rather have his hands.

“I know that nothing can actually happen between us, but it feels good to be able to just hold your hand,” I added. And he smiled at me. 

Cullen was the thing that restarted my heart. After our reconnecting Cullen and I grew closer every day. We would come up with reasons to see each other, we even started going on missions together. Anything so that we could talk and enjoy the presence of each other. It just felt good to be around him. Nothing more than stolen kisses ever happened between us. The entire time I was enjoying Cullen, Blackwall was never far behind. He did everything he could to be around me, and it never felt like it was enough. For some reason I had a hole in my heart from where he had been and I was afraid we missed our chance. I also wasn’t anticipating the feelings I had for Cullen. I really felt like I had completely fallen in love with him all over again. Dorian didn’t seem to understand what I was going through and never had any advice for me. I didn’t really understand it either. I thought I was over Cullen.

“I love you,” I told Cullen one day when we had decided to go on a walk around the battlements one evening. He sighed deeply.

“And I love you, more than anything,” he said sounding a bit defeated. 

“And yet, you sound as though something is wrong,” I speculated as he slipped his hand into mine. 

“It’s not about how I feel, no, actually it is. I love you so much, and I want nothing more than to be with you, and yet I can’t. Not out in the open anyway. And I know that we haven’t actually done anything wrong because none of these feelings are new, and yet I feel as though I am doing something wrong. I feel as though being alone with you is my truth, and everything else is the lie. My marriage and my family are a lie. That should be wrong. So how do I make things right? “ he asked, he sounded like he was pleading for me to give him some magical fix for everything.

“You want to ease your conscience. First, “ I began and brushed my hand along his cheek and jaw, I knew where this conversation would lead us, and I had to feel his skin one last time, “I truly love you, no matter what happens you will always be my first love,” I said and began crying. I leaned forward to kiss him and held my palm against his cheek. He pulled me close to his chest and kept his arms wrapped around me. He must have known where this was going too. “What I loved most about you was your goodness and your genuinely pure heart. This, whatever it is between us, contradicts that goodness, and I only know of one way to lift the weight you're carrying, “ I said and he shook his head and kissed me again.

“Please don't say it. I don't know if I can take losing you a second time,” he whispered into my hair.

“Then I won't say it, but you will never lose me. Never. I will always be by your side, no matter what. You say the word and I'll be there. But, Cullen, your morality won't survive if we keep up our secret meetings. It's only a matter of time until these stolen kisses won't be enough for either one of us, and then what? How would you handle knowing you were unfaithful to your wife?” I asked him, and he kissed me with more hunger. I had a feeling that our chaste relationship may not even make it through that meeting. Once I felt that hunger and passion in that kiss something in me snapped. I needed him. 

“I can handle being unfaithful to her. I can't handle the thought of continuing to be unfaithful to my own heart, “ he said and I shook my head and dropped my head against his chest. 

“I'm afraid that if we do this now, then maybe you won't be the man I love anymore. And yet, I want to be with you more than anything,” I said hoarsely. It was truly a battle being waged between my body and my heart. I knew sleeping with Cullen would be one of the worst things I could do. And I knew not sleeping with him would always leave a question in my mind. I had to destroy us completely one way or another. But I could at least make sure the least amount of damage was done. 

“Let's get a room at the tavern. Or escape to your room. Let's run away from skyhold. Anywhere just so long as I get to be alone with you, “ he pleaded. I was so close to saying yes when we heard a door near us opening. I knew it wasn't a recruit because I knew Cullen specifically scheduled that area to be unmanned. I jumped away from him and looked up to see his daughter.

“Elizabeth, how are you?” I asked with a smile trying to hide the fact that in a few more moments I would have probably given Cullen my heart to destroy again. Seeing her gave me such a sense of clarity that it was nearly overwhelming and it took every ounce of strength I had to not break into tears. 

“Fine,” she said shortly, and then directed her attention to her father, “Cullen, mother said you wanted to give me sword lessons today.”

“Oh, I completely forgot about that,” Cullen said.

“Clearly,” she said, which made me smirk. She was snarky for 13.

“I'm so sorry my darling, the inquisitor needed me. Can we do it,” he began obviously going over his schedule in his head, “tonight after supper?” He asked.

“I guess, it's not really that big of a deal to be honest. Mother just wanted you and I to spend time together, but you were busy spending time with someone else,” she says shooting me a glare. 

“I cannot apologize enough. We will do it tonight, and there's a gold in it for you if you can keep this between us, “ he said and she smiled and nodded. I could see her brain calculating and I knew Cullen was going to regret that. I waited for Elizabeth to be out of earshot before I spoke.

“You're better off just telling Elissa about this. Don't make her keep that secret. That's how I started out, keeping little secrets for my parents. I'd start calculating how much their secrets from each other were worth. Manipulating people to tell me their secrets. Selling secrets. Killing to keep secrets. It's a slippery slope. But you can tell her the honest truth without incriminating yourself too much. I'm not going to rob the world of your kind heart, and I'm not going to take away a father that Elizabeth desperately wants. I've taken too much in my life, I couldn't take it if I took those things as well. We can't keep meeting like this. We need to go back to how it was before, and consider this our little shared vacation from sanity. I did love you, completely. But until your situation changes, this will never be anything more than torture for both of us. You need to give your marriage a real shot, and you can't do that while you think there is a chance with me. So I will go ahead and begin giving Blackwall a shot. These past two weeks have been the happiest I've had since you broke it off. But I need to find that happiness in someone else. And you need to figure out a way to close the door on what we had,” I said knowing that we had to end our affair before it went to far. Cullen didn't reply, he just pulled me into a kiss, and pressed himself hard against me. I wrapped my arms around his neck. Words were easy, but actually leaving, that was hard. “We can't,” I whispered with a pleading desperation.

“Can’t we?” He teased as he pushed me through a door and quickly shut and locked it. 

“I don't know,” I answered with a moan as began kissing the tender spot on my neck that only he had ever found. His hands began creeping up my shirt. I quickly pulled my shirt off as my physical desire finally overpowered any sense that I had held onto. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck as I kissed him hard. He frantically moved his hands to unlace my breeches. We caved and proceeded immediately to the fevered desperation that we had been building up to over those two weeks. 

“Tell me you want this,” he said after pushing my pants down my legs. He paused and looked me directly in the eyes. All I could do was nod, I couldn't let my own voice admit my failure. “Say it,” he instructed. That's when I shook my head and sighed as I slouched down the wall to sit and hung my head. 

“My body wants you intensely. I honestly don't know if I've ever physically craved something as much as I crave you. But I'm afraid it may break you, and afraid it may break me too. I honestly don't know. Tell me this won't destroy you, that being with me now, and having to end it all tomorrow, won't break you, “ I asked looking up at him. He squatted down and kissed me. 

“You're wrong, what would break me is losing this moment with you. We never got our goodbye, I need a goodbye with you,” he said.

“This is not a goodbye. This was never a goodbye for us. When you broke up with me the first time, the goodbye sex was really more of a promise. It was the first night I really saw and felt you. So, I'm going to do us both a favor, and for our goodbye, you're going to go make spontaneous love to your wife, and I'm going to convince a beardless warden to have casual sex with me. That will be our goodbye,” I said and he nodded in reluctant agreement. I then began pulling my pants back up, which, of course was when Elissa cast a spell to unlock the door. I tried to get dressed before she opened the door, but while the shirt was over my head she came in. 

“I knew you were lying, I knew you were fucking the inquisitor,” she accused. 

“Elissa, it's not what you think. Well kind of, but not really. We haven't slept together, I swear to you that. Today was the farthest it ever got, and my small clothes stayed in tact. One woman to another, I promise you that. Cullen and I were just confused and lost, and we just got caught up. But in our defense before you showed up, we were madly in love. You can't just turn that off and it will probably take time for both of us to get over that. I admit that what we have been doing probably wasn't healthy or conducive to our getting over it, we can hardly be blamed. But literally a moment before you walked in we had just agreed that sex with each other was a bad idea and he was going to have sex with you instead, and I was going to sleep with Blackwall. I thought it would help the transition, being hot and ready for each other and then sleeping with other people. It could help us associate these feelings with other people. Or at least that was what I had been thinking when I suggested it," I said and Elissa just stared at Cullen.

“Is that true?” She asked.

“Yes. She had just stopped us and suggested it, and I had started to accept it before you broke in. I can't help how I feel, Elissa, you knew how much I loved her when you told me about Elizabeth. I am trying to make this work because I know it's the right thing to do, but working so closely with Nora made it very difficult to end those feelings without discussing them. She and I needed to have honest talks about our feelings and relationship in order to begin moving on,” he explained and Elissa nodded.

“I'll let you guys talk, and I need to go scratch an itch. Best of luck to you,” I said and darted past Elissa to escape. I ran the entire way to the barn and when I found Blackwall I didn't say anything, I just pressed myself against him and kissed him with my arms around his neck. He didn't miss a beat as he brought his hands to the small of my back and backed me into the wall. He brought his thumb up to my cheek and pulled back to look at me. His face was beaming as he stared down at me and suddenly my heart felt full. My legs felt like they had turned to rubber. It was like I finally saw him, and instead of continuing, I just wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder. I sighed deeply as he held me as close as he could and rested his head on top of mine. 

“Maker, I missed you,” he breathed into my hair. 

“I missed me too. I'm not me without you,” I whispered. I could feel him smile. “I missed you so much that I couldn't let myself feel how much i missed you. I closed myself off because when you left it hurt. So when you came back I didn't know how to feel. I had been hurt, I shut down the hurt, but then I don't know, I misplaced my feelings. Then Cullen showed me the feelings he has been holding onto with a death grip, and I just got caught up. For the last few weeks I've been in this with him, but I know where this road leads, and it's a short journey. I waited for you. But I'm so afraid of this, afraid of you. I think I so willingly went along with Cullen because I've gone through that heartbreak before. I knew I could survive that heartbreak a thousand times over. I don't know that I could survive it if you broke my heart, “ I said all while keeping my head on his shoulder. I couldn't look at him when I admitted all of that. I needed my Blackwall to hear me say that, not the new Blackwall. I lingered a moment longer with eyes closed and inhaled his scent. I let it flow into me, and allowed it to completely envelope me until it was the only thing I knew. That was my anchor, that distinctly Blackwall scent was keeping me tethered to that plane. It kept my soul in place instead of letting it abandon me once again. That scent was the man that picked me up when I was shattered, and very patiently put me back together again. The smell of him was his beard. That brief moment, which was maybe as long as the blink of an eye, that moment slowed the world to a halt so that it could morph and recenter itself. I had been so lost while he was away, and I never even noticed. A deep inhalation of mountain man musk refocused all of my senses. 

“I am so sorry, i-” he began but I cut him off.

“No more saying sorry, I just need to know if you love me,” I whispered as I finally pulled my head up to look at him.

“I love you, my lady. You are my definition of love. Since the moment I met you, there is no separating me from my love for you. I can only ever be one thing for the rest of my life, and that is being in love with you. I don't know that I will ever be able to be good enough, but I will never quit trying to be,” he said and I shook my head and silenced him with a kiss. 

“I don't know what good enough even is. But if you were, I wouldn't have wanted you. I don't know what this means for us, I don't know if I'll change my mind later today. But right now, I need you. Good enough or not, I need you whatever that may be. I'm lost. So lost. I would rather fall back in love with Cullen than deal with whatever this is. I need you to show me what this is. Was it just unbridled lust? Was it something real? Or just convenient? I know that before you left, I thought I was in love with you. I believed that you knew me better than anyone else. And then I forgot,” I said, drifting off at the end as I rattled off random thoughts popping into my head. I wasn't even sure of what my point was. Blackwall grabbed my hand and led me to the tavern. He slid into a booth, but stopped me from getting in.

“Look over there, it was the third bar stool from the left. You were looking lower than I'd ever seen you. It was when I felt my heart breaking for the pain you were in that I knew without a doubt that I was in love with the inquisitor. Up until that point I tried to deny it and fight it. But that night, I could no longer fight it or deny it. You glanced back over your shoulder and I saw the pain in your eyes. So I got up, and did my best to be someone to distract you from that pain for even just a minute,” he said and slid out of the booth and led me to the bar stool where he had my sit, “your hair was shorter than,” he observed before continuing, “that night I thought ridiculous Orlais stories would do it. But even as you smiled at the stories, I could see the self-loathing suppressing any actual enjoyment. Then you suggested we get naked and there wasn't a force on this earth that could have made me say no. I thought I could show you how I felt through sex. I should have told you that night. But when you wanted to end things, so friends with benefits was the first thing I thought of to keep spending time with you. I knew what we were doing was wrong because I needed you to know my love, instead I was only a tool in your self deprecation, and in turn a tool in my own. I hated myself for the things I did with you. They seemed perverse at the time because you weren't aware of what those actions actually meant to me. Every Time we were together, it was simply another verse in the love song my life had become for you,” he explained and paused to grab my hand and help me to my feet so that we could walk back to the barn. He continued as we walked. “When you came to me begging me to use you, and instead I made love to you, you cried and I had never seen you cry before. I thought that was my chance to confess my feelings, but you quickly recovered your demeanor and proceeded to dig wherever you saw a weakness. I knew you were lost, but after you began seeing Cullen exclusively, I knew what we had been doing was doing more harm than good for both of us. So we started our counseling sessions. I thought letting you read my thoughts and feelings was without a doubt new taking you I loved you. We continued to help each other while growing closer together. Then one night I overheard someone gossiping about you and I. I won't even dignify the lewd and horrible things they said by repeating it, but it was not a good image if you. I interpreted that as being my fault. When I left for Val Royeaux, I did so to save you from me. I could no easier stop myself from loving you than I could to will myself to stop breathing. So long as my heart was beating in my chest, it was yours,” he says as we entered the barn and he led the way up the stairs to his loft, and then to a ladder I had never noticed that led to the roof of the barn. He climbed up to the top and sat down. I followed and sat next to him. “Your balcony is right there,” he said pointing towards my room, “I would sit out here for hours until your candles all burned out and I knew you were asleep. When you tracked me down to Val Royeaux, I swore to myself I would do whatever I could to help you. I owed you my life, I knew the only way to make up for that was to help you save yourself and to live your life without me. I was happy you were able to love Cullen. And I really thought I was getting better to. But then the hero of Ferelden happened, and we spent that time together on our dragon hunting expedition and that last night in Emprise Du Lion I wanted you to be mine. I wasn't content to just be on the sidelines. I was glad that Elissa stole Cullen away from you. I wasn't sure how I could claim to love you and then be happy for your heartbreak. I knew in that moment I was not yet the man you deserved. I stayed until Cullen got back but I knew all along I was going to leave. I knew I couldn't forgive myself until they could forgive me. Now I'm left with just needing the forgiveness of one person. I need to know what I have to do to gain your forgiveness,” he said, concluding his tale.

“I forgive you,” I said and just saying the words felt like a weight was lifted from me. I laid my head on his shoulder. “Now, what’s left to stop you from forgiving yourself?” I asked. He rested his head on top of mine. “You do know that those candles burn whether or not I'm in there, right?” I added causing him to laugh boisterously. 

“I did not know that. Way to ruin the story,” he teased and kissed the top of my head before standing up and helping me up. We climbed down the ladder back into his loft and I let out a long sigh.

“I came here intent on seducing you. To convince you to have casual sex with me because I couldn't have sex with Cullen. It's how I convinced him to end things before they got too carried away. Him sleeping with his wife, and me sleeping with you as a means of transference. While we were hot and heavy for each other, we needed to have sex with other people in order to disassociate those feelings with each other,” I sheepishly explained. After his long diatribe, I felt like I owed him the truth. 

“You were involved with Cullen for multiple weeks without sex? How can you really call that involved?” Blackwall asked with a laugh.

“Everyday we would sneak off somewhere to be with each other and we would talk, tell each other how much we were in love and make out. But no sex. In fact it's been almost a year since I last knew the touch of a man. It's not all about sex for me anymore. It's about my heart being known by someone else. Cullen and I teetered the edge occasionally of what could be considered sex. The farthest we technically got was about an hour ago, but we talked about it several times. Talked about what we could do if he wasn't married. We made an entire pretend life for ourselves. But that's just it, it was just us taking a break from our lives to pretend with each other. I really wanted to let go of control today with him, but I knew that if I did, is hate myself. Now I'm glad I came here, if I'd never gotten this moment with you, I don't know, I think that would have been the real tragedy. Getting a better understanding of your side of our story is worth everything that led me here for whatever reasons. Thank you, “ I said and his kissed me.

“I love you,” he whispered into my lips as he continued to kiss me, and then began some heavy petting over my clothes. I sighed deeply and reached up to caress his clean shaven cheek and chin. 

“I know you do,” I said with a grin and turned to leave. 

“That's it?” He asked incredulously with a laugh.

“For now. You haven't won yet, my dear,” I teased with a laugh and made my way to Varric, he was always really good at helping me break down pieces of a story so that we could analyze it individually. That way we could better understand the situation as a whole. 

“Do you want my honest opinion?” He asked me after I told him everything.

“Always,” I stated matter of factly. 

“I think that you and curly would definitely sell a lot more copies, and in my next novel you will continue this secret forbidden romance. But as your friend, why do you have to pick one of them? It seems like for the last two years you have been running back and forth between Cullen and Blackwall. So my question for you, is why must you be with either one of them? In my eyes they have both let you down in so many ways. You deserve a king who never once let you down. I hate to break it to you, but I'm team Alistair you were most happy when you were with him,” Varric suggested.

“I foolishly fell in love with Cullen and Blackwall. Alistair was so much fun, but I never felt an emotional connection to him. We had amazing physical chemistry, like amazing amazing. But it never felt romantic at all. It was like two buddies blowing off steam together,” I tried to explain.

“I can honestly say I've never blown off steam in that way with any of my friends. Then, my friend, you have only once option, and you already know that. Cullen is a non-option due to the whole married to another woman thing. Alistair no romantic viability. Cole?” He asked and we both got a laugh out of that. 

“You're right, I think I knew my option before coming here, I just needed a friend to help me separate reason from fantasy. If I could have Cullen, Blackwall, and Alistair I'd be the happiest person in the world, but I guess that’s just going to be filed under fantasy and to be saved for a particularly long night,” I said with a wink and made him laugh.


	12. We're on the Highway to Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like I don't even know. Chick's effed up and needs to get her head on straight. Make up your mind already!

I decided to arrange a special dinner for Blackwall and I in my quarters. Once I assigned the tasks to make the perfect evening I finally got around to my actual job. Josephine and Leliana had so many tasks and requests for me I began worrying that I was going to be late for my own surprise dinner. While I was signing some treaties, I began asking Josephine about attire.

“Would it be possible for a theoretical person that is the exact same size as me, to get a special gown for this evening? Hypothetically,” I asked her while I was reviewing the terms of the treaties. Josephine and Leliana both let out squeals. They had both constantly harassed me about allowing them to dress me up.

“Actually we have something picked out already, on the off chance you would have asked,” Leliana said with enough excitement that I almost thought it was her date. “Just please tell me it's not for Cullen. I've held my tongue while whatever is going on between you two has been going on. But I have to say, I really don't think it is an advisable course,” she said genuinely concerned. I just smiled at her.

“It's not for Cullen. As much as I would love to be with him, I can't. These fucking morals are really starting to piss me off. You know I didn't used to care if someone was married or not. I wanted Cullen so badly, like bad. I don't know if you ladies are aware of this, but he's a beautiful specimen of a human. So hot. And he wanted me as much as I wanted him. And I turned him down. So now, I'm pretty tightly wound and I need a dress to make Blackwall crazy,” I joked. 

“Trust me, we have something perfect picked out. I will be surprised if Blackwall can resist ripping it from your perfect skin,” Leliana said giving me the elevator eyes.

“Why did we never hook up, Leliana?” I asked as I felt very turned on by her gaze on my body. 

“Timing. I'm sure it will happen one of these days,” she said with a wink. I finished signing everything and they led me to the dress. It was a beautiful yellow gown that exposed the entire back and hung loose and low in the front. From the hips to the knee was skin tight and then it hung loosely to my feet. It has bead work over the entire gown and the beauty of the dress took my breath away. I quickly shimmied out of my clothes and into that dress. They then pinned my hair up so that it all piled loosely on top of my head with a few strands hanging to frame my face. Once Leliana and Josephine were satisfied with their work I made my way to my room without being noticed. The serving staff had everything set up exactly to my specifications. I had a table for two set up on the balcony with candles all along the balcony and on the floor around the tables. Luckily I got there before Blackwall did. He arrived shortly after me and knocked on the door so I called for him to enter. I had such a goofy grin on my face, I was actually quite excited by that point. When he entered, the look of shock on his face was completely worth everything. 

“You are absolutely breathtaking,” he whispered as he hugged me and caressed my bare back with his fingers, moving them up and down the entire length of my back. “You'll have to pardon me, my lady, I fear that I may stare at you all evening, perhaps even lewdly occasionally,” he said, still in shock. 

“You have Leliana and Josephine to thank for the dress, “ I said as I awkwardly looked down at my feet. He caught my chin with the knuckle if his index finger and tilted my head up to look at him.

“I will thank them everyday for the dress. But not as much as I'll thank the maker for you. The dress is lovely, I admit, but I still would have been just as impressed in you were wearing your armor. It's not just the dress that makes you breathtaking, it's that look of determined resolution in your eyes. It's as though everything about you softened, or perhaps eased back into comfortability. You are breathtaking, and the dress is nice,“ he said with a smile and kissed my cheek. He held out the crook of his arm for me to take and he escorted me to the table and pulled my chair out for me. Blackwall and I had lovely conversations about everything we'd missed out on with each other while he was gone while we ate and drank. We perhaps drank too much, but by the time that dessert was served, we had moved on from contemplative and reflective, to giggly and tipsy. By that point all the candles had burnt out and the sun had long since set.

“Do you remember that day before I left?” He asked which made me giggle. By this point we had moved the chairs so we were sitting next to each other and I had pulled the dress up my legs so that I could rest them on his legs.

“I was so ridiculous that day,” I said and covered by eyes in embarrassment for a moment.

“No, you weren't ridiculous, you were insufferable, but definitely not ridiculous,” he teased with a smile and took my hand. “That day was one of my favorite days. Perhaps you were slightly ridiculous, but I truly loved it. I'd never seen you work so hard to get your way,” he pondered.

“I was so pissed that day. I wanted you so badly, but only on my terms, not yours,” I explained with a laugh but then took on more of a somber demeanor as I thought why I acted that way, “I thought that maybe if I could be good enough in bed for you that day you wouldn't leave me. You got me through the hardest time in my life and I had just lost Alistair the night before,” I said and suddenly felt very emotional and my eyes began watering, “I felt abandoned, and I knew you were right, I knew you needed to leave, but I thought that I wasn't enough to keep you here, so sex was my last ditch effort. I also couldn't bear the thought of having to wait to be with you again,” I said, wiping away tears as I shared. He just pulled me into a kiss. 

“You have always been more than enough to keep me. I wasn't enough to stay. I wasn't anything. I wanted nothing more than I wanted you that day. But I always want you more than anything. While I was away I would imagine how differently that day could have gone,” he says and rubbed my legs that were still draped over his legs. 

“What were some of the things you imagined?” I asked seductively and refilled my wine. I saw his hunger ignite when I asked that. He pulled me onto his lap and began explaining.

“The most frequent thing I imagined was me not stopping you. And the many ways that would play out. I won’t go into detail, but trust me it was pretty detailed,” he said with a chuckle and it made me laugh. 

“I’m sure I can imagine, “ I said with another laugh and absentmindedly began stroking the back of his neck. He let out what sounded like a cross between a deep sigh and a low growl. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back and gave a deep hum of approval as I continued stroking the back of his neck.

“Are you still trying to seduce me? Because it's working, “ he asked and I gave a small giggle.

“Not really trying, I guess I'm just that good,” I said softly he just murmured in agreement. We sat there like that for a while without saying anything. I was on his lap, stroking the back of his head and neck, his arms were around my waist. Eventually he started to fall asleep and it made me laugh when he jerked himself awake. 

“It feels a little too good, I'm falling asleep just like the old man that I am,” he laughed as we both straightened up. I then stood up and stretched my arms up above my head.

“If you're too tired, you can always stay here with me. If you wanted. Like just to sleep, no funny business,” I said feeling really nervous half way through the suggestion. He just laughed and stood to stretch, and then hugged me. 

“I'm too tired for funny business,” he teased and began taking off his shirt and his breeches. I was afraid I was blushing so I moved to change in my dressing room into a nightgown. “You make everything you wear look amazing,” he said from my bed when I emerged. I looked up to see him already in my bed and under the covers. I grinned at the sight of him. 

“That's my side, move over,” I have with the grin still on my face. 

“Aye my lady,” he said and moved over. 

“You better still have your small clothes on,” I teased as I climbed into bed. 

“I guess there's really only one way for you to find out,” he said with a wink as his head hit the pillow. I just laughed and smacked his shoulder. I slid down into the bed and rolled onto my side to face him. “I forgot how good this bed feels,” he sighed.

“Perks of being the boss,” I muttered and shortly after that I drifted off. 

The next morning when I woke up Blackwall was already gone. For some reason I felt disappointed that he wasn't there, but I don't knew it was already mid morning, and he probably had things to do that day. I didn't know what he did aside from whittle toys for kids, but I was sure there had to be more to his days. I hadn't drank any alcohol in a while, so I had an annoying headache from the wine the night before. I trudged to the bathroom to get a potion. While I was doing that someone knocked on my door and I yelled for them to come in. When I emerged from the bathroom I wasn't totally surprised to see Cullen standing at the top of the stairwell. 

“Have a seat,” I instructed, “tea?” I asked as I poured myself a cup. He just shook his head no. I made my tea and then took a seat next to him. “Copper for your thoughts?” I asked causing him to sigh.

“I couldn't do it,” he said. 

“Now this is the part where you elaborate so I can know what you're talking about,” I teased with a smile.

“I couldn't sleep with Elissa. She kicked me out. Every time I would try it felt like I was being unfaithful to you,” he explained hanging his head in his hands. It was my turn to sigh.

“I slept with Blackwall. I think what I felt over the last couple weeks was nothing more than physical desire,” I lied, and it broke my heart to have to do what I had to do. I placed a hand on his forearm and continued, “I knew you still had feelings for me, and I was just trying to lash out at Blackwall. I was just confused, but I can now see what I was doing. I sincerely apologize, Cullen,” I said choking up at the end and a tear managed to escape. I quickly wiped it away. He just nodded and kissed the top of my head. 

“I don't believe you, but I appreciate you trying,” he said and I just shook my head as more tears escaped.

“I used to be good at this shit. Your inquisition made me soft damn it,” I said and was full on crying as I chuckled. He wrapped his arms around me while I got myself under control. Lying to him had caused me more pain than I was expecting. I hated that I really did love him, and hated the thought of giving what we had up. I wasn't ready to let go of Cullen. Even though I wanted to only want Blackwell, I couldn't stop wanting Cullen too.

“I like the soft you,” he said with a smile. I shook my head, trying to hide my smile. I could feel myself breaking at the thought of never seeing him again, and it was killing me. I didn't want to smile.

“Whatever these past two weeks have been, they're over. I feel like I finally snapped back to reality. It was like I saw Blackwall with new eyes yesterday. I think I can love him again, and I have to do that. Loving you is futile. Maybe you could see the counselor. Figure out a way to stop whatever you feel for me. It's not love, Cullen. And if you truly can't make it work with Elissa, there's absolutely no shame in that. However, if it doesn't work that doesn't mean I will just automatically be with you. I will be there for you, but I can't be with you. You aren't only my first love, but you are also the only person to ever break my heart. So I'm choosing Blackwall,” I explained and he nodded. The tears never stopped while I spoke, however. Cullen cradled my face and wiped them away before kissing me.

“I kind of figured you chose him when I saw him leaving your quarters this morning with a stupid smile on his stupid face,” Cullen said, not hiding his jealousy. He then dropped his hands from my face. “I will step back, I won't pressure you. But I swear to the maker of he hurts you I will kill him, “ he added and then stood up, “Well I guess that's it then, for now anyway,” he clarified and I nodded. He gave one more curt nod and turned on his heel to leave but he stopped before he descended the stairs, “did you actually sleep with him?” He asked without turning around.

“I did sleep in the same bed as him, but we didn't have sex. I guess I couldn't go through with it either. But it doesn’t matter,” I said and he turned around to look at me, he acted like he was going to say something, but then just shook his head and gave a brief smile before he left. I knew immediately that I should have just let him think I had sex with Blackwall. I sighed to myself and proceeded to finish getting ready for the day. I knew no matter what I said, I wasn't done with Cullen yet, I was afraid I couldn't keep myself away from him.

For the next few days I tried drowning myself in my work. I made sure to complete all my tasks personally, and avoided areas that I would run into Blackwall or Cullen. I thought a lot about what Varric had suggested, perhaps he had a point about not choosing either one. I thought maybe I could just go back to having casual sex with people. It didn't sound like a horrible idea because I wouldn't be sleeping with people to help mask my pain, I'd only be sleeping with them because I wanted to. But when I tried to think of people I wanted to sleep with I could only think of Cullen and Blackwall. I hadn't even noticed that I had gone from finding everyone attractive to only finding two men attractive and it felt weird. I started paying attention to people I passed around skyhold and no one made my pulse quicken. So then I decided maybe I just needed to sleep with one of them to see if it got them out of my system. That thought occurred on the third day of avoiding both men and I still couldn't tell you why, but it seemed like a really good idea. So I made my way to Blackwall's. I walked into the barn and he was practicing combat moves. I felt awkward so I just jumped into the suggestion.

“Do you want to have sex? Right now?” I asked him once he noticed me. He didn't say anything right away, he just took his helmet off and gave me a confused look.

“I'm sorry, my lady, it sounded like you asked to have sex? I must have misheard you,” he said with a chuckle.

“No, you heard me pretty accurately. So do you want to?” I asked as I began fidgeting due to the nervous feeling I had developed under his gaze. He just looked in shock.

“Well yes, you know I do. But why now?” He asked and I just exhaled deeply and spun around to sit in the stairs. 

“I'm not sure if you'll laugh at me, or get offended if I tell you,” I speculated before I told him.

“I will try not to do either,” he agreed and sat next to me and grabbed my hands, which made my heart skip a beat. I let out a small sigh. 

“I began thinking that perhaps I'm just sexually deprived, and I shouldn't make my decision just yet. I thought if I had sex with you I could see if that changed my feelings,” I admitted. I couldn't look at him and just stared at the floor the whole time. 

“Do you really think lack of sex is really the problem? Why you're having trouble deciding?” He asked.

“Maybe? I don't know. I've never not had sex this long, but I've also never had feelings before either. Everything feels all jumbled up. I want to see where a relationship with you goes, but I don't want to hurt Cullen, and I'm worried I might still be attracted to him. But I'm not sure if that's just the sexual frustration? It's very confusing in my head lately,” I said, not hiding my frustration with the entire situation. 

“Like I said, I definitely want to have sex with you, but I don't want to rush anything either. So you have a few options. We can sleep together if you really want to. You can sleep with Cullen to see if it was just lust, that is probably my least favorite option, but this is your decision, not mine. Or you can take a random person to bed, this is only a fraction better than the Cullen option in my eyes, but again, not my choice, “ Blackwall said calmly. 

“I think I just want to try with you. After, if I still feel the same way about you, then we can take a step back and take the slow path. But what about if I don't feel the same?” I asked.

“Then it's better we know now,” he stated, and I nodded because that was the most practical answer. He stood up and began taking off his training armor. I just sat back on the steps and watched with fascination. For being a random mountain man, he was very meticulous and purposeful in his movements. I assumed it was from his military days. Once he was down to his breeches and a tunic, he then went around locking all the doors. While I watched him I was entranced, I started smiling at myself as I watched because I felt my heart fluttering as I watched. He finally came back over to me and I still had the smile plastered across my face. 

“What?” He asked and I just shook my head. 

“I like watching you. It's like your truest self, the one taking action. It reminded me of that day I watched you packing your stuff, I remember being fascinated watching you that day. You just fascinate me. You're so complex and layered and it's only most obvious when you're distracted by tasks. I really want to have sex with you, but I no longer think it's necessary or required. I feel pretty confident in my feelings. So we have two options, we can go ahead and continue on the slow path if you prefer. Or we dive in,” I suggested as I reclined farther back on the stairs, elongating my body. He leaned over me and kissed me and pulled his tunic over his head while he was kissing me and I couldn't remember a time that I had been turned on so quickly. My arms went around his neck as I returned the kiss and trailed my fingers down his back. Blackwall was soft and lean all at the same time and it felt wonderful to feel him again. 

“Maybe we should take it slow,” he whispered on my lips as his hands went up the back of my shirt and unclasped my breast band.

“Maybe, but not today,” I whispered as I sat up to help remove my shirt and breast band. I threw my clothes across the barn and didn't even care where they landed. 

Blackwall looked at my naked chest with awe and desire. He kissed a trail from my lips to my breasts. He gave both breasts plenty of attention and then continued kissing down between my breasts to my navel and then began untying my beaches. I lifted up my rear end to help him get my breeches and small clothes off. He then spread my legs apart as his mouth pressed against my lower region and his tongue quickly found my electric center. He coaxed loud moans from me as it felt amazing. One of his hands trailed up my body to knead and pinch my breasts, it didn't take long for me to begin coming and when I did I couldn't hold back the cries and moans of pleasure as pulses of blissful electricity coursed through my body. Once it subsided he moved back up my body to kiss me hard on the mouth and I quickly began untying his breeches and pushed them down as far as I could to expose his engorged member. I started stroking him and he couldn't hold back his moan.

“I may not last long, you shouldn't do that too much, may not be very fun,” he said with a strained voice. I grinned at him and kissed him. I pulled him closer and positioned the head of member at my entrance, and he instinctively pushed forward. The feeling of having him inside me was almost too much pleasure and for a moment was sensory overload. I arched my back and rolled my head back as I let out a long deep moan. I could also feel my eyes water. He froze for a moment, “Am I hurting you?” He asked genuinely concerned. I shook my head and wrapped my arms around his back. 

“Not in the slightest, I forgot how amazing this felt,” I cried and he sighed and began pulling out before sliding all the way back in, and his moans grew louder. 

“You feel like perfection,” he moaned as he began pulling back again before thrusting forward with more force. He then began picking up the pace and pressing his thumb hard against my clit. He rubbed small, quick, hard circles around my clit as he got faster and faster. I was thrusting my hips forward to meet him as I felt myself going over the edge again. He picked up the speed as I came and he completed very shortly after. We were both breathing heavily as he collapsed on top of me. That's when I heard one of the doors slide open.

“Blackwall,” I heard Cullen call.

“Fucking maker, a little busy right now, Cullen,” Blackwall called.

“What? Oh my, I see,” Cullen said in seeing Blackwall's naked backside, and then me. “Oh, oh. I'm so sorry, I'll go,” he said and quickly left. 

“Shit,” I cursed under my breath.

“That may fix your Cullen problem,” Blackwall chuckled, but I wasn't amused and pushed him off of me and began gathering my clothes. I felt sick that Cullen saw us, and upset by how he must be feeling. All I could think was that I needed to make things right with Cullen.

“I thought you locked the doors. And Cullen wasn't a problem, and this probably just made the situation even worse. Fuck,” I said angrily as I dressed.

“You’re mad?” He asked and I shook my head.

“Yes. No. I don't know, just upset. He didn't deserve to find out that way. I need to go talk to him,” I said, calming down slightly.

“But first, did that feel good?” He asked with a wink and I just laughed as I blushed and nodded. “Maker, that felt right. It was more than good, it was absolute perfection,” he sighed as he laid on his back on the stairs. I let my gaze linger on his naked form longer than I should have. I hummed my agreement.

“We may have to do it a few more times just to be certain the sexual frustration is cured,” I said with a coy grin. 

“I think that sounds completely logical. What kind of inquisition agent would I be if I didn't assist?” He said causing me to laugh. 

“A really terrible one,” I quipped causing him to laugh in return as I ran to find Cullen. He was already in his office. 

“So everything you said the other day, was what? Pity?” He asked as soon as he saw me walk in. 

“Everything I said was true when I said it. But Cullen, I did that because if I didn't I was going to fucking lose it. I wanted you so badly it was driving me insane. I love you, I'll always love you, but I need Blackwall right now. If you can ever figure out a way to divorce Elissa without feeling like it's damaging your integrity, maybe we can talk then. But there’s not much we can do now,” I said with both of my hands on his desk. He reached across and placed a hand on one of mine.

“I know,” he sighed. “I guess I had just hoped we could have continued what we had been doing. I love spending time with you and I don't want to lose that,” he said.

“I don't either, but I don't see another way,” I said and slid my hands out from his. I straightened up to leave and he stood up from his desk and walked around to stand next to me and grabbed my hand once more. 

“This isn't fair,” he whispered when I didn't pull my hands away that time. I loved the way it felt to touch him, even if it was just our hands. I inhaled deeply as I tried to focus.

“It doesn't matter. I feel the need to remind you that this was all your choice. You could have gotten involved in your daughter's life without marrying her mother,” I pointed out. 

“But it would have reflected poorly on the inquisition,” he said trying to justify his decision.

“So what. Nothing you could do could reflect poorly on the inquisition. I've done it all, including half the population of Thedas,” I said with a wink and it causes Cullen to blush and laugh. “My point is, we are a powerful force and something as minor as a child out of wedlock 13 years ago would have been easily overlooked. You made the decision you thought was most right. There was always going to be a wrong one in that scenario. While I would have loved to have had angry confused-with-his-life Cullen sex, because I imagine that would be some pretty intense sex, I still think you made the best decision. You and I can survive this, but you wouldn't have survived turning your back on your child. It's what I love about you. I couldn't continue hanging out with you without sex, I need some form of sexual release. And I thought it would help us, but I still can't stop picturing you naked. So maybe we go back to keeping it professional,” I suggested. He leaned in to kiss me, i closed my eyes and kissed him back, but then I had to pull myself away from him. “I'm serious, Cullen,” I whispered, with my eyes still closed.

“I don't know how to be with her when I love you. How can you be with Blackwall? I don't get it,” he said, and moved one of his hands up to the side of my face while the other one wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer to him.

“You felt love for Elissa before, it's funny how easily you can fall back into that. Look at me and you,” I said with a sigh at the closeness of him.

“That's different. The man she loved, and the man that loved her, he's gone. I lost him a long time ago,” he argued and I let out a long sigh.

“I don't know then, Cullen. Just try. Get to know her, take her out to dinner, not to one of our spots, find one for you and her. Get to know her. She's a beautiful woman, and quite intriguing, women like that are easy to fall in love with. Less easy to keep in love, but worry about that when you get there. You need to try. I'm not interested in us, I don't wish to explore that any further than we have. I am shutting the book on you and I Cullen. You just walked in on Blackwall and I having sex, shouldn't that help you move on? Aren't you furious with me?” I asked as I pushed him away and he just shook his head.

“I wish I could be, but I'm just not,” he said.

“Then perhaps you're not as in love with me as you claim. Maybe I just represent an escape and that's the appealing part. When we were together, if you would have walked in on me with another man, especially Blackwall, it would have crushed you,” I pointed out and he shrugged.

“Or maybe I'm so in love with you that there's nothing you could do to change that,” he said.

“Perhaps you didn't see enough, I could describe it for you, at one point it was so good it actually brought tears to my eyes,” I began.

“You don't need to describe it,” Cullen said interrupting me.

“Maybe you want to see it then? See another man take me completely, would that change your mind of me?” I asked and he shook his head and took a step away obviously beginning to get angry.

“Just stop it Lenora,” he demanded.

“No, Cullen. You need to get mad at me so you can see me as I am instead of this fantasy you see me as right now. Imagine Blackwall ripping my clothes off as he fucked me in the barn,” I said trying to goad him on.

“I said stop it, this is not helping,” he said even louder and more demanding, he even slammed a fist on to the desk.

“Yes it is, anger is helping,” I said.

“No it's actually not. I am beginning to feel territorial and have never wanted to take you so badly as I do right now,” he said moving farther away.

“Then go fuck your wife and imagine the way you would take me to prove you were better than Blackwall. Make him jealous of the way you would fuck me, “ I growled at him. I realized I may have just pushed him too far after saying that because he closed the distance between us and forcefully pressed his mouth against mine and it took my breath away. He then broke away from me and immediately turned to exit out the door that led to his home. I had to gather myself for a moment. If the only reason I felt so attached to Cullen was due to sexual frustration, why did I want him so badly still. I ran back to the barn and had a few more rounds with Blackwall. I just assumed I needed more alone time with Blackwall to forget about Cullen.


End file.
